5 ways the covert narcissist blameshifts

5 ways the covert narcissist blame shifts

 In this episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, we dive deep into the narcissist's favourite tactic—blame shifting. Discover why narcissists expertly deflect blame, manipulating situations to avoid accountability while making you question your own reality. We'll explore how narcissists twist the truth to keep control, leaving victims trapped in self-doubt and confusion. Learn the key signs of blame shifting, understand why it's such a powerful tool in narcissistic abuse, and get practical tips to protect yourself from their toxic manipulation. Reclaim your power and stop the cycle of emotional abuse today!

In this episode we discuss the following narcissistic blame shifting strategies....

1. Turning the Tables
When called out for their wrongdoings, a narcissist will quickly flip the script. 

2. Playing the VictimThis tactic shifts attention away from their misdeeds and redirects sympathy towards them. 

3. Bringing Up the Past
When confronted with a present issue, a narcissist will often dredge up old arguments or mistakes you've made in the past. 

4. Minimising Your Feelings
 By diminishing your emotions, they invalidate your experience and make you question whether your reaction is justified.

5. Blaming Outside Circumstances
 This makes it seem like they're powerless to control their actions, which excuses their wrongdoings.
And much more!

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Transcript

5 Ways Narcissists Engage in Blame Shifting and How to Recognize It

In relationships with narcissists, understanding their manipulative tactics can feel like navigating a psychological minefield. One of the most insidious forms of manipulation they employ is blame shifting. This tactic allows narcissists to dodge accountability, maintain control, and preserve their fragile egos, leaving their victims confused, disoriented, and feeling like they’re constantly at fault. If you've ever felt gaslit by someone shifting the blame onto you for their actions, this article will explore five key ways narcissists employ blame shifting, and help you recognize when it’s happening.

1. Criticism as an Attack: How Narcissists Avoid Accountability

For most people, receiving constructive criticism—while not always comfortable—can be an opportunity to grow, change, or better understand themselves. However, for a narcissist, any form of feedback, even well-meaning, is perceived as a direct threat to their ego. To a narcissist, criticism is like acid; it eats away at the carefully constructed false self they present to the world—a façade built on the idea that they are flawless, superior, and always right.

Narcissists work diligently to create an image that portrays them as perfect. Their entire sense of self-worth is tied up in maintaining this façade of perfection and superiority. Therefore, even the slightest hint of criticism feels like an existential threat. When faced with such perceived "attacks," they will do whatever it takes to avoid facing their flaws, which is where blame shifting comes into play.

A narcissist's instinct is to deflect any responsibility and instead make you feel guilty for daring to point out their imperfections. Rather than address their behavior, they’ll twist the conversation in a way that casts you as the villain. This allows them to maintain the illusion of their perfection while keeping you in a constant state of emotional turmoil.

Example: Imagine you’ve confronted your narcissistic partner about a recurring issue—perhaps they’ve forgotten to pick up the children from school, despite you reminding them multiple times. Instead of acknowledging the mistake and taking responsibility, they immediately lash out at you: "Well, if you didn’t always nag me about everything, I wouldn't forget things! This is your fault for stressing me out." In one swift move, they deflect from their failure and make it seem like your fault for being concerned in the first place.

This tactic not only absolves them of accountability but also puts you on the defensive, causing you to question whether you truly are at fault. It’s emotional manipulation at its finest, and it leaves you confused, doubting your feelings, and apologizing for simply addressing an issue.

2. Twisting Conversations to Avoid Accountability

One of the most bewildering aspects of interacting with a narcissist is how they twist even the most straightforward conversations into a convoluted mess where you suddenly feel like you’re to blame. When confronted with their actions, narcissists are skilled at changing the subject, bringing up irrelevant past events, and turning the conversation back on you—leaving you feeling confused and defensive.

They often employ whataboutism, a technique in which they avoid addressing the topic at hand by bringing up something you supposedly did wrong in the past. These tactics can make you feel like you’re never allowed to express your concerns because the conversation will always be derailed and shifted toward your shortcomings, however irrelevant or insignificant.

Example: Let’s say you’re frustrated because your narcissistic partner has repeatedly left dirty dishes around the house, even though you’ve kindly asked them to clean up after themselves. Instead of addressing the issue, they might say something like, "Oh, so I leave dishes around? Well, what about that time three years ago when you forgot to pick me up from work? That was much worse!" Suddenly, the conversation is no longer about the dirty dishes; it’s now about a completely unrelated event from years ago.

