10 ways the Narcissist gets you to react!

10 ways the Narcissist gets you to react!

In this episode, 10 Ways Narcissists Get You to React, we dive deep into the manipulative tactics narcissists use to push your buttons and get the emotional reaction they crave. From subtle guilt trips to full-blown gaslighting, we unpack the common strategies narcissists use to provoke you, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or even at work. You'll learn how they set up situations to make you feel off-balance, question yourself, or lash out so they can play the victim. If you’ve ever felt like you’re being baited or constantly reacting to someone’s toxic behavior, this episode will give you the tools to respond with calm and confidence.

For Zoom counselling support in your narcissistic abuse recovery available worldwide, please visit my website below. 
 Nova 🌻
 www.brighteroutlooknarcissisticabusecounselling.com.au 
 
 If you found this episode informative, I would absolutely love it if you could rate this podcast, leave a review, and please share, Share, SHARE!  Help to spread awareness around Narcissistic Abuse, so there's more support and justice for survivors!
  Nova xx

You can book an online counseling appointment with me or book me to speak at your event here

You can purchase a copy of my book  ‘Fake Love – Understanding and Healing from narcissistic Abuse’ here

Join me on Facebook here

Join the private Facebook discussion group here

Join me on Instagram here

https://buymeacoffee.com/novagibson

Thankyou so much for listening!
Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.

If you would like to make an appointment for individual counselling with me , please visit my website at ,Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service , or email me at nova.pollard123gmail.com

To order a copy of my book - Fake love please click Here
or simply go directly to Amazon

I looove creating these episodes, but they do take time. If you'd like to support me to continue creating more podcast episodes, then please click here to .Buy me a coffee

Transcript

10 Ways the Narcissist gets You to React!

In this blog, we're diving deep into a topic that affects so many people dealing with narcissistic relationships: the 10 key strategies narcissists use to manipulate and control you. In this episode, Nova Gibson, specialist trauma-informed counsellor and director of Brighter Outlook Counselling, shares her insight into these common tactics. By the end of this post, you’ll have a clearer understanding of how narcissists operate and how to protect yourself from falling into their traps.

The Role of Narcissistic Supply

Before we dive into the strategies themselves, let’s start by understanding the foundation of narcissistic behaviour: narcissistic supply.

What exactly is narcissistic supply?

Well, it's essentially the constant attention, validation, and emotional reactions that narcissists feed off to maintain their inflated sense of self. This supply keeps their grandiose mask in place—a mask they wear to hide their deeply rooted shame and insecurity. Narcissists will go to great lengths to avoid exposing their vulnerable, true self, and your emotional responses are the fuel they need to keep that false image alive.

Why do narcissists need your reactions?

It’s because, in their mind, your reaction—whether positive or negative—validates their existence. If you react to them, it confirms their sense of superiority and control. Without those emotional responses, they feel lost, invalidated, and confused. It’s almost like oxygen for them—without it, their false self starts to crumble. So, the game for them is to get you to react, whether through admiration, fear, anger, or hurt.

Strategy 1: Smear Campaigns

Every narcissist loves a good smear campaign. It’s one of their most destructive and manipulative tactics. Smear campaigns are designed to ruin your reputation, isolate you from others, and ensure that you’re left scrambling to defend yourself.

How does this work?

The narcissist will subtly start planting seeds of doubt about you long before you even realise it. They’ll start making comments to mutual friends, family members, or colleagues like, "She’s been really off lately," or "I’m worried about him; he’s been acting so aggressive." By the time you catch on, they’ve already built up a narrative that paints you as the problem.

Why is this so effective?

Because it forces you to react. You’ll naturally feel the need to defend yourself, explain, and try to set the record straight. But by doing this, you’re giving the narcissist exactly what they want—your emotional reaction, which feeds their need for supply.

Strategy 2: Triangulation

Triangulation is another classic tactic where the narcissist brings a third person into the dynamic to stir up jealousy, rivalry, or insecurity. This could be a friend, a family member, or even a new romantic partner.

What’s the goal here?

To make you feel insecure and to create drama. The narcissist will use this third person to provoke you, causing conflict between you and them while making themselves the centre of attention.

For example, they might say something like, "You know, my friend Julie really understands me in ways you never could," or they’ll start comparing you to someone else, leaving you feeling inadequate. The result? You feel compelled to compete for their attention, which plays directly into their hands, fuelling their narcissistic supply.

Strategy 3: Hoovering

The term “hoovering” is inspired by the idea of sucking someone back into the toxic relationship cycle, much like a vacuum cleaner. Narcissists use hoovering after a breakup or period of silence to pull you back in.

How do they do this?

They’ll make grand promises, show false vulnerability, or use emotional manipulation to lure you back. They might say things like, "I’ve changed," or "I can’t live without you." Sometimes, they’ll even try to make you feel guilty for leaving.

Why is hoovering so effective?

Because it taps into your emotional vulnerabilities. If you’re still healing from the relationship, you might feel tempted to believe their promises and give them another chance. But it’s all part of the manipulation. Once you’re back, the cycle of abuse starts all over again.

Strategy 4: Narcissistic "Honesty" as Manipulation

Now, this one’s sneaky. At first, it seems like the narcissist is being honest and vulnerable, but there’s always a hidden agenda. During the love-bombing phase—or even later when they’re trying to regain your trust—they might confess something seemingly personal. They’ll drop little "seeds of truth" that seem open and vulnerable. For example, they might say, “I cheated on my ex, but I was going through a tough time. It was so out of character for me.”

