When the Narcissist is Nice to You: Is it Real?

When the Narcissist is Nice to You: Is it real?

In this episode, we dive deep into why narcissists are nice to you—and it’s rarely out of genuine care. Narcissists often use selective kindness as a calculated tactic to keep you invested in the relationship, but these “nice” moments are usually just a way to manipulate and control. 
It’s important to remember that the percentage of nice times never compensates for the overwhelming bad times. In this episode, we break down how this inconsistency leads to trauma bonding and why you should never measure a relationship by the few good moments.
Learn how to see through these narcissistic tactics, recognize when kindness is just another tool for control, and gain the strength to protect yourself from the cycle of narcissistic manipulation. Whether you’re dealing with a narcissist in a personal or professional setting, understanding this behaviour is crucial to breaking free from their hold.

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Transcript

The Illusion of "Good Times" in a Narcissistic Relationship: Why You’re Stuck Holding on to a Mirage

If you’ve been involved with a narcissist, you’ve probably found yourself thinking, “They’re so nice sometimes, why can’t things stay that way? Maybe I’m overreacting to the bad stuff.” Sound familiar? Don’t worry—you’re not alone. This type of thinking is extremely common among people trapped in a narcissistic relationship. But the truth is, those “good times” you’re holding on to? They’re not as real as they seem. In fact, they’re a key part of the manipulation keeping you stuck.

In this post, we’re going to break down why the “good times” aren’t all that good, how they keep you emotionally hooked, and how you can start to break free from the toxic cycle. Let’s dig into why the “nice side” of the narcissist isn’t as real as it feels, and why it’s so hard to walk away from the relationship.

Why We Hold On to the “Good Times” with a Narcissist

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, the emotional rollercoaster can be overwhelming. One minute, they’re incredibly charming, making you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. The next, they’re cold, distant, or even cruel. It’s that back-and-forth dynamic that keeps you second-guessing yourself.

Narcissists are master manipulators. They know that if they were consistently nasty, you’d leave. So, they throw in those brief moments of kindness and affection to keep you hanging on. You start to believe that if you could just figure out how to get more of those good moments, everything would be okay.

But here’s the catch—those “good times” aren’t signs that the narcissist is changing. They’re just another part of their control tactic. The narcissist isn’t showing their “true self” when they’re being kind and loving. They’re just pulling you back in so you won’t leave. It’s a strategy to keep you emotionally trapped in the relationship.

Trauma Bonding: The Emotional Trap

One of the main reasons it’s so hard to let go of a narcissistic relationship is something called trauma bonding. It’s basically an emotional addiction that forms from the extreme highs and lows of the relationship. You’re constantly on edge, never knowing if the narcissist is going to be loving or cruel.

During the bad times, you feel anxious, hurt, and desperate for the narcissist to be nice again. Then, when they suddenly flip and start being sweet, you feel a huge sense of relief. It’s like you’ve hit the jackpot after a losing streak, and that relief becomes addictive. You start living for those fleeting moments of affection, even though the rest of the time you’re walking on eggshells.

This constant emotional rollercoaster creates a trauma bond, making it incredibly hard to walk away. The narcissist keeps you guessing, and that unpredictability makes the good times feel even more intense.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

The narcissistic cycle of abuse follows a predictable pattern once you start to recognise it, but it’s hard to see when you’re in the middle of it. Here’s how it usually plays out:

1. Love Bombing: In the beginning, the narcissist is on their best behaviour. They shower you with attention, compliments, and affection. You feel like you’ve found your perfect partner.
2. Devaluation: After a while, things start to change. The narcissist starts criticising you, pulling away, or even becoming mean. You feel confused and start questioning yourself, wondering what you did wrong.
3. Discard: When the narcissist feels they’ve got enough control over you, they may discard you emotionally. This could be through giving you the silent treatment, pushing you away, or even flat-out ignoring you.
4. Hoovering: Just when you think you’ve had enough and are ready to walk away, the narcissist flips the switch. Suddenly, they’re nice again, apologising, promising to change, and pulling you right back in.

This cycle can go on for years, keeping you trapped in a loop of hope and despair. The highs of love bombing and hoovering keep you stuck, believing that the good times can come back. But in reality, they’re just part of the manipulation.

