How do you know if it’s Narcissistic Abuse?

How Do You Know If It's Narcissistic Abuse?

In this episode I dive deep into one of the most challenging questions facing victims and survivors of emotional abuse: "How do you know if it’s narcissistic abuse?" Recognising narcissistic abuse can be confusing, especially when manipulative behaviours are masked by charm, seemingly innocent comments, or even grand gestures. Many survivors find themselves questioning their own reality, blaming themselves, or wondering if they’re simply "too sensitive".
Whether you suspect you're experiencing narcissistic abuse or are simply looking to understand these behaviours better, this episode offers invaluable insight and guidance around how to interpret the toxic behaviours of others.

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Transcript

How Do You Know if It’s Narcissistic Abuse?

When you're in a confusing, painful relationship, a common question pops up: "Is this narcissistic abuse, or just a rough patch?" Many people experiencing this kind of toxic relationship find themselves asking whether it's really narcissism or some other form of abuse. This question often brings people into my practice, desperately hoping that maybe this person—a spouse, partner, parent, or even friend—could change. They’re yearning for the person who once made them feel so good, and they’re wondering, "Could they go back to being that person?"

Let’s break down what narcissistic abuse looks like, why it’s so distinct, and how you can recognize the patterns.

Understanding Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse, simply put, is the harm inflicted by someone who displays narcissistic traits. These aren’t just “bad days” or the occasional selfish moment. This type of abuse involves consistent patterns of manipulation, control, and emotional harm, often playing out in a hidden or "covert" way that leaves the victim feeling disoriented, confused, and trapped.

So, how do you know it's narcissistic abuse and not another form of emotional or psychological mistreatment? Usually, the clues emerge as you start researching, often out of sheer desperation. This relationship is exhausting and confusing, and it’s making you question yourself constantly. So you start looking up behaviors—gaslighting, blame-shifting, stonewalling—and soon, the word "narcissist" comes up. You read more, and it all starts to click.

The “Aha!” Moment

During your research, you might come across the DSM-5, which is essentially a "psychology Bible" for diagnosing mental health conditions. It lists nine specific traits that define Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), like:

• A lack of empathy
• Grandiosity
• An exaggerated sense of entitlement
• Exploitative behavior
• A constant need for admiration and validation

If a person displays at least five of these traits, they may fall into the NPD category. But here’s the thing: the DSM-5’s nine traits are just the skeleton of what narcissistic abuse looks like. They’re the “foundation,” like the concrete slab you’d pour before building a house. What’s really telling, though, are the behaviors—the abusive tactics—that narcissists use. Those behaviors tend to repeat across relationships, almost like these people followed the same textbook.

Common Narcissistic Tactics

Narcissists rely on certain “tools” to maintain control and keep you doubting yourself. Some classic strategies include:

• Gaslighting: They make you question your perception of reality. Maybe you’re told, "That never happened," or "You’re imagining things."
• Triangulation: They involve third parties to make you feel insecure or jealous, often making you feel you’re “competing” for their affection or approval.
• Smear Campaigns: When things start to crumble, narcissists often preemptively tell others negative things about you, damaging your reputation to cover their own tracks.
• Projection: They accuse you of the very things they’re doing—lying, cheating, manipulation.

As you research, you’ll probably find that these tactics come up repeatedly, regardless of the narcissist’s relationship with the victim. Whether it’s a parent, a partner, or even a friend, narcissists display these behaviors because it’s all about control and manipulation.

Trusting Your Instincts

One of the biggest roadblocks for people trying to recognize narcissistic abuse is the lack of an official diagnosis. Narcissists don’t believe there’s anything wrong with them, so they’re highly unlikely to seek help or walk into a therapist’s office and say, "I need help with my narcissism." They rarely, if ever, acknowledge their behavior. Instead, it’s you—the victim—who ends up seeking therapy, trying to figure out why you feel so broken down.

Many of my clients say, “Do you think they’re a narcissist, Nova?” While I can’t ethically diagnose someone I haven’t met, I always remind people to trust their own instincts. The fact that you’re even asking this question is often a red flag. You likely wouldn’t be searching if this relationship were healthy.

Patterns and Consistency

A key way to recognize narcissistic abuse is to look at patterns over time. Anyone can have a bad day, but narcissistic abuse is marked by consistent, harmful cycles that repeat again and again. Narcissists rarely reflect on their behavior or feel remorse; they blame others for any problems. Unlike people who have an occasional outburst, narcissists see themselves as blameless and rarely, if ever, own up to their actions.

One thing to remember is this: we don’t tend to research a partner or loved one’s behavior unless it’s toxic. If you’re constantly looking up articles, watching videos, and trying to understand why this relationship feels so draining, that’s a sign something is wrong.

Not Just a Label

People sometimes get hung up on whether or not they can “officially” call this person a narcissist. But at the end of the day, a label is just a term. What really matters is how this person’s behavior is affecting you. If you’re constantly doubting yourself, feeling drained, and experiencing the patterns I’ve mentioned, it’s likely time to evaluate the relationship.

Narcissists thrive on keeping their victims confused and reliant on them, while also breaking down their self-esteem. This behavior isn’t usually just a bad phase. If you leave a narcissist, and they’re genuinely not one, they would seek ongoing therapy to keep you in their life and repair the damage. But if they’re a narcissist, they won’t do this—they’ll likely just move on to another source of attention.

Moving Forward

If you’re still wondering if this person is a narcissist, I encourage you to take a step back and think about how the relationship has affected you. Have they constantly blamed you for things that aren’t your fault? Do you find yourself anxious, confused, and second-guessing your own worth? Are you researching their behavior and feeling like you’re in a maze of manipulation? Trust your instincts. No one deserves to feel abused, no matter the diagnosis.

Leaving a narcissist doesn’t require a formal label; your well-being is the priority. By creating space for yourself, you can get a clearer perspective on the relationship. And if, by some miracle, they are truly committed to change, they’ll do the hard work necessary to heal. But that journey isn’t yours to take on their behalf. Your job is to focus on healing, self-respect, and trusting yourself again.

Final Thoughts on Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is insidious, often flying under the radar because the manipulative tactics are so covert and difficult to explain. People who haven’t experienced it may struggle to understand, which makes finding the right support all the more crucial. Seek out counselors familiar with narcissistic abuse or support groups where people truly understand what you’re going through.

So, how do you know it’s narcissistic abuse? In short: if it feels like your boundaries are being chipped away, if you’re constantly questioning your worth, and if your sense of self is eroding over time, you’re likely experiencing narcissistic abuse. Recognize the patterns, trust your instincts, and remember that you’re the expert on your trauma. You deserve peace, respect, and a relationship where you’re valued, not used as a pawn in someone else’s game.