You might think, "Wow, they’re being honest," and start to trust them more. But this is part of the manipulation. They want you to feel empathy and let your guard down. It’s all about planting confusion for later. You’ll remember their "honesty" and think, "Well, they did admit that, so maybe I should forgive their flaws."

Here’s the catch:

They’re not being genuinely honest. If they truly regretted those past behaviours, they wouldn’t repeat them. Instead, they use this tactic to set you up for future manipulation.

Strategy 5: Blame Shifting and Projection

Blame shifting is when the narcissist flips the script and makes everything your fault. You’ll try to confront them about something hurtful they’ve done, but instead of owning up to their actions, they’ll turn the conversation around. They might say, "That wasn’t me—you were the one who started it," or "You’re always looking for a fight."

This often comes hand-in-hand with projection, where they accuse you of the very things they’re guilty of. For example, if they’ve been cheating, they might accuse you of being untrustworthy. By the end of the conversation, you’re left defending yourself, and they’ve completely dodged accountability.

Why do narcissists do this?

Because your reactions give them the supply they crave. The more you try to defend yourself, the more you feed their ego and control. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves you questioning your own reality.

Strategy 6: Gaslighting to Distort Your Reality

Gaslighting is one of the most insidious and damaging tactics narcissists use. It’s a form of psychological manipulation where they make you doubt your own perception of reality. Over time, this can erode your self-confidence and leave you feeling like you’re losing your mind.

For example, you might confront them about something they said, and they’ll deny it, saying, "I never said that," or "You’re imagining things." They might also accuse you of being too sensitive or overreacting when you express hurt or frustration.

The goal of gaslighting?

To distort your sense of reality so much that you start relying on their version of events instead of trusting your own instincts. It’s about control and keeping you off balance, making it easier for them to manipulate you further.

Strategy 7: Ruining Special Occasions

Have you ever noticed how narcissists have a way of ruining special occasions? Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries—it doesn’t matter. If there’s an opportunity for you to experience joy, the narcissist will find a way to sabotage it.

Why do they do this?

Because special occasions aren’t about them. When the attention is on you, they feel threatened. So, they’ll create drama, show up late, or start an argument just to shift the focus back to them.

For example, let’s say you’re excited about celebrating a big work promotion. But instead of sharing in your excitement, the narcissist picks a fight, making you feel guilty for being happy. It’s a calculated move to keep you from experiencing joy and to remind you that they control your emotions.

Strategy 8: Apathy to Crush Your Spirit

Apathy is another soul-crushing tactic narcissists use to undermine your self-worth. When you need emotional support or validation, the narcissist will respond with cold indifference.

Picture this:

You’ve just achieved something huge, like a promotion at work, and you rush home excited to share the news. But instead of celebrating with you, they barely look up from their phone and say, "Oh, that’s nice. What’s for dinner?"

This apathy extends to moments of sadness as well. If something tragic happens, they’ll dismiss your feelings with comments like, "Well, everyone dies. It’s not a big deal." Their lack of empathy in these moments leaves you feeling insignificant and alone.

Strategy 9: Pretending to Forget Important Events

Early in the relationship, the narcissist seemed to remember every little detail about you—your birthday, your favourite restaurant, your childhood memories. But as time goes on, they’ll start "forgetting" the things that mean the most to you.

Is it an innocent mistake?

Nope. It’s a deliberate move to cause you emotional pain. By pretending to forget your birthday or an important anniversary, they send the message that you don’t matter. And when you call them out on it, they’ll make you feel guilty for being upset, saying, "I didn’t forget on purpose. You’re overreacting."

Here’s the truth:

They know exactly what they’re doing. It’s all part of their manipulation to keep you feeling unimportant.

Strategy 10: Using Flying Monkeys

Finally, we have the flying monkeys—the people the narcissist recruits to do their dirty work. These could be mutual friends, family members, or even co-workers. The narcissist manipulates these people into supporting their narrative and often uses them to maintain control over you indirectly.

How does this work?

Let’s say you’ve gone no contact with the narcissist. They’ll send a flying monkey—a well-meaning friend or relative—to guilt-trip you into re-engaging. They might say something like, "He really misses you. Maybe you should give him another chance," or "She’s been telling everyone how hurt she is. You should reach out."

What’s the goal?

To get you to break no contact and pull you back into the toxic dynamic. Flying monkeys aren’t always aware they’re being used, but their involvement gives the narcissist a way to maintain control over you without directly confronting you.

The JADE Technique: A Powerful Tool for Self-Protection

One of the most powerful tools you can use to protect yourself from narcissistic manipulation is the JADE technique. JADE stands for:

• Justify
• Argue
• Defend
• Explain

When dealing with a narcissist, it’s crucial to avoid engaging in any of these behaviours. Why? Because every time you justify your actions, argue your point, defend your choices, or explain yourself, you’re giving the narcissist more opportunities to manipulate you.

Instead, practice setting clear boundaries and walking away. The less you engage, the less power they have over you. This is easier said than done, especially when the narcissist is someone you care about or have to interact with regularly, but it’s a vital step in regaining control over your life.