Narcissism and Coercive Control with Dr Christine Cocchiola

Narcissism and Coercive Control
https://www.amazon.com.au/Fake-Love-Understanding-Healing-Narcissistic
 

In this episode, I speak with Dr. Christine M. Cocchiola, DSW, LCSW.  Dr Christine is a Coercive Control Educator, Researcher & Survivor. She is a college professor teaching social work for the last 20 years and a social justice advocate for a local domestic violence agency, since the age of 19. Her expertise is in the areas of coercive control and the traumatic experiences of adult and child victims, diligently supporting these vulnerable populations. Dr. C., a Founding Member of the International Coercive Control Conference and a Board Member of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, has supported codifying coercive control, writing numerous policy briefs supporting these efforts. Dr Christine , together with Amy Polacko, are the Authors of the soon-to-be-released "Framed - Women in the Family Court Underworld".

 You can contact Dr Christine through her website here

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Transcript

Nova: Dr. Christine, I’m thrilled to have you here today! You're not only a coercive control educator and researcher but also a survivor yourself. Could you tell us a bit about your background and how you became so passionate about supporting victims of coercive control?

Christine: Thank you, Nova! It’s such an honour to be here. I started my journey when I was 19, volunteering for a local domestic violence agency. That experience opened my eyes to the devastating impact of emotional abuse and coercive control on families. Over time, I became a social worker, earned my MSSW, and eventually started teaching social work at a college. Despite all of this knowledge and experience, I found myself trapped in a coercive relationship without even realising it. It’s a powerful reminder of how insidious coercive control can be—it truly can happen to anyone.

Nova: That's incredible. It’s so telling that you were advocating for victims of coercive control while experiencing it yourself. How did that impact your approach to helping others who are suffering from emotional abuse and narcissistic manipulation?

Christine: It was an intense experience. I remember working with domestic violence survivors, teaching them about the power and control wheel, yet I couldn’t identify the warning signs in my own life. Coercive control is so nuanced—it often doesn’t involve physical violence, which makes it harder to spot. For me, it deepened my understanding of how important it is to educate people on the invisible aspects of narcissistic abuse and coercive control. I became more passionate about helping protective parents, especially when their children are caught in the middle of these toxic dynamics.

Nova: Absolutely. Coercive control can profoundly impact children, even if they aren’t the direct targets of the narcissistic abuse. Can you expand on that? How does emotional abuse in these situations affect a child’s development?

Christine: Coercive control deeply impacts children, whether they’re direct victims or witnesses to the abuse. Emotional abuse, manipulation, and the constant tension in the home can disrupt a child’s neurological development. Living in an environment where one parent is being controlled and manipulated creates a toxic stress response in children. This can have lasting psychological and emotional effects, including anxiety, depression, and attachment issues. Narcissistic abusers often use children as pawns to further their control, which only worsens the trauma for everyone involved. These children grow up internalising these unhealthy dynamics, often carrying the psychological scars well into adulthood.

Nova: That’s so heartbreaking, and I hear this concern a lot from my clients—they’re deeply worried about the long-term impact on their children. Coming to terms with the fact that the narcissistic abuser has been manipulating and harming their children all along is a painful process. How do you help protective parents come to terms with this?

Christine: It’s one of the most difficult realisations for protective parents to confront. Many of them are incredibly empathic, loving, and hopeful that their abusive ex-partner can still be a good parent. After all, abusers are often very skilled at showing moments of tenderness and affection, but these moments are calculated. I help my clients see the pattern for what it is—each act of manipulation is like an emotional punch, a small but cumulative blow to their sense of self. It’s death by a thousand paper cuts. Through therapy and education, I guide them to understand that this behaviour is part of the abuser’s strategy to maintain power and control, and it’s essential to protect both themselves and their children from further harm.

Nova: That’s such a powerful analogy. It’s not always the big, overt acts of violence; it’s the subtle, ongoing psychological manipulation that builds up over time. For many victims, confronting their narcissistic abuser in court is one of the most terrifying experiences. The fear of being gaslighted and manipulated all over again is overwhelming. How do you help them prepare for that?

Christine: The court system can be an abuser’s playground. It’s another tool they use to exert control over their victims. In family court, narcissistic abusers often weaponise the legal process to continue their campaign of emotional abuse. I help my clients by preparing them for what they might face in court—everything from the abuser’s manipulative behaviour to how the legal system often fails to recognise the signs of coercive control. We work on recognising the abuser’s patterns, predicting their courtroom tactics, and strategising on how to stay grounded throughout the process. Staying informed and prepared gives survivors a greater sense of control, even in a system that feels biased against them.

