Is it Narcissism, ADHD, or something else my Abuser has?

Is it Narcissism, ADHD, or something else my Abuser has? 

In this episode I tackle a question many victims of abuse find themselves grappling with: "What’s driving my abuser’s behaviour?" Is it narcissism? Could it be ADHD? Or maybe it’s something else entirely? And does putting a label on it even matter when the abuse keeps happening?

I talk about the differences and similarities between narcissistic traits and other conditions like ADHD, explaining how these behaviours can sometimes overlap. 

I break down why this mindset can be both understandable and harmful. I discuss how abusers often use mental health labels as a shield to deflect accountability, leaving victims confused and trapped in cycles of empathy and forgiveness.

If you found this episode informative, I would absolutely love it if you could rate this podcast, leave a review, and please share, Share, SHARE!  Help to spread awareness around Narcissistic Abuse, so there's more support and justice for survivors!
  Nova xx

You can book an online counseling appointment with me or book me to speak at your event here

You can purchase a copy of my book  ‘Fake Love – Understanding and Healing from narcissistic Abuse’ here

Join me on Facebook here

Join the private Facebook discussion group here

Join me on Instagram here

https://buymeacoffee.com/novagibson

Thankyou so much for listening!
Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.

If you would like to make an appointment for individual counselling with me , please visit my website at ,Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service , or email me at nova.pollard123gmail.com

To order a copy of my book - Fake love please click Here
or simply go directly to Amazon

I looove creating these episodes, but they do take time. If you'd like to support me to continue creating more podcast episodes, then please click here to .Buy me a coffee

Transcript

Is It Narcissism, ADHD, or Something Else? Understanding Toxic Behaviour in Relationships

When people come to me for counselling, one of the most common questions I hear is: "Do you think they’re a narcissist?" It’s often followed by, "Or could it be something else? Maybe ADHD? Bipolar? Something they can’t control?"

These are such relatable questions because when someone you love is hurting you repeatedly, your brain tries to make sense of it. Maybe it’s a disorder, maybe it’s something they don’t mean to do. The hope is that it’s not intentional. But as we’ll explore, understanding what’s behind toxic behaviours is less about the label and more about your experience.

The Search for Answers: Is It Narcissism?

The first thing I tell my clients is: "I don’t diagnose." Diagnosing someone is not only unethical for me as a counsellor, but it’s also often impossible because narcissists rarely seek help. But what I can do is help clients unpack their feelings, experiences, and the patterns they’ve noticed in their relationships.

Here’s the truth: if you’re Googling the behaviours of someone you love, that’s already a huge red flag. People in safe, healthy relationships don’t usually find themselves searching for explanations for their partner’s actions. The fact that you’re researching terms like “narcissism” or “toxic relationship” means you’ve already noticed something isn’t right.

Why Focusing on Labels Can Be Harmful

I know it might sound strange coming from someone who talks about narcissistic abuse all the time, but focusing too much on the label can trip you up. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is just that—a label. It’s a clinical diagnosis based on a set of traits. But here’s the catch:

1. You’re unlikely to get a diagnosis. Narcissists don’t think anything is wrong with them, so they don’t seek help.
2. The label doesn’t change their behaviour. Even if you could prove they’re a narcissist, it won’t magically fix things.

What’s more important is recognising how you feel in the relationship. Are you emotionally safe? Do their behaviours hurt you repeatedly? These are the questions that matter more than whether they “fit” the narcissist label.

How Narcissists Destroy Trust in Your Instincts

One of the most insidious things about narcissistic abuse is how it makes you doubt yourself. Through gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional abuse, the narcissist conditions you to question your own reality. You find yourself turning to them—the very person distorting your reality—for validation.

This constant second-guessing makes it hard to trust your gut. But here’s the truth: you don’t need a diagnosis or label to know when someone is hurting you. If you’re feeling unsafe or confused, that’s all the information you need.