Why We Romanticise the Good Moments

When you’re in a narcissistic relationship, your brain starts to normalise the chaos. You tell yourself that every relationship has ups and downs, that everyone fights, and that maybe you’re just being too sensitive. This is how we rationalise the abuse because it’s easier than admitting that the person you love is manipulating you.

Over time, those rare moments of peace and affection start to feel like the foundation of the relationship, even though they’re really just brief pauses in the storm. You convince yourself that the relationship is worth saving because you’ve seen glimpses of the narcissist’s “good side.”

But here’s the harsh truth: those good moments are not the real relationship. They’re just part of the control. A healthy relationship isn’t defined by occasional moments of kindness; it’s built on consistent love, respect, and emotional safety.

Are the “Good Times” Really That Good?

If you’re honest with yourself, are those “good times” with the narcissist really as good as you remember? When I talk to clients about their relationships, they often describe the good moments in pretty simple terms—going for a nice dinner, watching a movie together, or spending a day without fighting.

But when we dig a little deeper, it usually turns out that even those so-called good times weren’t all that great. Maybe that nice dinner ended in a passive-aggressive comment. Or maybe you spent the entire movie anxious, worried that saying the wrong thing would set them off.

In a healthy relationship, those kinds of activities—dinners, movie nights, and peaceful moments—are the norm. They shouldn’t feel like rare, special occasions. But in a narcissistic relationship, even the most basic acts of kindness start to feel like grand gestures because they’re so rare.

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go

Let’s be real—it’s hard to let go of any relationship, even a toxic one. But when you’re dealing with a narcissist, it feels even harder because of the trauma bond. You’ve been conditioned to associate those brief moments of affection with love, even though the rest of the time you’re stuck in a cycle of emotional abuse.

Narcissists know exactly how to push your buttons. They know when you’re about to leave, and that’s when they turn on the charm. They throw you just enough kindness to make you second-guess your decision, keeping you emotionally hooked.

It’s hard to walk away because you keep thinking, “What if the next time is different? What if they’ve really changed this time?” But here’s the thing—narcissists don’t change. The good times aren’t a sign that they’re becoming a better person. They’re just part of the manipulation.

Conditional Love: The Narcissist’s Weapon

One of the biggest reasons people stay in narcissistic relationships is because they’re chasing the narcissist’s love. But here’s the problem: a narcissist’s love is conditional. It’s based on what you can do for them, not who you are as a person.

In a healthy relationship, love is consistent. It doesn’t come and go depending on whether you’re meeting someone’s needs. But in a narcissistic relationship, love is transactional. The narcissist will only be nice to you when it benefits them. When it doesn’t? They’re back to being cold, distant, or abusive.

This kind of conditional love keeps you stuck, constantly trying to win back the narcissist’s affection. But no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough because the goalposts keep moving.

How to Break Free from the Cycle

Breaking free from a narcissist is hard—there’s no sugar-coating that. But it’s absolutely possible. The first step is recognising that the “good times” you’re holding onto aren’t real. They’re part of the manipulation, not a sign that things are getting better.

Here’s how you can start breaking free:

1. Acknowledge the Reality: Stop romanticising the good moments. They’re not a sign of change—they’re a tactic to keep you hooked. The abuse is real, and it won’t stop.
2. Stop Blaming Yourself: It’s not your fault that the narcissist behaves the way they do. No amount of love or patience on your part will change who they are.
3. Seek Support: Reach out to a therapist, join a support group, or talk to trusted friends and family. You don’t have to go through this alone.
4. Set Boundaries: If you can’t go no contact, start setting firm boundaries. Distance yourself emotionally and physically as much as possible.
5. Focus on Healing: Once you’re out, take time to heal. The emotional scars left by a narcissist run deep, but with time and support, you can recover and rebuild your life.

Final Thoughts: Letting Go of the “Good Times”

The hardest part about leaving a narcissistic relationship is letting go of the fantasy—the idea that if you just tried harder, things would go back to how they were in the beginning. But the reality is that those good times were never real. They were part of the manipulation designed to keep you trapped.