6 reasons a Narcissist can't Love their Children

Narcissists use their kids to boost their ego, treating them like extensions of themselves rather than individuals. From lacking empathy to always needing control, narcissistic parents don’t give the unconditional love and support children need. We’ll talk about how If you've ever wondered how a narcissist impacts their children’s emotional well-being, this episode dives into the hard truths, offering insights and tips to help make sense of it all. 

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Transcript

Six Reasons a Narcissist Can’t Love Their Own Children

When we think of love, especially between parents and their children, it’s natural to assume that it comes automatically. After all, parents are supposed to be the primary source of love and care for their kids, right? But what happens when the parent in question is a narcissist? Sadly, in cases of narcissistic abuse, love takes on a completely different meaning. Let's dive into six reasons why a narcissist simply cannot love their own children.

What is Love, Really?

Before we break down the ways a narcissist fails to love their children, it’s important to talk about what love actually means. Love, at its core, is an emotion that makes us feel good. It’s about wanting the best for someone, being kind, compassionate, and empathetic toward them. It’s about mutual respect, care, and never intentionally causing harm.

Love isn't transactional. It’s not about what we can get from someone but what we can give to them. In healthy parent-child relationships, this love is usually unconditional. However, when it comes to a narcissistic parent, love is anything but unconditional. It’s based on their needs and what they can gain from their child.

1. A Narcissist Sees Everyone as Objects—Including Their Kids

One of the biggest reasons a narcissist cannot love their children is that, to them, everyone is just an object. Narcissists don’t see people as individuals with their own emotions, needs, and desires. Instead, people are merely tools to meet their own needs.

Children, unfortunately, aren’t exempt from this. They, too, are objects in the eyes of the narcissist. This lack of empathy means that a narcissist can’t form the kind of bond most parents have with their kids. Instead of genuine love, the relationship is purely transactional. The child exists to serve the parent’s needs, not the other way around.

2. A Narcissist Can’t Handle Their Children Outshining Them

Most parents want their kids to succeed and feel proud when they do. For a narcissistic parent, though, this can be a threat. If their child appears more successful, more confident, or simply happier than they are, it can cause a deep sense of insecurity in the narcissist.

Instead of boosting their child up, a narcissist will often try to tear them down. The child’s success is seen as a betrayal. Narcissists can’t stand the idea of their child being “better” than them in any way. If the child is thriving, it can hurt the narcissist’s fragile ego, which is something they will do anything to avoid.

3. Children Have Their Own Thoughts and Feelings—A Narcissist Can’t Handle That

Another reason a narcissist can’t love their children is because kids have something that narcissists despise: autonomy. Children are individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. But a narcissistic parent doesn’t want a child who has their own identity. They want a child who is a perfect reflection of them and who will always comply with their rules.

If a child dares to have their own opinion or express their individuality, it becomes a problem. Instead of celebrating their child’s uniqueness, a narcissistic parent will often squash it. They don’t see their child as a person to nurture and encourage, but rather as someone who should always reflect the narcissist’s needs and desires.

4. A Narcissist is an Abuser—Not a Loving Parent

One of the most heartbreaking aspects of narcissistic abuse is the manipulation that comes with it. Narcissists can often appear as though they are good parents on the outside, making it confusing for their children or even other adults in their lives.

A common sentiment I hear from clients is something like, “He/she treats me terribly, but they seem so good with their kids.” However, this is just another form of manipulation. Narcissists may appear to be loving towards their children in public, but behind closed doors, the narcissistic abuse continues. The reality is that an abuser can’t be a loving parent. If a narcissist is abusive toward you, there’s no way they can truly love their own children.

5. Children Can Expose the Narcissist’s True Self

One of the biggest fears a narcissist has is being exposed. They go to great lengths to create a public image of themselves that is perfect, and their children pose a threat to that. As children grow older, they start to see the narcissist for who they really are.

To protect their image, narcissists often pit their children against each other. They may assign roles like the “golden child” and the “scapegoat.” By doing this, they create a divide between their kids, ensuring that one child will always defend them while the other may eventually speak out. This divide also serves to keep their image intact, as the narcissist can claim that any complaints from the scapegoat child are exaggerated or false.

6. A Narcissist Can’t Handle Their Child Being Loved by Others

Finally, a narcissist cannot love their children because they can’t stand it when someone else does. Narcissists view their children as extensions of themselves, and any attention the child receives from someone else is seen as a threat. If a child forms close bonds with others, it takes the focus away from the narcissistic parent.

For a narcissist, this is intolerable. They want to be the center of their child’s universe and can’t stand the thought of their child receiving love and attention from anyone else. This jealousy further prevents a narcissist from forming a genuine, loving relationship with their child.

Conclusion: The Pain of Growing Up with a Narcissistic Parent

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can be incredibly damaging. The lack of genuine love, the manipulation, and the constant feeling of never being good enough can leave deep emotional scars. It’s essential for adult children of narcissists to understand that their parent’s inability to love them isn’t their fault. It’s a reflection of the parent’s disorder and their incapacity to feel empathy.

If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse from a parent, know that healing is possible. It starts with understanding what you’ve been through and recognizing that you deserve real love—unconditional, empathetic, and supportive love.