Your first Christmas No Contact with the Narcissist.

Your first Christmas No Contact with the Narcissist. 

In this episode we dive deep into the emotional rollercoaster of going no contact with a narcissistic family or partner for the first time during Christmas. The first Christmas of no contact can produce a myriad of emotions from sadness to anger to relief and peace. 

You might be feeling torn perhaps, wondering if you've made the right choice around no-contact and battling feelings of guilt. Maybe you have others (Flying Monkeys) telling you to "be the bigger person", making you feel obligated to attend to keep everyone else happy.  There might even be feelings of loneliness as you think of others celebrating, while you're left questioning what "family" really means.

But this isn’t just about surviving this Christmas —it's about reclaiming your peace and setting boundaries that protect you. 

Listen to this episode to understand the situations that typically take place to get you to break no contact,  that your feelings are valid, and the importance of maintaining rock solid boundaries. 

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  Nova xx

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Transcript

Your First Christmas After Going No Contact with a Narcissist

The holidays are here again, bringing with them the twinkling lights, festive music, and endless talk of family togetherness. But what happens when you’ve made the brave decision to go no contact with a narcissistic family member? For many, Christmas can stir up a mix of emotions—relief, sadness, anger, and even guilt. It’s completely normal to feel conflicted during this time, especially if it’s your first Christmas navigating these new boundaries. Let’s explore what you might be feeling and how to get through the holiday season with your peace intact.

Why Christmas Can Be Especially Tough

The holidays are often portrayed as the ultimate family celebration. Movies, ads, and social media all paint a picture of happy families gathering around a tree, sharing meals, and making memories. If you’ve gone no contact, this narrative can make you feel like you’re missing out or doing something wrong. After all, isn’t Christmas about forgiveness and togetherness?

But here’s the thing: you didn’t go no contact lightly. You made this decision to protect yourself from emotional harm. Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean you have to let down those boundaries. In fact, maintaining them is an act of self-care.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Going No Contact

Relief: The Gift of Peace

For many, the first emotion after going no contact is relief. Maybe this is the first holiday season in years where you don’t have to walk on eggshells or deal with the narcissist’s manipulative behaviour. You’re finally free to celebrate in a way that feels good to you.

Sadness: Mourning What Could Have Been

At the same time, there’s often sadness. Even if you know the relationship was toxic, it’s hard not to wish things were different. You might find yourself longing for a version of the narcissist that doesn’t exist—someone who could genuinely apologise, take accountability, and share a healthy relationship with you. It’s okay to grieve this loss.

Anger: Facing the Injustice

Then there’s the anger. You might feel frustrated that the narcissist’s actions have forced you into this position. Maybe you’re angry at other family members who seem to be siding with them or refusing to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused. Remember, your anger is valid. It’s a sign that your boundaries were crossed and that you’re standing up for yourself.

Narcissists and Holiday Drama

If you’ve dealt with a narcissist during the holidays, you know they thrive on this time of year. It’s a golden opportunity for them to stir up drama, manipulate others, and soak up attention. Even if you’re no longer in contact, they might still find ways to get under your skin.

Common Narcissistic Tactics at Christmas

• Guilt Trips: You might hear from “flying monkeys” (people the narcissist uses to do their bidding) saying things like, “Everyone’s going to miss you at Christmas dinner” or “You’re breaking your mother’s heart.”
• Pressure to Reconcile: Expect comments like, “It’s Christmas! Can’t you just forgive and forget?” These statements are designed to make you doubt your boundaries.
• Silent Treatment: On the flip side, the narcissist might completely ignore you, hoping the silence will make you feel guilty or provoke you into reaching out.

Recognising these tactics can help you stay grounded. Their behaviour is about maintaining control, not about genuine reconciliation or love.

Dealing with the Pain of Missing Out

Let’s talk about FOMO—fear of missing out. It’s natural to imagine your family gathered without you, laughing, exchanging gifts, and carrying on traditions. Even if you know the reality probably includes tension and drama, the idea of being left out can sting.

The cultural pressure to prioritise family during the holidays doesn’t help. You might feel like you’re going against the grain by choosing distance over togetherness. But remember: the “perfect family Christmas” is often an illusion. Your decision to step away is about prioritising your mental health, not about rejecting love or connection.

Grieving the Loss of Holiday Traditions

When you go no contact, you’re not just losing a person; you’re also stepping away from the traditions tied to them. Maybe Christmas lunch at the narcissist’s house has been a family staple for years. Even if those gatherings were fraught with tension, they might still hold some nostalgic value.

It’s okay to grieve the loss of those traditions. Acknowledge the good memories while also recognising the harm. And remember, this is an opportunity to create new traditions that align with your values and bring you genuine joy.

Coping with Isolation and Betrayal

One of the hardest parts of going no contact is feeling isolated. If other family members continue to enable the narcissist or attend their gatherings, it can feel like a betrayal. You might wonder why they don’t see your side or why they’re choosing the path of least resistance.

It’s important to remember that their choices are not a reflection of your worth. People often enable narcissists because it’s easier than confronting the truth. Their decision to stay in the narcissist’s orbit doesn’t invalidate your experience or your boundaries.

Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds

If you’re struggling with feelings of guilt or obligation, trauma bonds might be at play. Narcissistic relationships often involve cycles of idealisation, devaluation, and discard, which create a strong emotional attachment. Over time, you may have been conditioned to prioritise the narcissist’s needs and emotions over your own.

Breaking these bonds takes time. Be patient with yourself as you unlearn these patterns and start putting your well-being first. Remember, choosing to stay no contact is not about punishment; it’s about self-preservation.

Practical Tips for a Peaceful Holiday

Here are some ways to make your first Christmas without the narcissist as peaceful and fulfilling as possible:

1. Set Boundaries with Others: Let flying monkeys know you won’t be discussing your decision. A simple, “I’m not comfortable talking about that” can go a long way.
2. Create New Traditions: Start fresh by creating holiday rituals that bring you joy—whether it’s baking cookies, volunteering, or spending the day binge-watching your favourite shows.
3. Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions. Journal about your feelings, talk to a trusted friend, or seek support from a therapist.
4. Focus on Gratitude: Shift your focus to the positive aspects of your life. What brings you joy? What are you grateful for this year?
5. Connect with Like-Minded People: If you feel isolated, reach out to others who understand. Online support groups for people dealing with narcissistic abuse can be a great resource.
6. Plan Ahead: If you know the narcissist or their enablers might reach out, prepare your responses in advance. Decide whether you’ll engage at all or stick to your boundaries.

It’s Okay to Feel Mixed Emotions

Your first Christmas after going no contact is bound to be an emotional experience. But remember, your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or even second-guess your decision. The important thing is to stay true to yourself and prioritise your well-being.

By holding firm to your boundaries, you’re giving yourself the greatest gift of all: peace. And that’s something no one can take away from you.

How are you planning to spend your first Christmas after going no contact? Let us know in the comments—we’re here to support you.