This is classic blame shifting in action. By bringing up an old, unrelated grievance, the narcissist successfully redirects the focus away from their behavior and forces you to defend yourself against their accusation. Before you know it, you’re arguing about something that happened years ago, and the original issue—the dirty dishes—remains unaddressed.

This tactic is emotionally exhausting, as it makes it nearly impossible to have a productive conversation about real issues in the relationship. Over time, you might find yourself avoiding any form of confrontation because you know it will always end up with you being blamed for something completely unrelated.

3. Gaslighting and Blame Shifting: A Toxic Combination

Gaslighting is one of the most pernicious forms of emotional manipulation, and when combined with blame shifting, it creates a toxic cocktail that can leave you questioning your very reality. Gaslighting involves the narcissist making you doubt your perceptions, feelings, and even memories. They will insist that your version of events is wrong, or that you’re being overly sensitive or irrational.

When gaslighting and blame shifting are used together, the narcissist can expertly twist reality so that you begin to believe that you’re responsible for their actions. This can erode your self-esteem and leave you feeling disoriented, confused, and unsure of what’s real and what’s not.

Example: A classic instance of this tactic occurs when a victim confronts their narcissistic partner about infidelity. Perhaps you’ve noticed suspicious late-night phone calls or strange messages on their phone. When you bring it up, instead of addressing the behavior, the narcissist might say something like, "You're just being paranoid. It's work-related. Why do you always make a big deal out of nothing?" Or worse, "You're crazy! No one else would care about this. You're imagining things."

This combination of gaslighting and blame shifting is particularly devastating because it causes you to doubt your own intuition. The narcissist minimizes your concerns and makes you feel like you’re overreacting or imagining things, even though your instincts are likely correct. Over time, this can lead to a complete erosion of your self-trust, making it even harder to hold the narcissist accountable for their behavior.

4. Comparing Minor Incidents to Major Betrayals

Narcissists have a talent for making false equivalencies, comparing their significant betrayals to your minor slip-ups in an attempt to avoid responsibility. When confronted with their lies, deceit, or infidelity, a narcissist will often deflect by bringing up something trivial that you did wrong, as though it’s on the same level.

Example: In a relationship, perhaps you discover that your narcissistic partner has been lying about their whereabouts. When you try to address it, they respond with something like, "How can you call me a liar when you said you were going to Kmart but ended up going to Target?" The narcissist equates your minor, innocent forgetfulness with their major betrayals, creating a false equivalency that makes you feel like you have no right to criticize them.

This tactic is designed to confuse you and make you feel guilty for holding the narcissist accountable. It shifts the focus away from their actions and onto something trivial that you did, making you feel like your concerns are invalid.

5. "You Made Me Do It": Using Your Emotions Against You

One of the most insidious forms of blame shifting involves the narcissist claiming that their behavior is a direct result of your actions. This allows them to avoid responsibility for their behavior while placing the blame squarely on your shoulders.

Example: If you confront a narcissist about their late nights or lack of communication, they might say something like, "Well, you’re always angry when I come home, so I stay out late to avoid you," or "If you weren’t so critical all the time, maybe I wouldn’t be distant." In this way, the narcissist frames their poor behavior as a justified reaction to your actions, making you feel like you’re the one responsible for their bad behavior.

This type of manipulation is extremely confusing because it makes you question whether your emotions are valid. You might begin to wonder if you are, in fact, being too critical or too demanding. In reality, though, the narcissist is simply using your emotions against you to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior.

The Psychological Impact of Narcissistic Blame Shifting

Being on the receiving end of constant blame shifting can have profound psychological effects. Over time, victims of narcissistic abuse often develop self-doubt, anxiety, and even depression as a result of being manipulated into believing that they are always in the wrong. The narcissist's constant deflections, false equivalencies, and gaslighting can erode your self-esteem, making you feel like you’re unworthy of love and incapable of making sound decisions.

Gaslighting and blame shifting work together to keep the victim in a state of confusion and dependence. The narcissist is able to maintain control over the relationship by constantly keeping you off-balance, making you question your reality, and ensuring that you’re too disoriented to hold them accountable for their actions.

How to Protect Yourself from Blame Shifting

Recognizing blame shifting and gaslighting is the first step toward protecting yourself from the emotional manipulation of a narcissist. Here are some strategies to help you cope:

• Document Your Experiences: Keep a journal of events and conversations with your narcissist. This can help you stay grounded in your reality and provide evidence when the narcissist tries to twist the narrative.
• Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, it probably is.