The Female Narcissist Abuse Strategies

The Female Narcissist Abuse Strategies.

In this episode I talk about the female narcissist and the toxic abuse strategies she uses. Narcissistic abuse is not gender and female narcissists (Mothers,"Friends", Colleagues and Bosses) can be just as destructive as their male counterpart.

Female narcissists and male narcissists share core traits like a lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement, a need for control, and an insatiable need for attention. However, female abusers can often be harder to identify due to societal expectations and stereotypes. The female narcissist knows how to use these stereotypes to her advantage!

If you have a female narcissist in your life or you know someone that does,  then you don't want to miss this episode!

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Transcript

The Female Narcissist Abuse Strategies.

The Misconceptions About Narcissism

The first thing that we need to clear up is how people view narcissism. For most people, unless they’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist and had that “lightbulb moment,” they picture a narcissist as someone who’s loud, arrogant, and basically impossible to miss. You know the type: they love taking selfies, they constantly brag about themselves, and they act like the world revolves around them. Sure, that might be true for some narcissists, but it’s not the whole picture. Many of you might have experienced something a little more insidious—a covert narcissist. These are the sneaky, subtle narcissists who can even appear shy or introverted. You might not see their true nature until you’re already deep into the relationship, and by then, it’s often too late to escape easily.

When we’re talking about narcissistic abuse, a lot of the time, it’s covert, subtle, and emotionally devastating. This is especially true when the narcissist is a woman, because society has a certain image of what a female narcissist is supposed to look like—and it’s usually not what you’re experiencing. So, it’s harder for victims to even recognize the abuse, let alone get the support they need.

Gender and Narcissistic Abuse

One of the main issues in this discussion is the misconception around gender and narcissistic abuse. In society, there's this stereotype that narcissistic abusers are almost always men. This makes it really hard for male victims of narcissistic abuse to come forward because, well, they’re expected to be the “tough guys” who can handle their own. This also creates a lot of difficulties for female victims of narcissistic abuse, particularly when their abuser is another woman.

If you’re a male victim of a female narcissist, you might find it incredibly difficult to seek help because of how society expects men to behave. If you're in a relationship where you’re being emotionally abused by a woman, people might dismiss your experience, thinking that you’re too big, too strong, or simply that you should be able to stand up for yourself. Women, on the other hand, are often seen as weaker or more vulnerable, so when a woman is the abuser, it can be harder to believe.

The same thing applies to same-sex relationships—there’s a belief that when two women or two men are in a relationship, there’s no real power imbalance because they’re considered equals. This dismisses the reality that narcissistic abuse doesn’t care about the genders involved; it’s all about control, manipulation, and emotional destruction. So, victims in these types of relationships might be overlooked or not believed, simply because the abuser doesn’t fit the stereotypical image of what an abuser “should” look like.

The Narcissistic Family Dynamic

Now, many of you might be familiar with the idea that narcissists don’t just pop up out of nowhere. Often, they come from narcissistic families themselves. If you’ve been following my work for a while, you probably already know that narcissistic families tend to have a specific structure. One of the key roles in these families is the Golden Child, who is often elevated and praised, and the Scapegoat, who is blamed for everything that goes wrong.

More often than not, the abuser in these situations will be the Golden Child—the one who was always expected to be perfect, to behave in a way that pleases the narcissistic parent. In many cases, this narcissistic parent is the mother, which means that the female narcissist is often the abuser in these toxic family dynamics. This creates a complicated dynamic when it comes to understanding narcissistic abuse because the victim is often left feeling like they can’t possibly speak out about their experience, given the societal belief that women are meant to be caregivers, not abusers.

The Impact on Victims of Female Narcissists

When it comes to narcissistic abuse, no matter the gender of the abuser, the strategies are always the same. We’re talking about love bombing, devaluation, discarding, smear campaigns, and of course, the classic narcissistic tool: gaslighting. These tactics are universal, but how they play out can vary depending on the gender of the abuser and the social context.

Covert Manipulation: The Subtlety of the Female Narcissist

Let’s focus on some of the ways a female narcissist might use these same abusive strategies, but in ways that are much more subtle and can be easily dismissed by society. One of the classic tactics used by female narcissists is the smear campaign, but it often takes a more passive-aggressive form. For example, a female narcissist might play the role of the “victim” in front of others, making the male or female victim seem like the abuser. This is where the crocodile tears come into play—women are often socially expected to cry, to show vulnerability, and to be emotionally expressive, so when a narcissistic woman plays this part, it’s hard for others to see through the manipulation.

For example, let’s say the female narcissist is in a relationship where she’s emotionally and financially abusing her partner. She might overspend, rack up debt, and make the victim feel like they’re the one who’s responsible for her actions. If the victim tries to stand up for themselves, the female narcissist might turn on the tears, claiming that they’re not being supportive enough or that they don’t care about her well-being. This makes it incredibly hard for the victim to defend themselves, because society will often rally behind a woman who is “struggling” or “under duress.”

Financial Abuse: A Narcissistic Tactic

One area where female narcissists often differ from their male counterparts is in the realm of financial abuse. If the female is the primary spender in the relationship, she might exhaust the household’s finances without the victim even realizing it. Often, the male victim will be so consumed with providing for the family that he doesn’t notice the small, repeated purchases, or the increasing credit card bills. When the victim does realize, it’s too late—the debt has already piled up, and the female narcissist will often blame the victim for not being “more involved” in financial matters.

This kind of abuse is not only damaging to the finances but also to the victim’s self-esteem. The narcissist will make the victim feel guilty for not catching the signs sooner, while simultaneously hiding the true extent of their own financial recklessness.

The Female Narcissist and Physical Intimidation

Another important factor is how a female narcissist might use physical intimidation to control their victim. While it’s less common for women to be physically abusive in the traditional sense, a narcissistic woman may resort to pushing boundaries and provoking her partner until they react. This could involve provoking a confrontation, and once the victim finally snaps or defends themselves, the female narcissist will use it as ammunition to manipulate the situation further.

For example, she might physically provoke the male victim by slapping him lightly or pushing him, and then fall dramatically to the ground, claiming that he’s the aggressor. This situation can leave the victim feeling absolutely confused and guilty, even if they were only defending themselves.

The Power of Projection

Like all narcissists, female narcissists are expert projectors. They will project their own flaws, insecurities, and abusive behaviors onto their victims. For instance, if they are cheating or engaging in betrayal, they will accuse their partner of the very same thing. This projection not only confuses the victim but also allows the female narcissist to play the victim in the eyes of others, who might believe her version of the story without question.

If a female narcissist cheats, for example, she will likely frame it as a response to being emotionally neglected by her partner. “He never understood me,” she’ll say, “I was just looking for someone who made me feel valued.” This allows her to shift the blame entirely onto the victim and manipulate everyone around her into feeling sympathy for her while disregarding the fact that her behavior is completely unacceptable.

Society’s Response to Female Narcissists

Society has an interesting way of responding to female narcissists. Because women are socially conditioned to be nurturing, empathetic, and caregiving, it’s often harder for people to see them as abusers. The empathy that the female narcissist manipulates so well is often used against the victim, making it hard for others to believe that a woman could be capable of such manipulation.

So, what does this all mean for the victim? It means that the female narcissist can often get away with far more than her male counterpart, simply because of the way society views women and abuse. It’s easier for a woman to pull on people’s heartstrings, to manipulate others into thinking that she’s the one who’s been hurt, especially when her partner is a man.

Final Thoughts

When it comes to narcissistic abuse, the gender of the abuser doesn’t really change the core of the abuse itself. The emotional manipulation, the control, and the gaslighting, are the same.