Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, causes the narcissist to engage in what is known as narcissistic abuse. This type of abuse encompasses emotional abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control and psychological abuse, which are covert forms of domestic violence that make the victim feel crazy. It impacts the mental health of every victim. It can also involve physical abuse. If you have a narcissist in your life then you also have their flying monkeys!
In this podcast, leading expert and specialist trauma informed counselor Nova Gibson, offers concise, empowering advice on navigating, escaping, and healing from the narcissist, and their flying monkey's insidious forms of domestic abuse. Novaâs expertise in identifying behaviours of narcissistic abusers, such as coercive control, gaslighting, and trauma bonding, is invaluable for those in toxic relationships.
Whether the covert narcissist, or overt narcissist is an intimate partner engaging in intimate partner violence, a friend, parent, or colleague, the life-changing insights from Nova and her guests will support your healing journey back to self care and self love, and to address the inevitable ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder).
Nova is director, founder and principle counselor at Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service. She is also the best-selling author of the globally acclaimed 'Fake Love - Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse'. HarperCollins.
Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
When a narcissist turns your family against you.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Fake-Love-Understanding-Healing-Narcissistic
The Narcissist turns your Family against you.
In this eye-opening episode, we explore the heartbreaking reality of when a narcissist turns your family against you. Dealing with a narcissist who turns your family against you can feel isolating and devastating. In this episode, we explore how narcissists use manipulation, smear campaigns, and gaslighting to create a wedge between you and your loved ones, common tactics used by narcissists to manipulate and divide families. Learn how these calculated moves isolate victims, erode familial bonds, and leave you feeling betrayed by your family.
For Zoom counselling support in your narcissistic abuse recovery available worldwide, please visit my website below.
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Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.
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How Does the Narcissist Fool Your Family?
Itâs a devastating reality: the narcissist youâve been trying to expose has somehow managed to charm and manipulate even your own familyâpeople who have known you your entire life. Youâve lived with these people, shared countless experiences with them, and yet, when you approach them to explain how youâve been treated, they seem perplexed or even dismissive. Perhaps they say things like, âTheyâre not perfect, but try a little harder. They do love you.â These comments reflect the most isolating and frustrating aspect of narcissistic abuseâwhen even those closest to you canât comprehend the full extent of the harm being done.
But how does this happen? Why is it that your family, the people you thought would support and believe you, find themselves siding with the narcissist? What makes this situation even more agonizing is that you may have just begun to question the relationship yourself. You know something feels off, but when you reach out to your loved ones, they only see the version of the narcissist that they met initiallyâthe person you raved about, the one who seemed âtoo good to be true.â So, what exactly are they falling for? Letâs dive into how narcissists fool even the closest people in your life and how they manage to maintain their façade.
The Mask of the Narcissist: Winning Over Your Loved Ones
When you first met the narcissist, they seemed perfect. You likely had no idea they were a narcissist at the time; instead, you saw someone who was caring, attentive, and eager to invest in your life. One of the narcissistâs early tactics is to rush the relationship, engaging in what is often called future faking. They make grand promises about your future together, often trying to meet your family within days or weeks. At first, this can feel flattering. After all, who wouldnât want to be with someone so eager to commit and invest in your world?
The narcissist might suggest meeting their family or friends early on, and similarly, theyâll express a strong desire to meet your loved ones. Theyâll work hard to leave a positive impression on everyone around you. This is a deliberate strategy. The narcissist wants your family to see them as the ideal partnerâsomeone who cares deeply about you and your happiness. Every word and action during this initial phase is meticulously crafted to establish a stronghold within your inner circle.
But this facade is part of the narcissistâs manipulation. Theyâre not just "nice" or "charming" for the sake of it; theyâre laying the groundwork for the isolation they will impose later. By creating strong bonds with your family and friends, the narcissist ensures that when the abuse starts to surface, your loved ones will have a hard time believing you. After all, the narcissist they see is kind, generous, and lovingâhow could that same person be causing you such harm?
