Narcissistic Abuse awareness - Vanessa Reiser

In this episode I am joined by the inspirational Vanessa Reiser!

Vanessa M. Reiser is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), licensed in New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Florida. She is a psychotherapist and the founder of Tell a Therapist, LLC as well as the founder of the nonprofit, Tell a Therapist, INC. She is also the Author of  - "Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapist's Guide to Identifying, Escaping, and Healing from Toxic and Manipulative People"

 Vanessa specializes in narcissistic personality disorder, and her practice focuses on treating victims and survivors of cults, narcissists, domestic violence, and narcissistic abuse. Her insights are both personal and professional, giving her a unique lens into this insidious form of domestic abuse. Vanessa is a long-distance runner and two-time Ironman who is best known for running the state of New York (285 miles in 11 days) in a wedding dress to raise awareness for narcissistic abuse.


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Transcript

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness

Nova: So, Vanessa, one thing I hear a lot from my clients is that once you’ve escaped from a narcissist, they just won’t let it go. They’ll keep punishing you, right? I mean, for the rest of your life, basically. Does that ever really stop?

Vanessa: Oh, absolutely, Nova. The moment you give a narcissist what they call a "narcissistic injury"—which is basically you getting away from them—they will absolutely punish you for as long as they can. That’s just how they work. Does it maybe die down over time? Sure, it might, a bit, but that's only because they've found someone else to mess with. But don’t kid yourself, they never fully stop. They’re like those searchlights you see in prison yards. You might be able to stay out of their spotlight for a while, but eventually, they’ll find you again and try to mess with you.

Nova: Wow, yeah. That sounds exhausting.

Vanessa: It really is. And they do this for sport, you know? It’s all a game to them. By the time they're done with you, you’re completely traumatized, so every time they come back around, it’s extremely triggering. It's frustrating, especially if they've gone after things that mean the world to you—like your career or your children. I’ve seen narcissists ruin people’s jobs, their reputations, their relationships. They’ll stoop to unbelievable lows just to punish you for leaving them—or even for daring to live without them.

Nova: And the worst part is, a lot of the time, it’s not even like you left them. They’re the ones who discarded you!

Vanessa: Exactly! But to them, it’s all about control. When they lose control over you, that’s an injury to them. And these narcissists keep score—they’re always tallying. In their minds, it’s like there’s this giant scoreboard, and they’re always calculating who’s winning and who’s losing. If they lose you, that’s a huge hit to their ego, so they’ll do anything to turn it into a win for them. And let me tell you, a narcissist will do whatever it takes to feel like they’re winning, even if it means destroying themselves in the process.

Nova: That’s just crazy. I’ve heard of narcissists doing the wildest things, like bankrupting their businesses or refusing to pay child support just to get back at someone.

Vanessa: Oh, totally. They’re that extreme. I’ve seen narcissists quit their jobs just so they don’t have to pay child support. They'll sabotage their own lives, ride a bike to work, ruin their finances—just to feel like they’re still somehow on top. And what does that tell you about them? That deep down, they’re so insecure, they’ll wreck their own lives just to feel like they’ve won. It’s pure projection—they feel like losers, so they have to convince themselves they’re winning by any means necessary.

Nova: It’s really mind-blowing, honestly. And I’ve seen it firsthand. People go into mediation thinking they can just make the narcissist happy by giving them what they want. But that doesn’t work, does it?

Vanessa: Not at all. Mediation, especially in cases with a narcissist, is pretty much just a road to court. Narcissists don’t want to settle. They’ll spend thousands of dollars on lawyers just to get one dollar more than you. It’s never about the money—it’s about winning, and they’ll do whatever it takes to feel like they’re the victor.

Nova: Yeah, that’s what’s so hard for people to grasp. They think, “If I just give them a good deal, it’ll all be over.” But it’s not about that for the narcissist.

Vanessa: Right, and honestly, sometimes when they “win,” they actually lose. It’s like, “Congrats, you bankrupted your business just to spite me. Now what?” Or they quit their job, refuse to pay child support, and end up with nothing. It’s so backward, but that’s how their minds work.

Nova: And even worse, they’ll discard their own kids if it means winning. It’s shocking.