The Hope for a Different Explanation

When clients say, "Maybe it’s ADHD, or bipolar, or something else," they’re often clinging to hope. If it’s a disorder, then maybe it’s not the person’s fault. Maybe they don’t mean to hurt you, and maybe, just maybe, they can change.

Let’s explore some of the most common alternatives people consider:

1. Could It Be ADHD?

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurological condition characterised by impulsivity, hyperactivity, and difficulty regulating attention. Symptoms can include excessive talking, acting without thinking, and restlessness.

It’s easy to see why people might confuse ADHD traits with narcissistic behaviours, especially when it comes to impulsivity. But here’s the key difference:

• ADHD is not malicious. People with ADHD may struggle with certain behaviours, but they’re not intentionally trying to hurt you.
• ADHD doesn’t thrive on control. Narcissists manipulate, gaslight, and abuse with the goal of maintaining power and control.

If someone’s behaviour consistently harms you, it’s important to recognise that—regardless of whether ADHD is involved.

2. Could It Be Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings. These can range from manic episodes (elevated or irritable mood, high energy) to depressive episodes (low energy, hopelessness).

Some clients see the “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” nature of their partner’s behaviour and wonder if bipolar disorder could explain it. And while it’s possible, here are some things to keep in mind:

• Bipolar mood swings typically last days or weeks, not moments. If someone flips from kind to cruel within minutes, it’s likely something else.
• People with bipolar disorder often seek help because their condition impacts their own lives. Narcissists, on the other hand, don’t believe they need help—they’re focused on controlling others.

3. Is It Addiction?

Alcohol or drug abuse is another explanation many clients explore. It’s common to think, "If they just stopped drinking, they’d stop hurting me." But here’s the hard truth: addiction may worsen abusive behaviours, but it doesn’t cause them.

Many people with addictions seek help and change their lives. But if someone’s baseline personality is abusive, those behaviours will return even in sobriety.

Why the Narcissist Loves Excuses

If the person in your life truly has ADHD, bipolar disorder, or addiction issues, they can seek treatment and take steps to change. But narcissists often use these diagnoses as a smokescreen. They might say:

• "I can’t help it—it’s my ADHD."
• "You know I’m bipolar; why are you upset?"
• "It’s the alcohol talking, not me."

These excuses can make you question whether they’re really at fault. But here’s the bottom line: no one has the right to abuse you—regardless of their diagnosis.

Trust Your Instincts: The Red Flags of Toxic Behaviour

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably already noticed some concerning patterns in your relationship. Maybe you’ve Googled phrases like:

• “Why does my partner lie to me?”
• “Why do they blame me for everything?”
• “Signs of narcissistic abuse.”

Those searches are your light bulb moment. They’re your brain’s way of telling you something isn’t right.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Do I feel emotionally safe in this relationship?
2. Does this person’s behaviour consistently hurt me, even after I’ve told them how I feel?
3. Do they change their behaviour only temporarily to pull me back in, before resuming the same toxic patterns?

If the answer to these questions is “yes,” it’s time to trust your gut.

What If It’s Not Narcissism?

Let’s say it’s not narcissism. Let’s say it is ADHD, bipolar disorder, or something else. That still doesn’t change one critical fact: you are being hurt.

Even if the person can’t help their behaviour, it’s not your job to fix them. Your job is to protect yourself and prioritise your emotional safety.

The Takeaway

Whether it’s narcissism or something else, the result is the same: you feel unsafe, confused, and hurt. And that’s not okay.

If you’re not ready to label them as a narcissist, focus on this:

• Do I feel safe?
• Do I feel respected?
• Am I happy in this relationship?

If the answer is no, it’s time to take action. You don’t need a diagnosis to know that you deserve better. Trust yourself. You are the expert in your own experience, and you have the right to live a life free from abuse.

Remember: Whether it’s narcissism, ADHD, or something else, no one has the right to hurt you. Your feelings matter. Trust them.