When the narcissist says "I love you" - what do they really mean?

When a narcissist says 'I love you?'.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Fake-Love-Understanding-Healing-Narcissistic


In this episode, we unpack the hidden meaning behind the phrase "I love you" when spoken by a narcissist. While these words may seem genuine, narcissists often use them as a tool for control and manipulation. We'll explore how their version of love differs from healthy relationships, and why these declarations often come with strings attached. Learn to identify the red flags and protect yourself from emotional manipulation, as we delve into the true intentions behind a narcissist's "I love you." Tune in to gain clarity and reclaim your emotional well-being.

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Transcript

When a narcissist says "I love you".

Narcissists are highly skilled manipulators who can weaponise even the simplest of phrases. One of their most effective tools for control is saying, "I love you." While this might seem like a declaration of affection, in the hands of a narcissist, it is often nothing more than a manipulative strategy. In this blog, we’ll explore how narcissists twist these words to serve their own agenda, delving into the stages of a narcissistic relationship and uncovering the hidden meaning behind a narcissist's declaration of "love."

Love Bombing: The Narcissist’s Emotional Trap

When entering a relationship with a narcissist, the initial phase often feels overwhelming and intense—this is what is known as love bombing. Narcissists will shower you with excessive attention, affection, and praise, making you feel as if you’ve met your perfect match. During this phase, they will frequently tell you, "I love you," sometimes shockingly early in the relationship. But this is not genuine love; it is part of their calculated strategy to draw you in emotionally.

Narcissists use love bombing to establish an emotional bond that quickly disarms your boundaries. The rapid declaration of "I love you" is not about affection but about control. They want to create dependency, ensuring that you feel special and valued—only to exploit that connection later. As the narcissist gains confidence in their hold over you, their behaviour begins to change. The once loving and attentive partner becomes distant, critical, and manipulative.

Cognitive Empathy vs. Emotional Empathy: The Narcissist’s Tactic of Control

Unlike emotionally healthy individuals, narcissists lack emotional empathy. They do not truly care how their words and actions affect you on a deep, emotional level. Instead, they use cognitive empathy—the ability to understand what others are feeling without actually experiencing those emotions themselves. This allows them to manipulate your emotions for their own gain.

When a narcissist says, "I love you," it’s often a calculated move to maintain their grip on you. They know that these words carry emotional weight and can manipulate your feelings, especially when they fear losing control. If you start to pull away, question their behaviour, or assert your boundaries, they may suddenly drop an "I love you" to reel you back in. This tactic plays on your emotional vulnerability, keeping you trapped in the cycle of abuse.

Narcissists mimic the appearance of emotional connection through cognitive empathy, but their words are empty—they are tools used to secure their power and control over you.

The Narcissist’s Hidden Meaning Behind "I Love You"

When a narcissist says "I love you," it doesn’t carry the same meaning that it does for emotionally healthy individuals. Here’s what a narcissist might actually mean when they say these words:

• In public settings: When a narcissist declares "I love you" in a social situation, what they really mean is, "I love how you enhance my image." Narcissists are highly concerned with how they are perceived by others. Having you as their partner improves their social standing, and this public display of affection is just another way to reinforce their sense of superiority.
• When you attempt to leave: If you try to exit the relationship, the narcissist might suddenly declare their love for you. This is not a genuine plea for reconciliation but rather a desperate attempt to keep you under their control. In this context, "I love you" translates to, "I love having power over you."
• During moments of vulnerability: When you’re emotional or in distress, the narcissist may say, "I love you" as a way to regain control. What they really love is seeing the emotional reaction their words can provoke. They feed off your vulnerability, and their declaration of love is a way to dominate the situation.

In each of these scenarios, the narcissist’s use of "I love you" is not an expression of real love but a manipulation tactic designed to keep you in their grasp.

The Erosion of Self-Worth in a Narcissistic Relationship

Narcissists are drawn to individuals who possess traits they envy—compassion, kindness, strength, and resilience. These are qualities they lack, and they seek to control and diminish them in others. When a narcissist says, "I love you," what they are really expressing is, "I love what I can take from you." Over time, their words and actions chip away at your self-worth. They will criticise, devalue, and gaslight you, making it harder for you to recognise your own strengths and abilities.

The narcissist’s ultimate goal is to break down your confidence so that you are easier to manipulate. Their declarations of love serve to confuse you, making it difficult to reconcile the abuse you’re experiencing with the "love" they claim to feel. In reality, their love is not for you but for the control they exert over you.

Grieving the Loss of a Narcissistic Relationship

Coming to terms with the end of a relationship with a narcissist is incredibly painful, not just because of the loss of the relationship itself but because of the realisation that the love you thought was there never truly existed. The narcissist's "I love you" was never about you; it was about fulfilling their own needs.

After the relationship ends, it’s natural to grieve the loss of what you believed was love. You may find yourself questioning everything—whether the good times were ever real, if the connection you felt was genuine, or if the narcissist ever truly cared. The harsh truth is that while your feelings were real, theirs were not. The narcissist used your emotions as a tool for control, leaving you feeling used and discarded once they no longer had use for you.

Reclaiming Your Power and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a challenging journey, but it’s crucial to recognise that you have the strength to rebuild your life. The narcissist’s "I love you" was never about genuine love but about manipulation and control. By understanding their tactics, you can begin to break free from the emotional trauma they inflicted.

Surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand the impact of narcissistic abuse. Working with a therapist who specialises in trauma and abuse recovery can also be incredibly helpful. Remember to be patient and compassionate with yourself throughout the healing process. The qualities that the narcissist tried to destroy—your kindness, empathy, and resilience—are the very traits that will help you recover and reclaim your life.

 If you’re on the path to healing from a relationship with a narcissist, know that you don’t have to do it alone. I would love to be able to support you in your healing journey from narcissistic abuse. Please see my website for contact details. You deserve a life free from manipulation and control, and the first step toward that life is seeking support.
What did you think of this blog? Can you think of any other hidden meanings the narcissist has when they say "I love you?"
Nova.