How do You Set Boundaries After Narcissistic Abuse?

How do You Set Boundaries After Narcissistic Abuse?

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “How can I start setting boundaries after everything I’ve been through?” this episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys is exactly what you need. Boundaries are essential for healing after narcissistic abuse, but they can feel like unfamiliar territory when you’ve spent so much time walking on eggshells or putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own.

In today’s episode, we’ll break down what boundaries really are (hint: they’re not about being selfish, despite what a narcissist might say!) and why they’re critical for your recovery. We’ll talk about the common struggles survivors face when setting boundaries, like fear of conflict, guilt, or not knowing where to start.

I’ll share actionable tips for creating healthy boundaries—whether it’s with a narcissistic ex, a toxic family member, or even in new relationships—and how to stick to them without backing down. We’ll also discuss how to handle the inevitable pushback from a narcissist and why their reaction doesn’t define your worth.

If you’re ready to take your power back, protect your peace, and finally put yourself first, this episode is your guide. Let’s dive into the “how” of setting boundaries and start building the life you deserve.


If you found this episode informative, I would absolutely love it if you could rate this podcast, leave a review, and please share, Share, SHARE!  Help to spread awareness around Narcissistic Abuse, so there's more support and justice for survivors!
  Nova xx

You can book an online counseling appointment with me or book me to speak at your event here

You can purchase a copy of my book  ‘Fake Love – Understanding and Healing from narcissistic Abuse’ here

Join me on Facebook here

Join the private Facebook discussion group here

Join me on Instagram here

https://buymeacoffee.com/novagibson

Thankyou so much for listening!
Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.

If you would like to make an appointment for individual counselling with me , please visit my website at ,Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service , or email me at nova.pollard123gmail.com

To order a copy of my book - Fake love please click Here
or simply go directly to Amazon

I looove creating these episodes, but they do take time. If you'd like to support me to continue creating more podcast episodes, then please click here to .Buy me a coffee

Transcript

Setting Boundaries After Narcissistic Abuse

If you’ve experienced or are still enduring a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, whether it’s a parent, an intimate partner, or someone else, you may have realised that you weren’t allowed to have boundaries. Narcissistic abuse thrives on the gradual erosion of boundaries because boundaries prevent control, manipulation, and domination. Over time, your ability to stand up for yourself, make decisions, or even acknowledge your own needs was systematically dismantled.

Understanding the Loss of Boundaries

Narcissists don’t respect boundaries—they see them as obstacles to their agenda. Whether it was through guilt-tripping, relentless arguments, or subtle psychological tactics, your boundaries were stripped away without you even noticing. It’s common to look back and question how you ended up in a place where your needs and sense of self disappeared.

This insidious erosion leads to a state where defending yourself feels impossible. Many victims find themselves struggling with the concept of boundaries altogether. I often hear from clients in recovery: "What even are my boundaries, Nova? I don’t know where to start." This panic is a normal response after years of having your boundaries repeatedly ignored and dismissed.

Why Boundaries Are Critical

In healthy relationships, boundaries are the foundation of mutual respect. They help us communicate our needs and protect our emotional well-being. For victims of narcissistic abuse, however, boundaries were treated as selfishness or personal attacks. When you tried to establish even the smallest boundary, the narcissist would retaliate, testing your limits until the boundary collapsed under the pressure. Over time, it became easier to give in than to fight the constant pushback.

Re-establishing your boundaries after narcissistic abuse is essential. Boundaries are more than just rules; they are tools of self-care and self-respect. Without them, it’s impossible to rebuild the self-worth and confidence that narcissistic abuse eroded.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are simple, yet powerful. They are personal guidelines that define how you expect to be treated. For example:

• Saying “no” without providing lengthy explanations.
• Setting rules about who can visit your home and when.
• Deciding how often, or if, you will contact toxic family members.

In healthy relationships, these boundaries are respected without question. However, a narcissist views boundaries as challenges to be overcome or ignored. The key difference between setting boundaries and the manipulative tactics of a narcissist lies in intention. Boundaries come from a place of self-care, while narcissistic behaviours stem from selfishness and a desire for control.

The Emotional Struggle of Setting Boundaries

After narcissistic abuse, setting boundaries often feels uncomfortable or even wrong. You might feel guilty or selfish for asserting your needs, a response conditioned by years of manipulation. Narcissists often train their victims to associate boundaries with selfishness, making the act of self-care feel unnatural.