Vanessa: It’s heartbreaking, Nova. The second a child starts to show any kind of independence or autonomy, the narcissist sees that as a betrayal. Teenagers especially struggle with this because that’s when they’re supposed to be developing their own sense of self. But for a narcissistic parent, that’s just another injury. They can’t stand the idea that their child doesn’t need them as much anymore.

Nova: Yeah, it’s sad because a normal parent would want their kid to grow and thrive, but a narcissist? Nope. It’s all about control.

Vanessa: Exactly. They want their kids to stay in line, to be extensions of themselves. Once that child starts to think for themselves, the narcissist sees them as a threat. It’s so twisted. The more independent the child becomes, the more the narcissist feels injured. So they’ll do everything in their power to bring that child back under their control—even if it means sabotaging their education or their future.

Nova: It’s just so sad to think about. The very things that make a person unique or successful—the narcissist wants to destroy them.

Vanessa: Yeah, they’ll try to crush whatever brought you joy or made you special. That’s why it’s so important to maintain your sense of autonomy, no matter how hard it gets. The more you can hold onto your hobbies, your friends, your passions, the more you’ll distance yourself from their control. Narcissists don’t like people with boundaries—they don’t want people who have their own lives.

Nova: That’s so true. And even when you’ve broken away, they’ll still try to throw their new partner in your face. That can mess with your head so much.

Vanessa: Oh, absolutely. Narcissists love parading their new supply around because it’s all about punishing you and proving they’ve “won.” But honestly, Nova, the truth is, it’s just a repeat cycle. It’s a copy-and-paste situation. Whatever happened in your relationship with them is happening again in their new one. They don’t change. It’s all the same dynamics over and over again.

Nova: Yeah, and I think that’s what a lot of people struggle with—this idea that maybe the narcissist is going to be better for the next person. But they’re not, are they?

Vanessa: Not at all. It’s a personality disorder, so by its very nature, it’s rigid and unchanging. They don’t think anything is wrong with them, so why would they change? They consider your empathy to be weakness, and they don’t have the capacity to evolve the way healthy people do. So the same toxic patterns will play out again and again. It’s not you—it’s them.

Nova: That’s such an important reminder. I think people need to hear that.

Vanessa: Absolutely. The problem is, narcissists view your kindness and empathy as vulnerabilities, but they’re wrong. Empathy is what keeps us alive as a species. It’s how we connect, how we care for each other. Narcissists have this corrupted view of the world where they think empathy is weakness, but really, it’s the core of human survival.

Nova: Exactly. And we need more of it, not less, especially in this world where it feels like we’re becoming more disconnected.

Vanessa: I completely agree. We need to cultivate more kindness and empathy, especially now. It’s terrifying to think where we could end up if we don’t. But at the same time, we have to protect ourselves from people who try to exploit those qualities in us. It’s a balance. We can’t lose ourselves to their toxicity, but we also can’t let the world turn us into people without compassion.

Nova: Absolutely. So, before we wrap up, tell us about your book! I’ve been waiting to get my hands on it.

Vanessa: Oh, thank you, Nova! I’m so excited about it. It’s called Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapist's Guide to Identifying, Escaping, and Healing from Toxic and Manipulative People. It’s coming out on October 29th and is available for pre-order now on Hachette’s website. The book dives deep into the parallels between narcissistic abuse and cult abuse because, in my view, narcissistic relationships are a type of cult. Whether you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent, partner, or boss, the dynamics are the same. The cover even features peacock feathers because, like narcissists, peacocks are these flashy, beautiful creatures, but underneath, there’s a lot of aggression and violence.

Nova: That sounds amazing. I’m so glad you’re shining a light on this topic. We definitely need more awareness around it. I’ll be pre-ordering my copy for sure!

Vanessa: Thank you so much, Nova! And thanks for having me. It’s been such a pleasure talking with you and sharing this space. I really appreciate the work you’re doing, too.

Nova: Oh, the pleasure’s all mine. Thank you for everything you do, Vanessa. We’re all so lucky to have you in this space. Alright, everyone, don’t forget to pre-order Vanessa’s book and take care of yourselves out there! See you next time!

sistic Abuse Awareness