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Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, causes the narcissist to engage in what is known as narcissistic abuse. This type of abuse encompasses emotional abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control and psychological abuse, which are covert forms of domestic violence that make the victim feel crazy. It impacts the mental health of every victim. It can also involve physical abuse. If you have a narcissist in your life then you also have their flying monkeys!
In this podcast, leading expert and specialist trauma informed counselor Nova Gibson, offers concise, empowering advice on navigating, escaping, and healing from the narcissist, and their flying monkey's insidious forms of domestic abuse. Nova’s expertise in identifying behaviours of narcissistic abusers, such as coercive control, gaslighting, and trauma bonding, is invaluable for those in toxic relationships.
Whether the covert narcissist, or overt narcissist is an intimate partner engaging in intimate partner violence, a friend, parent, or colleague, the life-changing insights from Nova and her guests will support your healing journey back to self care and self love, and to address the inevitable ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder).
Nova is director, founder and principle counselor at Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service. She is also the best-selling author of the globally acclaimed 'Fake Love - Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse'. HarperCollins.
Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Responding to Family Flying Monkeys
Responding to Flying Monkeys in the Family is tricky!
In this episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, I dive into one of the most difficult challenges victims of narcissistic abuse face—dealing with "flying monkeys" within their own family. These enablers often act on behalf of the narcissist, spreading lies, creating tension, and making it even harder to break free from the toxic cycle. I offer practical strategies on how to respond to flying monkeys in your family, without getting caught up in the drama. Learn how to set boundaries, protect your mental health, and navigate these complex dynamics. Whether you're currently facing this or just curious about the term, this episode is packed with insights to help you heal and move forward.
For Zoom counselling support in your narcissistic abuse recovery available worldwide, please visit my website below.
Nova 🌻
www.brighteroutlooknarcissisticabusecounselling.com.au
If you found this episode informative, I would absolutely love it if you could rate this podcast, leave a review, and please share, Share, SHARE! Help to spread awareness around Narcissistic Abuse, so there's more support and justice for survivors!
Nova xx
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Thankyou so much for listening!
Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.
If you would like to make an appointment for individual counselling with me , please visit my website at ,Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service , or email me at nova.pollard123gmail.com
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How to Handle Flying Monkeys and Narcissistic Siblings: Breaking Free from Family Toxicity
Dealing with toxic family members is never easy, but when a narcissistic sibling is involved, things get much more complicated. The narcissist doesn’t work alone—they often employ what we call "flying monkeys" to manipulate you into lowering your boundaries and staying connected. These flying monkeys can be family members or friends who unknowingly help the narcissist by pressuring you to stay in the toxic dynamic. In this episode, we'll explore how to manage these difficult family situations and stick to your boundaries.
What Are Flying Monkeys in Narcissistic Abuse?
The term "flying monkeys" refers to people a narcissist uses to manipulate or control their target. These individuals often think they are acting out of love or concern, but they are unknowingly enabling the narcissist's abuse. In many cases, a flying monkey is a family member who wants to keep the peace, even at the expense of your mental health. The name comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends her flying monkeys to do her dirty work.
When it comes to narcissistic siblings, flying monkeys are often relatives like aunts, uncles, or even parents who believe you should forgive and forget. They push you to re-engage with the narcissist, often through guilt trips. If you're the scapegoat trying to break free from the narcissist's control, the flying monkeys swoop in and try to guilt you into maintaining contact. It’s a manipulative tactic designed to keep you in the cycle of narcissistic abuse.
The Guilt Trap: Why It’s Hard to Go No Contact
One of the biggest obstacles to going no contact with a narcissistic sibling is the overwhelming guilt that often follows. As Nova Gibson, a trauma-informed counsellor specialising in narcissistic abuse, explains, societal norms around family make it hard to step away from toxic relationships. We are often taught that family should stick together no matter what, making it harder for you to set boundaries with a narcissistic sibling or parent.
But when you're dealing with narcissistic family dynamics, it’s a different story. This isn't just a disagreement that can be resolved through conversation. It's an ongoing pattern of manipulation and emotional abuse. However, the belief that "family is everything" can trap you into feeling obligated to maintain these toxic relationships, even when they cause immense harm.
How Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys to Control You
Imagine you’ve finally decided to set boundaries with your narcissistic sibling. You've chosen not to attend family gatherings like Christmas, knowing they will be emotionally harmful. But then, your aunt calls and says, "We all miss you, and your sibling really wants to see you. It’s Christmas! Can’t you put everything aside for one day?" This is a textbook example of a flying monkey tactic.
The narcissist knows you’ll find it harder to refuse if someone else, especially a family member you care about, asks you. This is how flying monkeys manipulate you—they apply pressure on behalf of the narcissist. Often, these flying monkeys are unaware of the narcissist’s true nature and believe they’re helping to fix a simple family dispute. But the reality is, by pressuring you, they’re helping the narcissist maintain control.
The Emotional Strain of Being Misunderstood
One of the most painful aspects of dealing with flying monkeys is the emotional burden of being misunderstood. These relatives or friends often think they’re helping mend the relationship, not realising the deep emotional wounds they’re reopening. They may say things like, "Your sibling loves you, can't you forgive them?" or "It's just one day, what’s the harm?" These statements are well-meaning but incredibly damaging because they disregard the emotional abuse you’ve endured.
This manipulation can leave you questioning yourself and your boundaries. Narcissistic siblings count on this, knowing that you’re more likely to lower your defences when faced with guilt from loved ones. The flying monkey doesn’t see the abuse—they only see what the narcissist has told them, and as a result, they make you feel like you’re in the wrong for standing up for yourself.
Toxic Flying Monkeys: When They Know Exactly What They’re Doing
While some flying monkeys are truly clueless, others are toxic in their own right. In these cases, the flying monkey might fully understand the narcissist’s manipulative tactics but chooses to participate anyway. Often, these individuals are part of the same toxic family dynamic, and they benefit from keeping you under control.
For example, a narcissistic sibling might convince a toxic parent to guilt you into attending family gatherings. They’ll say things like, "How can you abandon your family?" or "Your sibling is willing to move on, so why can’t you?" These are classic narcissistic abuse tactics designed to make you feel guilty and question your decision to distance yourself. In this scenario, the narcissistic sibling is supported by other toxic family members, creating a united front against your attempts to break free.
Narcissistic Abuse vs. Normal Family Conflicts
It’s essential to understand the difference between normal family conflicts and the toxic dynamics caused by narcissistic abuse. In healthy families, disagreements happen, but they’re resolved through communication and compromise. In contrast, a narcissistic sibling is not interested in resolving anything—they’re interested in maintaining control. For them, the end goal is always winning, and they’ll use every tactic available, including flying monkeys, to get their way.
When flying monkeys enter the picture, it creates the illusion that you’re the unreasonable one for refusing to engage. They’ll frame the conflict as a simple misunderstanding, but in reality, it’s about abuse. The narcissist is manipulating everyone involved to make it seem like you’re overreacting, when, in fact, you’re protecting yourself from further harm.
Standing Firm in Your Boundaries
So how do you deal with flying monkeys and the guilt they bring? Nova Gibson advises that the key is to maintain your boundaries no matter what. The narcissist will continue to launch a smear campaign against you whether or not you attend that family event, so protecting your mental health should be your top priority.
It’s easy to feel like you owe your family something, especially when flying monkeys insist on reconciliation, but your well-being has to come first. Lowering your boundaries only opens the door for the narcissist to continue their abuse. While it can be painful to distance yourself from family members, it’s even more painful to stay in a toxic environment that harms you.
Sometimes, this means going no contact with not only the narcissistic sibling but also with the flying monkeys who refuse to respect your boundaries. It’s not an easy decision, but when your mental health is at stake, it’s essential.
Breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Breaking free from a toxic family dynamic is one of the hardest things you can do, but it’s also one of the most important. Family guilt, societal expectations, and personal history can all make it difficult, but remember that you are not obligated to maintain relationships that hurt you. Whether it’s a narcissistic sibling or a flying monkey, your mental health and peace of mind should always come first.
Seeking professional support can make a huge difference. A counsellor who specialises in narcissistic abuse can provide you with the tools to maintain your boundaries and break free from the toxic cycle. It’s okay to walk away from toxic relationships, even if they involve family.
In conclusion, dealing with flying monkeys and a narcissistic sibling is emotionally draining, but it's essential to prioritise your mental health. Stay strong, keep your boundaries firm, and remember that you deserve to be in relationships that support and nurture you. No family event is worth sacrificing your peace of mind.