Why do Narcissists get married?

Why Do Narcissists Get Married?

Why would a narcissist pursue marriage when they lack empathy and struggle with genuine connection? In this revealing episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, I uncover the hidden motivations behind a narcissist's desire to walk down the aisle. It’s rarely about love—marriage is a tool for control, status, and securing a long-term supply of validation.

We explore how narcissists use marriage to trap their victims, often pressuring them into having children to further solidify control and create a permanent tie. Marriage, for the narcissist, isn’t just about manipulation; it's also about projecting an image of normalcy and respectability to the outside world. By appearing like the perfect spouse and parent, they can continue their covert abuse while maintaining a façade of being a loving partner.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone wanting to understand the insidious ways narcissists use relationships to serve their own needs while disregarding their partner’s well-being. 
(BTW. You'll know what I mean when you listen to it, [can't delete it and reupload], I meant "stake a claim. NOT claim a stake"!) Oops. I think I must have been thinking of my dinner when I recorded this! 😂

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Transcript

Why Do Narcissists Get Married? It's All About Control, Not Love

Many people ask, Why would a narcissist even bother getting married if they can't be loyal or committed? After all, marriage is supposed to be about love, trust, and mutual respect. But when you're dealing with a narcissist, marriage takes on a completely different meaning—one centered around control, manipulation, and, of course, the constant need for narcissistic supply.

Why Narcissists Get Married

For narcissists, marriage isn’t about love or emotional intimacy. It’s transactional. Narcissists marry because it suits their agenda at the time. Whether it's financial gain, social status, or simply having someone to prop up their fragile ego, they see marriage as a means to secure a stable supply of whatever they need at that moment.

They often choose a new partner, or "target," who hasn’t yet been subjected to their abusive tactics. This person is ideal because they’re still enamoured by the narcissist’s charm and charisma. But once the initial honeymoon phase wears off, the narcissist's true colours come out, and the cycle of manipulation begins.

The Heartbreak of Seeing a Narcissist Move On

One of the hardest things for victims of narcissistic abuse is watching their ex move on to someone new—sometimes alarmingly quickly. It's not uncommon for a narcissist to marry their new partner soon after discarding the previous one. This can be devastating for the person left behind, who may start to wonder, What was wrong with me? or Why wasn’t I good enough for them?

In reality, it’s not about you at all. The narcissist didn’t leave because you weren’t worthy; they simply found a new source of supply that suited them at the time. Their new relationship will follow the same toxic pattern as the last. The cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard will inevitably repeat.

Why Narcissists Rush Into Marriage

Narcissists marry quickly for various reasons, but none of them involve love. They often marry because it helps them maintain the image of being a stable, successful person. For example, if they’re surrounded by people who are settling down, getting married, and having children, the narcissist will want to fit in and project the same image.

On top of that, narcissists are opportunistic. If their new target has money, a good reputation, or social connections, marriage is a convenient way to lock in those benefits. They aren’t interested in building a real partnership. They’re focused on what they can get out of the deal.

Narcissistic Marriage: A Business Transaction

To a narcissist, marriage is less about love and more about what’s in it for them. Whether it's money, property, or a partner who enhances their social standing, they enter marriage with a transactional mindset. They’re not interested in giving or compromising. Everything revolves around them.

Narcissists also love playing the role of the perfect spouse in public. They’ll put on a show of being a devoted partner, only to turn around and gaslight, manipulate, and devalue their spouse behind closed doors. This dual personality is exhausting for their partner, who is often left questioning reality.

Financial Motivations Behind Narcissistic Marriage

One of the biggest reasons narcissists get married is to gain access to their partner’s financial resources. If they sense that their partner has recently come into money—whether it’s an inheritance, a settlement, or a successful business—they’ll swoop in, playing the role of the supportive, loving partner.

Behind the scenes, though, the narcissist is carefully plotting how to secure those resources for themselves. They’ll use manipulation, guilt, and charm to convince their partner that they’re in it for the long haul, all while looking for ways to control the finances.

