The narcissist's obsession with food

Narcissists use food as another way to control and manipulate the people in their lives. The complex relationship between narcissists and food. In this episode, we explore how control, indulgence, power and manipulation often intertwine with their eating habits and yours. Tune in to learn how food becomes a weapon for dominance and what it reveals about their desire for control and their own self-gratifying, ritualistic behaviours centred around food.  

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Transcript

Narcissists and Food: The Surprising Ways They Use It to Control and Manipulate You

In today’s episode, we’re diving into a topic that might sound a little strange at first but will resonate deeply with anyone who has experienced relationships with narcissists—food. Yes, food. As odd as it sounds, narcissists can have unusual behaviors, habits, and even obsessions when it comes to meals. And it’s not just quirky—it’s strategic. Narcissists use food as another way to control and manipulate the people in their lives.

This might seem like a small part of life, but trust me, it plays a much bigger role than you might think. Narcissists will use any tool at their disposal to exert dominance, and food is no exception. Let's break it down and explore how narcissists use something as basic as food to control, shame, and manipulate you.

Why Do Narcissists Use Food to Control?

Narcissists are all about control. They thrive on maintaining power over others, and food is a perfect way to do that. Think about it: we all need to eat multiple times a day. Meals are a routine part of life, so for a narcissist, this is a prime opportunity to insert themselves into your daily habits and assert their control.

It starts small—maybe they insist on always choosing the restaurant, or they comment on your food choices. Over time, you’ll notice that meal times are no longer about nourishment or connection; they become another opportunity for the narcissist to dominate and dictate. Narcissists will often project their own preferences and dislikes onto you, making you feel guilty or ashamed of your own choices. And here’s the thing: it works. They make you feel powerless.

It’s Not Just a Quirk: Narcissistic Behaviors Around Food

At first glance, a narcissist’s strange food habits might just seem quirky. You might think, "Oh, they’re just picky," or "They have weird preferences." But as with most narcissistic behavior, there’s a darker side to it. Many of my clients initially brushed off these behaviors as nothing more than odd personality traits, only to realize later that these "quirks" were part of a larger pattern of abuse and control.

Forcing their preferences on you is a common tactic. Maybe they insist you only cook certain meals that they like, or they refuse to eat foods you enjoy. It’s not about the food itself—it’s about bending your will to fit theirs. Over time, these small concessions add up, and before you know it, you’re tiptoeing around meal times, trying to avoid conflict.

How Narcissists Use Meals as a Power Play

In most families, meal times are an opportunity to connect and bond. It’s a time to sit down, share stories, and enjoy each other’s company. But in a narcissistic relationship, meal times can feel like a battleground. Narcissists will turn something as simple as dinner into a power play, setting rigid rules that everyone must follow.

For instance, being late to dinner—even for a legitimate reason—can lead to punishment. It’s not about enjoying a meal together; it’s about the narcissist showing you who’s in charge. You’ll find yourself bending over backward to meet their unreasonable demands, all to avoid their wrath. This constant state of fear and obedience is exhausting and, unfortunately, exactly what the narcissist wants.

Passive-Aggressive Food Shaming

One of the subtler ways narcissists control you is through passive-aggressive comments about your food choices. Let’s say you’re trying to lose weight or eat healthier. Instead of being supportive, the narcissist will make snide remarks like, "Are you really going to eat all that? I thought you were on a diet." On the surface, these comments seem harmless, but they’re designed to humiliate and shame you.

Over time, these passive-aggressive comments erode your confidence. You start associating food with guilt and shame, especially when eating around the narcissist. Suddenly, meal times—something that should be enjoyable—become a source of anxiety. You start questioning your every bite, worried about how the narcissist will respond.

Portion Control and Power Dynamics

Another way narcissists assert control is through portion control. Ever noticed that you’re the one giving the narcissist the best portion of food—the biggest piece of steak or the freshest ingredients—while you’re left with the smaller, less desirable bits? This isn’t by accident.

You’ve likely been conditioned to prioritize their needs over your own. If they feel slighted, even over something as minor as the size of their portion, they’ll make sure you pay for it later. So, to avoid their anger, you end up serving them the best food while you settle for less. It’s all part of their manipulation tactics, making you feel like their needs are more important than yours.

Twisting Love and Care into Control

Narcissists are experts at twisting their criticism into something that sounds like care. They’ll criticize your eating habits or weight and frame it as concern for your health. "I’m just looking out for you," they’ll say, making you feel guilty for not appreciating their "love."

Over time, you start to believe that love means enduring harsh comments and insults. You begin to question your self-worth, wondering if they really are just trying to help. But the truth is, this is a manipulation tactic designed to keep you under their control.

Special Food for the Narcissist: A Power Move

One of the most common patterns in narcissistic households is the narcissist having their own special stash of food. Imagine this: you’re on a tight budget, buying groceries for the family. You pick up the basics, but the narcissist insists on having luxury items—think caviar, expensive wine, or gourmet snacks—while criticizing you for spending an extra dollar on something nice for the kids.

This isn’t about money—it’s about control. The narcissist wants to remind you who’s in charge, using food as a way to make you feel unworthy or irresponsible. It’s a form of financial abuse that often goes hand-in-hand with narcissistic control.

Destroying Your Joy Through Food

Have you ever noticed how food is often tied to celebrations? Birthdays, holidays, and family milestones are often marked by special meals. But narcissists have a way of ruining these joyful moments. Let’s say you’ve had a good day, maybe a success at work or with friends. You decide to cook a special dinner to celebrate, excited to share your happiness.

But when the narcissist comes home, sensing your joy, they immediately decide to tear it down. They might take one bite and declare the meal disgusting, or worse, they could throw the entire meal in the trash. It’s not just rude behavior—it’s emotional abuse. The narcissist uses food to remind you that your success and happiness don’t matter. It’s a deliberate attempt to destroy your joy.

Ritualistic Behaviors Around Food

Here’s where it gets even more bizarre. Many narcissists develop odd, ritualistic behaviors around their food. They’ll cut their food in a particular way, eat at specific times, or use their own special plate. And if you don’t follow their rituals, they’ll accuse you of being disrespectful.

It’s not just about how they eat; it’s about coercive control. These rituals keep everyone on edge, making you feel like you’re constantly doing something wrong. You might even find yourself adopting their strange habits, just to keep the peace.

Food as a Weapon of Punishment

Narcissists also have a way of claiming ownership over food. They’ll designate a certain shelf in the fridge or pantry as theirs, filled with the most expensive items. And if someone—especially a child—dares to touch it, the punishment is swift. The narcissist might withhold dessert for a week or degrade the child, calling them "fat" or "undeserving."

This sense of ownership over food creates a toxic environment, especially for children. It can lead to unhealthy relationships with food, including eating disorders, as the children grow up trying to regain some control over their lives.

Final Thoughts: How Narcissists Weaponize Food

Food should be a source of nourishment and joy, but for narcissists, it becomes another tool of manipulation. Whether through passive-aggressive comments, portion control, or bizarre rituals, narcissists use food to exert power and make you feel small. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step in breaking free from their control.