When these feelings of guilt or shame arise, remind yourself: boundaries are not about hurting others; they are about protecting yourself. Writing down your boundaries can help make them tangible. Ask yourself: How do I want to be treated? Then, create a list of simple rules that align with your values and make you feel respected.

Examples of boundaries might include:

• Refusing to lend your belongings to someone who doesn’t respect them.
• Declining invitations or requests without overexplaining.
• Limiting or ending contact with toxic individuals who bait or gaslight you.

By writing these down, you begin to define the guidelines that will protect your mental and emotional well-being.

Boundaries Weed Out Toxic People

One of the most empowering aspects of setting boundaries is how they naturally filter out toxic individuals. People who truly care about you won’t push back against your boundaries—they’ll respect them. On the other hand, toxic individuals, like narcissists, will test your limits. They may use guilt, flattery, or anger to manipulate you into lowering your boundaries. Recognising these behaviours is a crucial step in maintaining your boundaries.

For example, imagine you’ve just started dating someone. You tell them you’re not ready to discuss your past relationships, but they persist, making you feel guilty or calling you “closed off.” This is a red flag. A respectful person would acknowledge your boundary without pressure or judgment.

Another example: you’ve told someone you’ll call them later, but they show up at your doorstep unannounced. While this might seem flattering at first, it’s a sign of disrespect for your boundary. A healthy response would have been to wait for your call as agreed.

Dealing with the Guilt

At first, setting boundaries may feel awful. You might worry about being perceived as rude or selfish. These feelings are a normal part of the healing process and reflect the conditioning you experienced during the abuse. Over time, as you practise maintaining your boundaries, the guilt will fade, replaced by a sense of peace and empowerment.

When these uncomfortable feelings arise, try journaling or speaking with a therapist. Processing these emotions helps you challenge the irrational guilt that your abuser instilled in you. Each time you enforce a boundary despite the discomfort, you strengthen your ability to prioritise your well-being.

Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries

1. Start Small: Practise with low-stakes scenarios. For instance, say “no” to a neighbour asking to borrow your car if you don’t feel comfortable. Pay attention to the feelings that arise and remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritise your needs.
2. Be Consistent: Once you’ve set a boundary, stick to it. If someone pushes back, reaffirm your boundary without giving in. For example, if you’ve decided to limit contact with a toxic parent, resist the urge to engage if they guilt you into breaking your rule.
3. Prepare for Pushback: Toxic individuals will often test your boundaries, especially if they’re not used to you asserting them. Expect resistance and stand firm. Remember, their reaction is not a reflection of you but of their inability to respect your limits.
4. Use Assertive Communication: When communicating a boundary, be clear and concise. For example, say, “I’m not comfortable discussing that topic,” or, “I need time for myself this weekend.” Avoid overexplaining or justifying your decision.
5. Seek Support: Setting boundaries can feel daunting, especially in the early stages of recovery. Lean on supportive friends, family, or a therapist who understands your journey. They can offer encouragement and help you stay accountable.

Reclaiming Your Self-Worth

Boundaries are about more than protecting yourself—they’re about reclaiming your sense of self. After narcissistic abuse, it’s easy to feel like your worth is tied to how much you can give or how well you can appease others. Boundaries remind you that your needs and feelings matter. They are a powerful tool for rebuilding the self-esteem and confidence that were stripped away.

As you practise setting and maintaining boundaries, you’ll notice a shift in how you feel and how others treat you. Toxic people will fall away, while those who respect you will step up. Over time, you’ll find comfort in the knowledge that boundaries are not about being selfish—they’re about valuing yourself enough to demand the respect and care you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse is a process that takes practice and patience. Start small, remain consistent, and don’t let the initial feelings of guilt deter you. Remember, boundaries are about protecting your well-being, not about punishing others. With time, you’ll find that asserting your needs becomes second nature, and the relationships in your life will reflect the respect and care you’ve always deserved.

Let me know if you’d like adjustments or specific additions!

