Signs you've met a covert narcissistic female - A male victim tells his story

Signs you've met a covert narcissistic female - A male Victim tells his Story. 

In this episode I explore the hidden traits of the covert narcissistic female. Through the powerful story of a man who describes his own toxic relationship with an undiagnosed narcissist, we uncover how women can subtly manipulate and control their partners without outwardly displaying typical narcissistic traits. 

Our guest bravely shares his journey, detailing the emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and constant invalidation he faced, which left him doubting his reality. This episode also sheds light on how male victims often struggle to come forward due to societal expectations and the covert nature of the abuse.

If you suspect you're dealing with a covert female narcissist, or want to support someone who might be, this episode offers valuable insights into recognizing the red flags and navigating toxic relationships.

Thankyou so much for listening!
Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.

If you would like to make an appointment for individual counselling with me , please visit my website at ,Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service , or email me at nova.pollard123gmail.com

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Transcript

Nova (Host):
Hey everyone, welcome to Fake Love and Flying Monkeys! Today, we’re diving into narcissistic abuse and coercive control—two forms of domestic violence that impact anyone, regardless of gender. Narcissists use a universal set of tactics to manipulate and harm their victims, and today, we’re shining a light on male survivors. I'm excited to have Brent with me, who’s here to share his story as a male survivor of narcissistic abuse. It's such an important topic because men often feel pressured to stay silent. Society tells them it's "unmanly" to talk about their feelings, and many are afraid they’ll be laughed at for admitting they’ve been psychologically abused. But let’s be real—abuse is abuse, no matter who it comes from. Brent, thank you so much for being here today. I know this isn't an easy topic to discuss.

Brent (Guest):
Hey, Nova. Thanks so much for having me. I’m glad to be here and share my experience.

Nova:
Brent, it's tough for men to open up about abuse, especially when it’s psychological. This type of abuse is often downplayed, even though it's a very real and harmful form of domestic violence. What was it like for you during that time? Did you feel like you were losing your grip on reality, unsure of what was happening?

Brent:
Yeah, totally. It still feels surreal talking about it. You never think it’s going to happen to you. But once I started looking into narcissistic abuse, everything clicked. It was like, "Wow, this is exactly what was happening."

I met this woman, and for the first few months, everything was perfect. But then, my anxiety started spiraling out of control. I’ve dealt with anxiety for a long time, but it got worse in the relationship. Instead of supporting me, she made it worse. But I couldn’t see it at the time. I blamed myself, thinking, "It’s my anxiety that’s ruining everything."

Nova:
That’s so common—blaming yourself when, in reality, it's the manipulation at play.

Brent:
Exactly. I was desperate to save the relationship, but she had zero empathy. She actually made me feel worse. I hit rock bottom with a massive anxiety attack in front of her, and instead of supporting me, she became distant. A few weeks later, she discarded me, leaving me trapped in a cycle of self-blame. Even after that, she kept messaging me, like she couldn’t fully let go. I had no idea what trauma bonding was at the time, but that’s exactly what I was caught in.

Nova:
That trauma bond is so powerful. It’s like a quick hit of relief, but it leaves you feeling worse afterward.

Brent:
Yeah, it’s wild. After she “hoovered” me for about a month, we got back together, and things seemed great again. But after a few months, the same patterns returned—she became distant, stopped saying “I love you,” and started hanging out with other people, especially this one guy we both knew. It wasn’t until later that I learned about triangulation.

Nova:
For anyone new to these terms, “hoovering” is when a narcissist pulls you back in, like a vacuum cleaner, and “triangulation” is when they use someone else to make you feel insecure and compete for their attention.

Brent:
Exactly, and it was so subtle. I knew something was off, but I couldn’t figure it out. Eventually, I told her I needed to be treated better. I gave her an out, saying if she didn’t want to be with me, that was fine. And that’s when she completely flipped out—narcissistic rage in full force. She turned everything around and blamed me for everything. The next day, she posted photos with that guy on social media, like everything was perfect.