Narcissists Are Opportunistic Predators

Narcissists know how to spot vulnerable people. They often target individuals who are recovering from a traumatic experience, such as the end of a previous relationship or the loss of a loved one. They present themselves as a knight in shining armour, offering emotional support and pretending to be the perfect partner. But their ultimate goal is to exploit their victim’s vulnerability for personal gain.

In these cases, marriage becomes a convenient way for the narcissist to cement their control. By tying themselves to their partner legally, they gain access to their partner’s money, assets, and resources.

Narcissists and Children: A Lifelong Source of Supply

For many narcissists, marriage isn’t just about securing financial or social resources—it’s also about having children. Narcissists see children as a way to ensure a lifelong supply of control and attention. Even if the marriage ends, they’ll always have a connection to their ex through their children.

Narcissists don’t view their children as individuals with their own needs and feelings. Instead, they see them as extensions of themselves. Narcissists will use their children to manipulate their partner, even after the relationship is over. They might interfere with co-parenting, making it difficult for their ex to have a healthy relationship with the kids.

The Narcissist’s Ultimate Weapon: Triangulation

Narcissists love to create chaos, and one of the ways they do this is through triangulation. If they have more than one child, they’ll often assign roles within the family: one child becomes the scapegoat, while the other is the golden child. This causes tension between the children, who end up competing for the narcissist’s affection.

Meanwhile, the narcissist sits back and enjoys the chaos, knowing they have total control over the family dynamic. For the other parent, it’s a nightmare. They feel helpless as they watch their children become pawns in the narcissist’s twisted game.

Children as Narcissistic Supply

It’s important to understand that narcissists don’t truly love their children. Any semblance of love or affection is simply a tool of manipulation. Narcissists will give their children basic needs—like food, shelter, and sometimes even lavish gifts—but these always come with strings attached. They’ll remind their children of everything they’ve done for them, making the child feel indebted and obligated to them.

This dynamic creates a trauma bond between the narcissist and their children. The child mistakes the narcissist’s crumbs of affection for love, clinging to them in the hopes of receiving more. Even as they suffer emotionally, the child continues to seek the narcissist’s approval, further solidifying the trauma bond.

The Role of Marriage in Narcissistic Abuse

When a narcissist asks you to marry them, it’s not because they love you—it’s because they want to control you. For many victims, having children with a narcissist feels like a natural next step in the relationship, but for the narcissist, it’s a way to solidify their power over you.

If you're a woman married to a male narcissist, you're often reduced to a vessel—a means to produce children, who then become tools in the narcissist's arsenal. If the narcissist is female, her partner becomes little more than a sperm donor, allowing her to create “property”—children she can manipulate and control.

Marrying to Hurt You

Narcissists also use marriage as a weapon to hurt their previous partners. If a narcissist marries their next target shortly after ending a relationship with you, it’s often a deliberate attempt to punish you. They know how much it will hurt to see them quickly move on, especially if you had hopes of marriage or children with them.

This tactic, known as future faking, involves the narcissist promising things like marriage or children, only to offer these promises to someone else after they discard you. It’s a way of making you feel inadequate, even though the problem was never with you.

Understanding Narcissistic Marriage

At the end of the day, narcissists don’t marry for love. They marry for control, status, and narcissistic supply. Their spouse and children become tools in their game, manipulated for their own benefit.

If you’ve been married to a narcissist or if you’re watching your narcissistic ex move on to someone else, remember that it’s not about you. Their new partner is just another source of supply, and the cycle of abuse will continue. The new relationship may look perfect now, but it’s only a matter of time before the narcissist shows their true colours again.

Moving Forward After Narcissistic Abuse

Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship is incredibly difficult, but it’s also the first step towards healing. Surround yourself with support, educate yourself about narcissistic abuse, and take things one day at a time. You deserve to reclaim your life from the control of the narcissist. Remember, their actions are not a reflection of your worth—it’s all about them and their need for control.