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Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, causes the narcissist to engage in what is known as narcissistic abuse. This type of abuse encompasses emotional abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control and psychological abuse, which are covert forms of domestic violence that make the victim feel crazy. It impacts the mental health of every victim. It can also involve physical abuse. If you have a narcissist in your life then you also have their flying monkeys!
In this podcast, leading expert and specialist trauma informed counselor Nova Gibson, offers concise, empowering advice on navigating, escaping, and healing from the narcissist, and their flying monkey's insidious forms of domestic abuse. Nova’s expertise in identifying behaviours of narcissistic abusers, such as coercive control, gaslighting, and trauma bonding, is invaluable for those in toxic relationships.
Whether the covert narcissist, or overt narcissist is an intimate partner engaging in intimate partner violence, a friend, parent, or colleague, the life-changing insights from Nova and her guests will support your healing journey back to self care and self love, and to address the inevitable ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder).
Nova is director, founder and principle counselor at Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service. She is also the best-selling author of the globally acclaimed 'Fake Love - Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse'. HarperCollins.
Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Why do narcissists recycle their exes?
Why do narcissists recycle their exes?
Narcissists love to keep as many exes as they can waiting in the wings so they can recycle them. But why do they do this? Why do they want to keep someone around whom they professed to hate so much? If you have been abused by a narcissist in the past then it's really important to understand the how and why narcissists recycle their ex-victims so you can protect yourself, and this episode will help you to do just that.
In this episode we unpack...
* Why the narcissist discards their victim and comes back when they feel like it
* Why it is so hard to resist the narcissist's attempts if you haven't blocked them.
* The importance of understanding the 'recycling' process so you never fall victim to it.
* Why some previous targets secretly wish the narcissist will come back to them.
* How to make it impossible for the narcissist to come back.
And much more!
For more episodes like this, make sure you hit that subscribe button on your favourite podcast platform! (and while you're there, please leave us a rating and a review if you enjoyed this episode. Nova <3)
And FYI….
You can book an online therapy session with me, or book me to speak at your event here
You can purchase a copy of my book ‘Fake Love – Understanding and Healing from narcissistic Abuse’ here
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Nova xx
Thankyou so much for listening!
Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.
If you would like to make an appointment for individual counselling with me , please visit my website at ,Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service , or email me at nova.pollard123gmail.com
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What Does It Mean When a Narcissist Recycles Their Exes?
One of the most distressing aspects of narcissistic abuse is the sudden and painful discard, where the victim is often left feeling worthless. However, as discarded as a victim may feel, narcissists have a habit of coming back, reigniting old relationships they once trashed. This behaviour isn't about rekindled love; rather, it’s about control and convenience.
Recycling is a term often used to describe how a narcissist treats their exes. Narcissists don’t see people as individuals with feelings but as objects or tools for their use. When a narcissist pulls an ex back into their life, they aren’t rekindling a romance—they’re simply taking advantage of a person who has already been manipulated and conditioned to serve their needs. It’s much easier for a narcissist to recycle a former partner than to find and condition a new one.
Why Do Narcissists Recycle Their Exes?
A primary reason narcissists recycle their exes is because they don’t have to put in the same effort that comes with a new relationship. Love-bombing, which is the narcissist’s initial phase of drawing someone in through intense affection and charm, is exhausting for them. Once they've ensnared a victim, they prefer to return to them when convenient, especially if the victim hasn’t fully healed or moved on.
Many recycled exes are still trauma bonded to their abuser. This trauma bond—the intense emotional attachment victims form with their abusers—can trap victims in a cycle of longing and craving. Narcissists know this and exploit it. When a victim hasn't reached their "light bulb" moment of realizing the depth of their abuse, the narcissist can easily push the right buttons to lure them back into the cycle of abuse.
The Role of Trauma Bonding in Narcissistic Abuse
One of the reasons victims fall back into the arms of their narcissistic exes is the trauma bond. Trauma bonding is an emotional and psychological response that often develops in abusive relationships. The abuser creates this bond through a cycle of devaluation, emotional pain, and intermittent rewards or affection.
When a narcissist decides to recycle an ex, they are well aware of the emotional trauma they've inflicted. They know their victims intimately—their weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and the methods required to re-trigger the emotional pain that keeps them hooked. Many victims long for the end of the withdrawal symptoms caused by the sudden absence of their abuser, and this longing is often mistaken for love.
Why Narcissists Don't Want Their Exes to Heal
Healing threatens the narcissist's control. If an ex moves on, heals, and gains independence, the narcissist loses their supply. Narcissists are arrogant; they believe they’ve conditioned their victims so well that they can come back at any time, and the victim will be waiting. This belief reinforces their desire to keep their exes around.
If you, as the victim, begin to heal and forget about the narcissist, it disrupts their plans for easy access to future supply. So, a narcissist will often try to insert themselves back into your life, sometimes even years later. This ensures you remain trauma bonded and don’t completely heal or find happiness without them.
Triangulation: Using Exes to Manipulate the New Partner
Another tool in the narcissist’s arsenal is triangulation. When a narcissist brings an ex back into their life, it’s often to manipulate or "punish" their new partner. For example, the narcissist may have previously told you how terrible their ex was—painting them as abusive, unfaithful, or emotionally unstable. Yet, after discarding you, they return to that same ex, praising them while simultaneously making you feel as if you were the problem all along.
This tactic is meant to cause emotional turmoil. It leaves you questioning your worth, sanity, and everything you thought you knew about the narcissist and their ex. This cycle of recycling exes serves the narcissist's desire for control over both their former and current partners.
The Illusion of the “Special” Narcissist: You’re Not the Only One
It’s crucial to understand that when you're involved with a narcissist, you're never the only person in their life. Narcissists cannot be satisfied with one source of supply—they need multiple people to draw from. Even if they aren’t physically cheating, they often engage in emotional infidelity. They might be love-bombing someone else while devaluing you. Narcissists are master manipulators who always keep multiple sources of narcissistic supply in their orbit.
When a narcissist recycles an ex, it’s not because that ex is "special" or because the narcissist has changed. The narcissist is simply using them for convenience, much like someone picking up a worn-out toy they discarded long ago.
Breaking Free: How to Protect Yourself from Being Recycled
If you find yourself hoping that your narcissistic ex will come back, it’s essential to reframe your thinking. What the narcissist is offering is not love or validation. Instead, it’s the cold manipulation of someone who sees you as nothing more than a tool they can use and discard at will.
To avoid being recycled by a narcissist, complete no contact is critical. Block them on all platforms—social media, phone, email—and cut off all forms of communication. The narcissist can only recycle you if they can reach you and reactivate the trauma bond. Healing means breaking free of this cycle entirely.
Final Thoughts: You Deserve Better
In conclusion, remember that the narcissist isn't coming back because they love you or want to make things right. They’re coming back because they see you as an easy source of narcissistic supply. You are worth so much more than being treated like a recyclable object.
Understanding the cycle of narcissistic abuse, especially their tendency to recycle exes, is key to protecting yourself. Seek out the right support, stay strong in your decision to cut ties, and don’t let the narcissist use you as their backup plan.
You deserve to live free from their control. You deserve to heal.