Future Faking and Masking: Laying the Trap
Future faking is one of the most insidious tactics narcissists use to manipulate and control. When they rush into deep emotional commitments early in the relationship, it isnât because theyâre genuinely interested in a long-term bond. Instead, theyâre strategically implying a future to keep you invested in the present. The narcissist says things like, âI canât wait for you to meet my parents,â or âI canât imagine a future without you in it,â all while making sure your family feels the same connection. This future faking cements their image as a committed partner, leaving you and your loved ones convinced that theyâre here for the long haul.
Meanwhile, this isnât just about securing your devotion; itâs also about manipulating your familyâs perceptions. By building close relationships with them and appearing to be the "perfect" partner, the narcissist ensures that any future complaints you have will be downplayed or dismissed. When the inevitable cracks in the relationship begin to show, your family may be more likely to believe the narcissistâs version of events, minimizing your experiences in favor of the charming facade theyâve witnessed.
Creating Distance Through Isolation
Narcissists thrive on control, and one of their key methods of achieving it is through isolation. As they build these close bonds with your family, theyâre not doing it out of genuine affection or interest. Instead, theyâre planting seeds for future isolation. Once theyâve ingratiated themselves into your familyâs lives, they begin to subtly drive a wedge between you and your loved ones.
At first, this may look like small, seemingly insignificant comments: "Your mom seemed a little cold today, donât you think?" or "I feel like your sister doesnât like me for some reason." Over time, these comments build, and the narcissist begins to suggest that maybe your family isnât as supportive as you think. They may even try to convince you that your family is toxic, causing you to pull away and rely more heavily on the narcissist for support.
By creating these rifts, the narcissist effectively isolates you from your support system. They want you to feel like you have nowhere else to turn. This isolation gives the narcissist more control, making it harder for you to leave the relationship or seek help when the abuse becomes unbearable. Your family, once a source of comfort and support, now seems distant and unsupportive, all because the narcissist has successfully manipulated both you and them.
Smearing Your Reputation: Turning Your Family Against You
Another devastating tactic narcissists use is the smear campaign. Once theyâve established themselves as the "good" partner in the eyes of your family, they begin planting seeds of doubt about you. Perhaps they mention your anxiety or depression to your loved ones, framing it as the root cause of the relationship problems. "Iâm really worried about Sophieâs anxietyâitâs been so bad lately, and itâs really affecting our relationship," they might say, painting themselves as the concerned partner while subtly shifting the blame onto you.
This smear campaign works because your family has already been charmed by the narcissist. Theyâve seen the mask, not the abuse. When the narcissist presents themselves as a caring, concerned partner, itâs easy for your loved ones to believe that youâre the one struggling, that maybe your anxiety is the real issue, not the narcissistâs behavior. This creates a heartbreaking situation where your family may begin to side with the narcissist, further isolating you and leaving you feeling unsupported and alone.
Rebuilding Your Support System
If you find yourself in this situation, itâs important to remember that the manipulation and isolation are not your fault. Narcissists are skilled at controlling the narrative, and they often succeed in turning even your closest loved ones against you. However, there is hope. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who understands narcissistic abuse can help you rebuild your support system and heal from the damage caused by the narcissistâs manipulation.
In some cases, it may be necessary to bring your loved ones into therapy with you. A skilled therapist can help them understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse and see through the mask that the narcissist has been wearing. Itâs also crucial to remember that not all family members will be able to see the truth, and in those cases, you may need to minimize contact with toxic relatives while you focus on your healing.
Conclusion: You Deserve Support
Navigating life after narcissistic abuse is challenging, but you donât have to do it alone. While the narcissist may have succeeded in turning your family against you temporarily, with the right support, you can rebuild your life and regain your confidence. Reaching out to a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse is a crucial step in breaking free from the narcissistâs control and regaining the support of your loved ones. Remember, the abuse is not your fault, and you deserve to be believed and supported