How do Narcissists use Triangulation to Pit People against each other?

Have you ever found yourself caught in the middle of someone else's drama, unsure how you ended up there? That’s triangulation at play. Narcissists thrive on turning people against each other to maintain power, sow confusion, and deflect attention from their behaviour. Whether it’s in families, friendships, workplaces, or romantic relationships, this tactic can leave victims feeling isolated, confused, and doubting their own perceptions.

In this episode I unpack exactly how narcissists use triangulation to manipulate, breaking down:

The subtle ways they pit people against each other.

How they create competition, jealousy, and mistrust.

The emotional toll triangulation takes on victims and their relationships.

Whether you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent, partner, or colleague, this episode is packed with insights and tools to help you break free from their manipulation.

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Transcript

Understanding Narcissistic Triangulation: A Tool for Manipulation and Control

Have you ever felt caught in the middle of drama you didn’t sign up for? If so, you might have been a victim of narcissistic triangulation, a strategy commonly used by narcissists to pit people against each other, stir up chaos, and keep themselves in control. This blog unpacks the concept of triangulation, offering insights into how it plays out and the havoc it wreaks in relationships, families, and social circles.

What is Narcissistic Triangulation?

Let’s start with the basics. The term “triangulation” is rooted in the idea of a triangle—three sides, three points, and in the narcissist’s game, three players. It involves bringing a third party into a relationship dynamic, often to sow seeds of doubt, insecurity, or conflict.

The narcissist, standing at the top of this twisted triangle, manipulates the two other parties—whether they’re real or imagined—against each other. They love the drama and the attention it generates. And most importantly, it keeps them in control.

Triangulation in Romantic Relationships

A common example of triangulation is in intimate relationships. Imagine this scenario: a narcissistic partner comes home and casually mentions that a colleague has been acting “a bit too friendly” or “sending inappropriate messages.” They might even ask for advice on handling the situation.

Sounds innocent enough, right? Wrong. This is the setup.

By planting this seed, the narcissist achieves multiple goals:

1. They make their partner feel insecure and paranoid.
2. They position themselves as the desired prize caught between two people.
3. They sit back and enjoy the emotional fallout.

Now, here’s the kicker: sometimes, the narcissist fabricates the entire scenario. That flirty colleague? They might not even exist. The goal isn’t truth—it’s control and manipulation.

The Painful Cycle of Triangulation

Triangulation isn’t just about creating insecurity; it’s also about control. When the narcissist is ready to discard one partner, they often use triangulation to ease the transition.

For instance:

• The Old Source of Supply: This is the person the narcissist has emotionally drained and devalued.
• The New Target: Shiny and new, this person is currently being love-bombed, unaware they’re stepping into a cycle of abuse.

The narcissist might tell the new target, “My ex is crazy. They’re obsessed with me and won’t leave me alone.” Meanwhile, the old partner, desperate for closure or answers, might reach out, unknowingly fulfilling the narcissist’s prophecy.

And what does the narcissist get? Sympathy from the new target, attention from the old partner, and a perfect storm of drama.

The Endless Triangle

Here’s where it gets even more twisted. Once the honeymoon phase with the new target fades—and it will—the narcissist flips the script. They might begin to compare the new target unfavourably to the old one:

• “My ex was a better cook.”
• “At least they didn’t nag me like this.”

This comparison crushes the new target’s self-esteem, leaving them desperate to regain the narcissist’s approval. It’s a vicious cycle, one that leaves everyone involved emotionally battered—except the narcissist, who thrives on the chaos they’ve created.

Triangulation Beyond Romantic Relationships

While romantic relationships are a hotbed for triangulation, this toxic tactic isn’t confined to them. Narcissists use it in families, friendships, and workplaces too.

Triangulation in Families

In a narcissistic family dynamic, a parent might pit siblings against each other by creating a Golden Child and a Scapegoat.

• The Golden Child is showered with praise and attention.
• The Scapegoat becomes the family’s emotional punching bag.

This dynamic keeps both children vying for the narcissist’s approval, ensuring the parent remains in control.

Even worse, narcissistic parents might create drama between their partner and children. By positioning themselves as the “calm, reasonable parent” and provoking their partner into reacting emotionally, they manipulate the children into taking their side.

Triangulation in Friendships

Ever had a friend who seems to stir the pot, sharing half-truths or gossip to create conflict? That’s triangulation in action. Narcissistic friends thrive on planting seeds of discord, then sitting back to watch the fallout.

The Emotional Fallout of Triangulation

The impact of triangulation is devastating:

1. Insecurity: Targets of triangulation are often left feeling inadequate and paranoid.
2. Isolation: Relationships with others are strained as the narcissist plays people against each other.
3. Emotional Exhaustion: Constant drama leaves victims drained and confused.

Worst of all, triangulation undermines trust—not just in the narcissist, but in one’s own instincts and in others.

Breaking Free from Triangulation

The good news? Once you recognise triangulation, you can break free from its grip. Here are some steps to protect yourself:

1. Set Boundaries

Don’t let the narcissist draw you into their games. Politely but firmly refuse to engage in discussions about third parties.

2. Focus on Facts

Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. By staying calm and sticking to facts, you deny them the drama they crave.

3. Seek Support

Whether it’s a trusted friend, therapist, or support group, having someone to validate your experiences is crucial.

4. Cut Ties if Possible

In some cases, the best way to protect yourself is to go no contact with the narcissist. This isn’t always easy, especially in family dynamics, but it can be a vital step toward healing.

Final Thoughts

Narcissistic triangulation is a cruel and calculated tool used to control and manipulate. Whether in romantic relationships, families, or friendships, its effects can be deeply damaging. But understanding this toxic tactic is the first step to breaking free.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. The cycle of narcissistic abuse is insidious, but with awareness and support, you can protect yourself and start to heal.

Have you experienced triangulation? Share your story in the comments—your journey could help someone else recognise the signs and take their first step toward freedom.