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Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, causes the narcissist to engage in what is known as narcissistic abuse. This type of abuse encompasses emotional abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control and psychological abuse, which are covert forms of domestic violence that make the victim feel crazy. It impacts the mental health of every victim. It can also involve physical abuse. If you have a narcissist in your life then you also have their flying monkeys!
In this podcast, leading expert and specialist trauma-informed counsellor Nova Gibson, offers concise, empowering advice on navigating, escaping, and healing from the narcissist, and their flying monkey's insidious forms of domestic abuse.
Nova’s expertise in identifying behaviours of narcissistic abusers, such as coercive control, gaslighting, and trauma bonding, is invaluable for those in toxic relationships.
Whether the covert narcissist, or overt narcissist is an intimate partner engaging in intimate partner violence, a friend, parent, or colleague, the life-changing insights from Nova and her guests will support your healing journey back to self care and self love, and to address the inevitable ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder).
Nova is director, founder and principle counselor at Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service. She is also the best-selling author of the globally acclaimed 'Fake Love - Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse'. HarperCollins.
Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
I left my husband for a narcissist- this is why
I left my husband for a narcissist - this is why.
In this episode, we dive into the complex story of leaving a relationship after being swept off your feet and seduced by someone who knew exactly how to exploit you. We explore how the predatory narcissist can appear as a saviour when you're vulnerable, you’re at a low point, using charm, attentiveness, and validation to pull you in. Yet behind this facade lies manipulation, gaslighting, and control. Join us as we unpack this journey, from the initial excitement to the painful realisations that come with recognising narcissistic abuse. Whether you’re navigating a similar experience or want to understand the toxic dynamics involved, this episode offers real insights into why we’re drawn to narcissists—and how to break free.
For Zoom counselling support in your narcissistic abuse recovery available worldwide, please visit my website below.
Nova 🌻
www.brighteroutlooknarcissisticabusecounselling.com.au
If you found this episode informative, I would absolutely love it if you could rate this podcast, leave a review, and please share, Share, SHARE! Help to spread awareness around Narcissistic Abuse, so there's more support and justice for survivors!
Nova xx
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Thankyou so much for listening!
Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.
If you would like to make an appointment for individual counselling with me , please visit my website at ,Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service , or email me at nova.pollard123gmail.com
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The Guilt Victims Carry After Leaving a Relationship for a Narcissist
Today’s episode dives into the heavy guilt that many victims feel when they leave a relationship or marriage for someone they later discover is a narcissist. This is more common than you might think, and I’m bringing it up because I recently had a conversation with one of my clients who’s going through this exact struggle. Her story isn’t unique—in fact, this scenario shows up in my practice all the time. No names, of course, but her situation reflects what so many people feel.
Let’s talk about why this guilt feels so intense. Often, victims feel manipulated into leaving their previous relationships—some were abusive, and others weren’t, but either way, they were drawn into what they thought was their escape. It’s easy to see why someone would think they’d finally found their "knight in shining armour" after enduring a long period of neglect, lack of affection, or outright abuse. They may believe it’s a reward for putting up with so much pain. So they hold on tight, thinking it’s finally their turn for happiness.
But when the narcissist enters the picture, they see an opportunity. They’re drawn to people in vulnerable situations, those who have been longing for attention and validation. They listen, they’re attentive, and they make victims feel like the most important person in the world. They become that missing piece, the one who seems to understand their pain and meet their needs.
The First Scenario: Leaving an Abusive Relationship for a Narcissist
For some victims, the relationship they left wasn’t good. It was toxic or abusive, maybe not physically, but certainly emotionally or mentally draining. When they’re finally pulled away by a narcissist’s promises of affection, it feels like an escape—a way out of a horrible situation. Yet, guilt creeps in. They think, “Was I wrong to leave? Did I just do to my partner what was done to me?”
This isn’t just about cheating; it’s about survival. Many clients I work with beat themselves up for leaving a marriage or a long-term relationship that was miserable but somehow still felt like a commitment. They feel they’ve done something morally wrong, but here’s the truth: this is not cheating. It’s escaping.
The difference is in the motivation and the trauma background. Unlike the narcissist’s self-serving, manipulative needs, the victim’s actions are rooted in survival and often in years of emotional neglect. I tell my clients it’s about escaping a toxic cycle, not betraying a relationship.
The Other Scenario: Leaving a “Stale” Relationship for a Narcissist
In some cases, the previous relationship wasn’t abusive but had just grown stale. Maybe it was a long-term marriage where both partners drifted apart, where they were like ships passing in the night, coexisting but not connecting. The intimacy had faded, the communication had dwindled, and life’s stresses had taken priority. And that’s when the narcissist swoops in, right when someone feels lonely and unseen.
They know exactly what to say to make you feel like you deserve more, planting subtle suggestions like, “How could they not treat you better?” or, “You’re worth so much more than this.” It’s a powerful trick, and it works—often, the victim leaves their partner, thinking they’re finally stepping into a life where they’ll be cherished.
Then, the switch flips. The narcissist gets bored. The challenge of winning over someone who was committed to another person was thrilling, but now that it’s over, the victim becomes just another “conquest.” The love-bombing fades, the manipulation surfaces, and suddenly, the guilt over leaving their previous partner hits even harder. They think, “How did I let myself fall for this? I left a perfectly decent person for…this?”
Why Narcissists Are So Skilled at Cult-Like Manipulation
Narcissists are masters of control. They use manipulation techniques similar to cult leaders, isolating victims, making them feel dependent, and convincing them that nobody else in their life is good enough. They slowly brainwash their partners into thinking they have nowhere else to turn and that leaving their previous relationship was the only option. And for victims, breaking free from this hold can be just as difficult as escaping an actual cult.
Letting Go of the Guilt
If you find yourself weighed down by guilt after being duped by a narcissist, remember this: it’s not your fault. Narcissists target people who are vulnerable and looking for love or escape. They create an illusion that’s hard to resist and almost impossible to see through until you’re deeply entangled.
So if you’ve left a relationship for a narcissist, know that you’re not alone. Recognise that your choices were influenced by their manipulation and that leaving a toxic situation, whether it was abusive or just unfulfilling, isn’t something to feel ashamed of. The guilt can feel overwhelming, but it’s essential to see the reality behind the manipulation and to understand that leaving isn’t a betrayal—it’s often survival.