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Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, causes the narcissist to engage in what is known as narcissistic abuse. This type of abuse encompasses emotional abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control and psychological abuse, which are covert forms of domestic violence that make the victim feel crazy. It impacts the mental health of every victim. It can also involve physical abuse. If you have a narcissist in your life then you also have their flying monkeys!
In this podcast, leading expert and specialist trauma-informed counsellor Nova Gibson, offers concise, empowering advice on navigating, escaping, and healing from the narcissist, and their flying monkey's insidious forms of domestic abuse.
Nova’s expertise in identifying behaviours of narcissistic abusers, such as coercive control, gaslighting, and trauma bonding, is invaluable for those in toxic relationships.
Whether the covert narcissist, or overt narcissist is an intimate partner engaging in intimate partner violence, a friend, parent, or colleague, the life-changing insights from Nova and her guests will support your healing journey back to self care and self love, and to address the inevitable ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder).
Nova is director, founder and principle counselor at Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service. She is also the best-selling author of the globally acclaimed 'Fake Love - Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse'. HarperCollins.
Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
5 ways the Narcissist reacts when you reveal they hurt you
5 ways the Narcissist reacts when you reveal they hurt you.
In this episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, we dive deep into a question that so many victims of narcissistic abuse wrestle with: Should you tell the narcissist how they hurt you? While it might feel like confronting the narcissist could bring you closure, clarity, or even an apology, the reality is often far more damaging.
Narcissists thrive on power, control and manipulation, and when you try to explain your feelings, they often turn the situation around, making you feel guilty, ashamed, or even questioning your own reality. In this episode I explore 5 common reactions narcissists have when confronted, including gaslighting, deflection, and blameshifting.
To book an in individual zoom counselling session with me please visit my website below.
www.brighteroutlooknarcissisticabusecounselling.com.au
To order your copy of my best-selling book Fake Love - Understanding and healing from Narcissistic Abuse, please see link below 👇
https://linktr.ee/novagibson
Thankyou so much for listening!
Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.
If you would like to make an appointment for individual counselling with me , please visit my website at ,Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service , or email me at nova.pollard123gmail.com
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Should You Tell the Narcissist They Hurt You?
It’s a natural instinct to tell someone when they’ve hurt you, especially in close relationships. But if you’re dealing with a narcissist, this can backfire in ways you might not expect. Let’s break down why telling a narcissist they’ve hurt you isn’t just unproductive—it can actually make things worse.
What We Expect in Healthy Relationships
In healthy relationships, when you express your feelings, you hope the other person will understand and feel sorry for hurting you. You want an apology, maybe some empathy, and for the behaviour to change, right? Often, when people hurt us unintentionally—due to stress or whatever—they genuinely feel bad and want to fix things. In many cases, even couples therapy or open communication can help repair the damage and rebuild trust.
But here's the catch: when you’re dealing with a narcissist, the usual relationship rules don’t apply.
Counseling and Narcissists
Therapy can be helpful in normal relationships, but with narcissists? It’s a whole different story. Narcissists don’t go to therapy to reflect on themselves or improve the relationship. Nope. They’re there for a different reason: to gather information and weaponise it later. They don’t see therapy as a place to heal or grow, but as an opportunity to learn more about your vulnerabilities.
If you tell a narcissist how much they’ve hurt you during therapy, instead of feeling bad about it, they’ll file that information away for future use. What you see as a heart-to-heart moment becomes their ammunition.
Why Sharing Your Hurt Backfires
So, let’s get into what actually happens when you tell a narcissist they’ve hurt you.
1. They Feel Powerful, Not Guilty
In a normal relationship, the person who hurt you would feel remorse. But with a narcissist, it’s the opposite—they feel powerful. Your pain shows them that they have control over your emotions. They thrive on that. The more upset you are, the more in control they feel. Instead of regretting their actions, they get a little ego boost from knowing they caused you pain.
2. They Justify Their Actions
Rather than acknowledging your pain, narcissists believe you had it coming. In their mind, whatever they did to hurt you was justified, whether it’s because you upset them first or they were just in a bad mood. Instead of apologising, they might even laugh it off or tell you that you’re overreacting.
3. They Remember for Later
This is the really dangerous part. When you share your feelings with a narcissist, they store that information away to use against you later. Telling them where you’re vulnerable is like handing them a roadmap to hurt you again in the future—but even worse this time.
4. They Turn It Around on You
Ever had an argument with a narcissist where you tried to explain how they hurt you, and somehow, by the end of it, you’re the one apologising? That’s called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Narcissists are pros at this. They deny what they did, attack you for bringing it up, and then flip the script to make you the bad guy. Before you know it, you’re apologising for things you didn’t even do!
5. They Feed Off Your Pain
This one is tough to hear. Narcissists are energized by your emotional reactions. When you show them how much they’ve hurt you, it’s like giving them fuel. They thrive on creating chaos and drama because it makes them feel important and powerful. Your pain is their twisted version of validation.
Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation
You might notice that every time you try to express your feelings to a narcissist, they turn the conversation into a confusing mess, leaving you doubting yourself. That’s gaslighting. They’ll twist your words, make you question your reality, and somehow make you feel like you’re the one at fault. Over time, you start to realise it’s easier to just stay quiet, even though that’s exactly what they want.
The Dangers of Writing a Letter
Sometimes people think writing a letter might help, as it lets them get their feelings out on paper. But with a narcissist, this can backfire big time. That heartfelt letter? They’ll use it against you. They’ll either dismiss it, twist your words, or hold onto it for future use in their next manipulation scheme.
Why Disengagement is Key
The harsh truth is that telling a narcissist they’ve hurt you will never lead to the closure or understanding you’re hoping for. Narcissists don’t change because they don’t see their behaviour as the problem—you are. Instead of feeding their need for power by showing them how much they’ve hurt you, the best thing you can do is disengage.
Stop giving them control over your emotions. Focus on building boundaries that protect your well-being. You don’t owe them an explanation or your emotional energy. Save that for people who genuinely care about you and your healing.
Final Thoughts
In a normal relationship, talking about hurt feelings is important for growth and healing. But when it comes to narcissists, it’s just not worth it. They’ll only use your emotions against you, so rather than giving them more power, choose to protect yourself. Setting boundaries, disengaging from their manipulative tactics, and seeking support from those who understand narcissistic abuse is your best strategy.