Nova:
That’s devastating, but it’s classic narcissist behavior. They move on without a second thought, leaving you to deal with the emotional wreckage.

Brent:
It was gut-wrenching. Seeing her move on like I never existed was one of the hardest things to cope with. It’s like they have the emotional maturity of a toddler throwing a tantrum, but for the person left behind, it feels like your world is collapsing.

Nova:
Exactly. Narcissists don’t have empathy, so they don’t care about the damage they leave behind. It’s just another day for them, but it feels like the end of the world for you.

Brent:
Yeah, even after seeing all the red flags, I still thought, “Maybe I can fix this.” I didn’t confront her. I kept trying to make it work.

Nova:
Your instincts probably told you that saying something would only lead to her accusing you of being insecure. And if you don’t say anything, you’re left in pain, so it’s a lose-lose.

Brent:
Exactly. After that, we didn’t talk for a few days, and then she showed up at my place and discarded me for good. But she started ugly crying, and at the time, it worked. I felt bad for her and even apologized, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong.

Nova:
That’s a classic narcissist move—they cry or act vulnerable to keep you hooked.

Brent:
Yeah, she even asked if we could still be “friends.” I didn’t see it then, but now I know that was just her way of keeping me around for future supply.

Nova:
Exactly. When narcissists say they want to stay friends, they’re really just keeping you as an option for later. They don’t want to fully let you go.

Brent:
Yeah, they collect people. She moved on with someone else, but didn’t fully let me go because she might need me again.

Nova:
Narcissists don’t want to go through the whole love-bombing process again, so they keep their exes in the picture to reactivate that trauma bond when it’s convenient for them.

Brent:
Exactly. It wasn’t until I researched terms like gaslighting, triangulation, and stonewalling that I finally understood what was happening. It was like a light bulb moment.

Nova:
That’s common for a lot of survivors. The abuse doesn’t make sense until you can label it.

Brent:
And even after all that, she didn’t leave me alone. She kept showing up in places where I was, even though I thought she had moved on.

Nova:
Narcissists never really disappear. They keep you in their orbit to make sure you don’t forget about them and to keep triangulating you with their new supply.

Brent:
It’s so confusing, especially as a man. Society doesn’t really acknowledge that men can be victims of abuse, so I kept second-guessing myself, wondering if it was really abuse.

Nova:
That’s such an important point. Society still struggles with the idea that men can be victims of narcissistic abuse. Did you find it hard to open up about your experience because of that?

Brent:
Definitely. I downplayed it to myself and didn’t feel comfortable talking about it at first.

Nova:
That’s normal. Many survivors downplay the abuse as part of the trauma bond, where you try to rationalize what happened.

Brent:
Exactly. But once I started learning about narcissistic abuse, I realized it wasn’t just me. I’m still healing, though—it’s only been about four months since the final discard.

Nova:
No contact is crucial for healing. Has she tried to reach out?

Brent:
Yeah, a couple of weeks after the discard, she showed up at my work. But since then, nothing.

Nova:
That’s probably because she’s busy with her new supply. But don’t be surprised if she tries again.

Brent:
I’m staying no contact, for sure.

Nova:
Good. Protecting yourself is key. What advice would you give to other men in your situation?

Brent:
Don’t be ashamed. It’s not your fault. And do your research. Learning about narcissistic abuse helped me understand what I went through.

Nova:
In my book Fake Love, I talk about how important it is to validate your trauma. But be careful not to get addicted to researching—it’s easy to get lost in it. Balance it with self-care.

Brent:
Exactly. You need to focus on healing, not just understanding the abuse.

Nova:
Trust your instincts. They’ll tell you when it’s time to step back and focus on your well-being.

Brent:
For sure. And for anyone listening, remember—it’s not your fault. The abuse messes with your mind, but it’s not you. It’s them.

Nova:
That’s right. Narcissistic abuse is designed to make you feel crazy, but you’re not. Stay strong and reach out for support when you need it.