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Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, causes the narcissist to engage in what is known as narcissistic abuse. This type of abuse encompasses emotional abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control and psychological abuse, which are covert forms of domestic violence that make the victim feel crazy. It impacts the mental health of every victim. It can also involve physical abuse. If you have a narcissist in your life then you also have their flying monkeys!
In this podcast, leading expert and specialist trauma informed counselor Nova Gibson, offers concise, empowering advice on navigating, escaping, and healing from the narcissist, and their flying monkey's insidious forms of domestic abuse. Nova’s expertise in identifying behaviours of narcissistic abusers, such as coercive control, gaslighting, and trauma bonding, is invaluable for those in toxic relationships.
Whether the covert narcissist, or overt narcissist is an intimate partner engaging in intimate partner violence, a friend, parent, or colleague, the life-changing insights from Nova and her guests will support your healing journey back to self care and self love, and to address the inevitable ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder).
Nova is director, founder and principle counselor at Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service. She is also the best-selling author of the globally acclaimed 'Fake Love - Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse'. HarperCollins.
Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Why do narcissists ruin special occasions?
Why do narcissists ruin special occasions?
One of the most common tactics that narcissists use to maintain control is to sabotage any event that brings you joy. Whether it’s Christmas, your birthday, or a long-anticipated holiday, you can almost guarantee that a narcissist will find a way to ruin it. This pattern of behaviour is not accidental—it’s part of a deliberate strategy to manipulate, control, and undermine you. But why do narcissists do this?
In this episode we unpack.....
*the narcissist's agenda in ruining special occasion
*Narcissism traits such as envy when you're happy.
*Techniques the narcissistic person uses to ruin the day 'discretely'.
And much more!......
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Thankyou so much for listening!
Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.
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Why Narcissists Ruin Special Occasions
Understanding the Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse
Welcome to another episode of the Fake Love and Flying Monkeys podcast. I’m Nova Gibson, and as an expert on narcissistic abuse and coercive control in domestic violence relationships, my goal is to provide support to victims, survivors, and their families. In today’s episode, we’ll explore why narcissists love to ruin special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and celebrations.
The Textbook Sabotage: Why Narcissists Target Special Occasions
One of the most common tactics that narcissists use to maintain control is to sabotage any event that brings you joy. Whether it’s Christmas, your birthday, or a long-anticipated holiday, you can almost guarantee that a narcissist will find a way to ruin it. This pattern of behaviour is not accidental—it’s part of a deliberate strategy to manipulate, control, and undermine you. But why do narcissists do this?
Narcissists and Their Addiction to Drama
A key reason narcissists ruin special occasions is their insatiable need for drama. Although they may claim they dislike conflict, their actions suggest otherwise. Narcissists thrive on chaos, and when things are peaceful, they often become anxious and unsettled. They are unable to handle calmness because it forces them to confront their inner emptiness. So, they create drama as a way to avoid self-reflection and to maintain control over their environment.
In many cases, this drama manifests during significant events that should otherwise be peaceful and enjoyable. Think back to your last birthday or holiday. How many of those moments were free from drama? More likely than not, you can recall times when your celebrations were overshadowed by arguments, conflicts, or passive-aggressive behaviour. This isn’t a coincidence—narcissists cannot tolerate a situation where they aren’t the centre of attention.
The Narcissist's Fear of Losing Control
One of the main reasons narcissists ruin special occasions is that they perceive your happiness as a loss of control. When you are enjoying yourself—whether it’s celebrating a birthday, spending time with loved ones, or simply relaxing—they are not the focus of your attention. This threatens their fragile ego and undermines their need to be constantly validated.
Narcissists use manipulation to refocus the attention back onto themselves. This might involve creating an argument over something trivial, accusing you of wrongdoing, or simply withdrawing emotionally and sulking, causing you to feel guilty. In the end, your joy is replaced with frustration and disappointment, which allows the narcissist to reassert their control over your emotions.
Envy and Sabotage: Why Your Happiness Is a Threat
Narcissists often feel envious of your ability to experience genuine happiness. For them, true joy and fulfillment are elusive. Instead, they derive satisfaction from manipulating and controlling others. When they see you happy—whether it’s opening presents on Christmas or enjoying a relaxing holiday—they feel threatened. Your joy highlights their inability to experience those same emotions, which triggers their need to sabotage the moment.
It’s not just about creating conflict; it’s also about ensuring that the memories of those special occasions are forever tainted. Narcissists want you to associate birthdays, holidays, and celebrations with disappointment, sadness, and frustration. By doing so, they ensure that future events are approached with dread rather than excitement, further solidifying their control over you.
The Power of Negative Supply
In the world of narcissism, attention is attention—whether it’s positive or negative. This is often referred to as narcissistic supply. For a narcissist, even negative attention (like an argument or confrontation) is better than no attention at all. This is why they will go to such lengths to create chaos during special occasions. By drawing you into their web of drama, they keep you emotionally entangled and ensure that they remain the focal point of your experience.
Even when you try to focus on your own happiness or the joy of others, the narcissist will pull you back into their world of chaos. For example, during a holiday gathering, they might withdraw emotionally, causing everyone to focus on their sudden mood change. Instead of enjoying the moment, you find yourself trying to “fix” the situation and make them happy—a classic manipulation tactic designed to divert attention away from the positive aspects of the occasion and back onto them.
Ruining Special Occasions Is About Punishment
Beyond just creating drama, narcissists ruin special occasions as a form of punishment. They may feel resentment towards you for being happy, or they may be angry that the day is not entirely about them. So, they sabotage the event to punish you for your perceived “transgression” of enjoying yourself. This punishment can take many forms, from passive-aggressive behaviour to outright conflict.
For example, on your birthday, they may “forget” to get you a gift or deliberately come home late from work. They may accuse you of embarrassing them in front of others or claim that you’ve done something to offend them. In these moments, the narcissist is not just creating chaos; they are punishing you for daring to have a moment of joy that does not revolve around them.
Narcissists Can Even Ruin Their Own Special Days
Another fascinating aspect of narcissistic behaviour is that they will even ruin their own special occasions if it means undermining your happiness. For instance, they might organise a lavish holiday for their birthday, but then find ways to create drama once you’re there. Perhaps they accuse you of not paying enough attention to them or they start an argument over something trivial. The goal is always the same—sabotage your joy and shift the focus back onto them.
The Legacy of Sabotaged Memories
One of the most insidious aspects of this narcissistic sabotage is that it leaves a lasting impact on your memories of these special occasions. For years to come, you’ll associate what should be joyous moments—like Christmas, birthdays, and holidays—with feelings of frustration, sadness, and disappointment. The narcissist has successfully linked your happiest moments with their manipulation, ensuring that even the thought of future celebrations brings a sense of dread rather than excitement.
Conclusion: Breaking Free from Narcissistic Sabotage
Narcissists will continue to ruin your special occasions as long as they remain in control of your emotions. Their need for attention, drama, and control will always take precedence over your happiness. The key to breaking free from this toxic cycle is understanding their tactics and setting firm boundaries.
Recognising that their behaviour is rooted in their own insecurity and envy can help you protect your emotional well-being. Remember, their sabotage is not a reflection of your worth or your ability to experience joy—it’s a reflection of their inability to feel genuine happiness.
By identifying these patterns, you can take steps to reclaim your special occasions and focus on creating positive memories for yourself and your loved ones. Whether it’s by setting boundaries, seeking support, or distancing yourself from their manipulation, you deserve to experience joy without the shadow of narcissistic sabotage.