Nova: That’s invaluable advice. The legal system can sometimes perpetuate the abuse, creating another layer of trauma for victims. What advice would you give to survivors who feel completely overwhelmed by the family court process, especially when they have to fight for custody or child support against a narcissistic abuser?

Christine: One of the most important things I tell survivors is to stay grounded in reality and to document everything. Keeping a detailed journal of the abuse—whether it’s emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or other forms of coercive control—is crucial. When survivors feel confused or begin to doubt themselves, they can revisit the written record to remind themselves of what really happened. I also advocate for radical acceptance. This means accepting the abuser for who they are, without hoping for change, and preparing for their predictable behaviour. Once you accept that the narcissistic abuser will continue their tactics, you can better protect yourself and your children.

Nova: Radical acceptance is such a crucial concept, but it’s also incredibly hard to reach. It’s not something that happens overnight, right?

Christine: Definitely. Radical acceptance is a process, not a switch you flip. It takes time, therapy, and a lot of self-reflection. Sometimes, revisiting the painful memories of narcissistic abuse helps survivors see why they had to leave and why they must stay out of the relationship. It’s also about learning to detach emotionally from the abuser’s manipulations, so their actions no longer have power over you. As survivors work through this process, they begin to regain their sense of self and their personal power.

Nova: That’s such a valuable perspective. Christine, thank you so much for sharing your expertise today. Your work with victims of coercive control and narcissistic abuse, particularly helping protective parents, is so important. I know our listeners will find your insight incredibly helpful.

Christine: Thank you, Nova. It’s been a pleasure to be here. I’m so grateful for the work you’re doing, raising awareness and providing a platform for these crucial conversations. It’s through these discussions that we can continue to educate the public and create real change.

Nova: It’s all about fairness and justice for the protective parents, isn’t it? And I’m really grateful that here in Australia, coercive control is finally being recognised and criminalised.

Christine: Yes, in Queensland, there’s been significant progress, though I’m still unsure about how far other states have come. But recognising coercive control in law is such a necessary step forward.

Nova: Absolutely. And the awareness is growing, but there’s still a long way to go. Many people still don’t understand what coercive control actually is—they think it’s just a buzzword or a new term for domestic violence. But in reality, coercive control is at the foundation of all forms of abuse. It’s about power, control, and manipulation, not just physical violence.

Christine: Exactly. And the most frustrating part is that many systems, including the courts, continue to enable this abuse. When protective parents come forward with allegations of coercive control or narcissistic abuse, they’re often not believed. Over 50% of mothers who report emotional and psychological abuse aren’t taken seriously by the courts, which is devastating.

Nova: Yes, and they often end up being punished for the trauma responses they’ve developed as a result of the abuse. The courts look at them and think they’re "unstable," without understanding the psychological effects of years of coercive control and manipulation.

Christine: That’s one of the most frustrating aspects. Victims are left feeling ashamed of their emotional reactions, while the narcissistic abuser remains calm, composed, and manipulative. The courts often fail to see the true dynamics of the situation, which allows the abuse to continue, even through co-parenting arrangements. It’s psychological warfare, and the courts expect victims to remain composed in these incredibly triggering environments.

Nova: Absolutely. And here in Australia, we have these family reports, where psychologists or social workers interview the parents and children and then write reports that hold a lot of weight in court. But if they don’t understand coercive control, they can inadvertently support the abuser.

Christine: That’s a huge issue in the U.S. as well. We have guardian ad litems and forensic evaluators who spend minimal time with the children and parents but make massive decisions that can perpetuate the abuse. Often, the court defaults to 50/50 custody, which is entirely inappropriate in cases of coercive control and emotional abuse.

Nova: Exactly. The abuser continues to exert power and control over the children, and the system just reinforces that. It’s a nightmare for protective parents who are fighting to keep their children safe.

Christine: Children are often afraid to align with the protective parent because they know there will be consequences from the abuser. They’re stuck in this horrible dynamic where they have no anchor. The system doesn’t always see the long-term harm being done.

Nova: And worse, sometimes children side with the abuser because that’s the only way they’ve learned to survive. They’ve been conditioned to normalise the abuse, so they go along with it to keep the peace.

Christine: That’s such a heartbreaking reality. It takes years of therapy and support for these children to unlearn the abusive patterns they’ve been exposed to. It’s a long road to healing for everyone involved.