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Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, causes the narcissist to engage in what is known as narcissistic abuse. This type of abuse encompasses emotional abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control and psychological abuse, which are covert forms of domestic violence that make the victim feel crazy. It impacts the mental health of every victim. It can also involve physical abuse. If you have a narcissist in your life then you also have their flying monkeys!
In this podcast, leading expert and specialist trauma-informed counsellor Nova Gibson, offers concise, empowering advice on navigating, escaping, and healing from the narcissist, and their flying monkey's insidious forms of domestic abuse.
Nova’s expertise in identifying behaviours of narcissistic abusers, such as coercive control, gaslighting, and trauma bonding, is invaluable for those in toxic relationships.
Whether the covert narcissist, or overt narcissist is an intimate partner engaging in intimate partner violence, a friend, parent, or colleague, the life-changing insights from Nova and her guests will support your healing journey back to self care and self love, and to address the inevitable ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder).
Nova is director, founder and principle counselor at Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service. She is also the best-selling author of the globally acclaimed 'Fake Love - Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse'. HarperCollins.
Fake Love and Flying Monkeys
Scapegoat Child vs Golden Child: How These Toxic Family Roles Impact Adulthood
Scapegoat Child vs Golden Child: How These Toxic Family Roles Impact Adulthood.
In this episode I dive deep into the family roles of the scapegoat child and the golden child—two powerful, often toxic dynamics that can shape a person’s life well into adulthood. If you grew up feeling like the "black sheep" of the family, constantly blamed or criticised, or if you were always the “favoured” one, given praise and special treatment, you may have lived these roles. I look at how these dynamics affect relationships, career paths, self-esteem, and overall mental well-being as an adult.
I break down how the narcissistic parent or dysfunctional family system uses these roles to create control, tension, and division among siblings.
I unpack the psychological impact of these roles, whether you identify with the scapegoat child, the golden child, or somewhere in between.
For Zoom counselling support in your narcissistic abuse recovery available worldwide, please visit my website below.
Nova 🌻
www.brighteroutlooknarcissisticabusecounselling.com.au
If you found this episode informative, I would absolutely love it if you could rate this podcast, leave a review, and please share, Share, SHARE! Help to spread awareness around Narcissistic Abuse, so there's more support and justice for survivors!
Nova xx
You can book an online counseling appointment with me or book me to speak at your event here
You can purchase a copy of my book ‘Fake Love – Understanding and Healing from narcissistic Abuse’ here
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Thankyou so much for listening!
Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.
If you would like to make an appointment for individual counselling with me , please visit my website at ,Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service , or email me at nova.pollard123gmail.com
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How many of you listening today feel you’ve been labelled the scapegoat in your family? If you do, you've probably spent some time researching family dynamics and have come across terms like "toxic behaviours." Maybe you've noticed that a parent or sibling seems to treat you differently, especially compared to other family members.
In many families where narcissistic behaviours are at play, children often find themselves taking on distinct roles. Usually, if there’s more than one child, you’ll see a “scapegoat” child and a “golden child.” Sometimes, there’s also the “invisible child” who gets minimal attention, whether positive or negative, leaving them feeling overlooked. However, it’s the stark contrast between the scapegoat and golden child that tends to reveal the family’s underlying toxic dynamics.
The Role of the Golden Child
The “golden child” is often assigned by a narcissistic parent as their right-hand. This child may share traits with the narcissistic parent and is groomed to reflect positively on the family. They’re expected to shine, to achieve, and to embody whatever makes the narcissistic parent look good to outsiders. Everything must align with the narcissist’s need for their family to appear perfect and functional, where everyone is loving and supportive.
But here’s the twist: for the narcissistic parent, it’s not enough to just have everyone getting along and looking perfect. They also crave control, constant attention, and a steady stream of drama. So, they can’t have all their children in the role of the golden child. They need a scapegoat to fulfil their need for conflict and tension in the family.
Enter the Scapegoat Child
The scapegoat child often represents everything the narcissistic parent dislikes—sometimes simply by being less similar to the parent. They become a dumping ground for all the parent’s negative emotions. Narcissistic parents project their insecurities and shame onto the scapegoat, who, try as they might, can never meet the parent’s ever-shifting standards. No matter how much effort they put in, it’s never enough.
This dynamic forces the scapegoat into a cycle of feeling flawed and inadequate. Imagine being a child who constantly sees a sibling receive “love” while nothing they do earns them the same. They may even start believing something is inherently wrong with them. As they grow up, these children often develop major anxiety and self-esteem issues, sometimes seeking help only to internalise that something must indeed be wrong with them.
Triangulation and Sibling Rivalry
These roles also set up a rivalry between siblings. The golden child, fearing they’ll be relegated to the scapegoat’s painful position, strives to stay in the parent’s favour, often by excelling in the ways the parent demands. Meanwhile, the scapegoat watches their sibling receive the acceptance and “love” they long for, which can lead to deep feelings of inadequacy and resentment.
This toxic setup—often designed by the narcissistic parent—drives a wedge between siblings. Children in these roles rarely grow up with a strong bond, as they’re too busy competing for parental approval. The golden child, who may have only known conditional “love,” often grows up to continue fulfilling the narcissist’s demands, sometimes even repeating the cycle in their own relationships.
Why the Scapegoat May Find Healing
Ironically, the scapegoat child, who’s endured years of being blamed, criticised, and belittled, is often the one who can break free from the narcissistic cycle. They’re more likely to recognise the toxic dynamics and seek help, ultimately working through the trauma and choosing a path toward healing.
In contrast, the golden child, who’s been conditioned to equate their worth with their ability to please the narcissistic parent, may remain dependent on that parent’s approval, even in adulthood. Many golden children, if they don’t break away, risk carrying these behaviours into future relationships, often repeating the pattern and keeping the cycle alive.
Recognising the Abuse and Taking Steps to Heal
If you resonate with the scapegoat role, it’s important to recognise that the anxiety or self-doubt you may experience isn’t a flaw within you; it’s a result of prolonged emotional manipulation and abuse. Healing involves understanding that this treatment wasn’t your fault, processing the pain, and building healthy boundaries to protect yourself going forward.
Many clients I see have been in the scapegoat role and have found themselves in toxic relationships that mirror the dynamics with their parent. If that resonates with you, know there’s help available. If you’d like to chat with me one-on-one, whether you’re nearby or halfway across the globe, you can book a session with me via my website.
By understanding these family dynamics, recognising where they stem from, and working through the trauma, the scapegoat child can break free, heal, and live a life where they no longer feel like they’re to blame for the pain they endured. You’re not alone in this journey, and support is here when you’re ready.