4o

You said:

expand blog to at least 1500 words keeping casual tone of host. Use stand out seo words

ChatGPT said:

ChatGPT

Setting Boundaries After Narcissistic Abuse

Boundaries are essential for rebuilding your sense of self after experiencing narcissistic abuse. Today, we’ll explore why boundaries are so difficult to establish post-abuse and how you can start reclaiming your voice, self-worth, and freedom.

Why Narcissistic Abuse Destroys Boundaries

When you were in a relationship with a narcissist—whether they were a parent, partner, or even a colleague—boundaries were not allowed. Narcissists thrive on control and manipulation. Boundaries, by their very nature, interfere with their ability to dominate you.

During the relationship, your boundaries were eroded so subtly and insidiously that you might not have even noticed it happening. One day you woke up and realised you had no capacity to defend yourself, express your needs, or make decisions for your own well-being.

This slow dismantling of your personality allowed the narcissist to reshape you into someone easier to exploit. Strong boundaries would have made it impossible for them to control you—and that’s why they worked so hard to tear them down.

Feeling Lost Without Boundaries

After narcissistic abuse, it’s common to feel panic or confusion when someone asks, “What are your boundaries?” You might not even know anymore. Many of my clients express fear and uncertainty because they’ve been conditioned to believe that setting boundaries is selfish.

In reality, boundaries are a normal, healthy part of any relationship. They’re not about being difficult or selfish—they’re about self-care and respect.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the personal rules and guidelines that you live by to protect yourself and your well-being. Healthy people take boundaries for granted, but when you’ve been in a toxic relationship, boundaries are seen as something to destroy.

Here are some examples of boundaries:

• Saying No: Being able to decline an invitation or request without guilt or explanation.
• Expecting Respect: Requiring visitors to call before coming over or asking them to take their shoes off before entering your home.
• Limiting Contact: Deciding not to call a toxic parent weekly if you know it will only bring negativity and stress.

Boundaries are not about punishing others. They’re about protecting your energy, time, and emotional health.

The Narcissist’s Reaction to Boundaries

When you tried to assert even the smallest boundary in a narcissistic relationship, the reaction was likely swift and punishing. Narcissists see boundaries as a threat to their control, and they’ll do everything they can to break them down.

They may:

• Accuse you of being selfish.
• Guilt-trip you into changing your mind.
• Push, prod, and test your limits until you give in out of sheer exhaustion.

Over time, this constant pressure teaches you to abandon your boundaries altogether.

The Key Difference Between Boundaries and Narcissistic Behaviour

A narcissist might try to twist your boundaries into something selfish or manipulative, but here’s the key difference:

• Your Boundaries: Are rooted in self-care and respect for yourself and others.
• Their Demands: Are rooted in selfishness, control, and their own ego.

Healthy people will respect your boundaries without question. Toxic people will push, test, and guilt you into lowering them.

How to Begin Setting Boundaries

If you’re ready to reclaim your power and establish boundaries after narcissistic abuse, here’s how to start:

1. Write Down Your Boundaries

Writing makes your thoughts tangible and easier to process. Create a list of ways you want to be treated and the rules you need to feel respected. Examples might include:

• “I will no longer explain myself when I say no.”
• “I will only allow visitors who call ahead.”
• “I will not engage with toxic family members unless absolutely necessary.”

2. Recognise Your Guilt

It’s normal to feel guilty when you first start asserting boundaries. After all, you’ve been conditioned to believe that your needs are selfish.

Instead of giving in to the guilt, take time to reflect on why it’s there. Journal about your feelings or talk to a therapist to process these emotions.

3. Stick to Your Boundaries

When someone tests your boundaries—and they will—stand firm. Toxic people often disguise their manipulation as care or concern. For example, a narcissist might show up unannounced with flowers, claiming they just wanted to see you. While it might seem flattering, it’s a red flag that they don’t respect your limits.

Recognising Healthy vs. Toxic Reactions

Healthy people will accept your boundaries without hesitation. They’ll respect your need for space and won’t push you to explain or justify yourself.

Toxic individuals, on the other hand, will:

• Make you feel guilty for saying no.
• Act offended or hurt by your boundaries.
• Use manipulation to get their way.

When you encounter resistance, remind yourself that the people who test your boundaries are the ones you need them for the most.

Practical Exercises for Strengthening Boundaries

Start Small

Practice saying no to minor requests, like lending a neighbour your car or helping with a task you don’t have time for. Notice how it feels to assert yourself and work through any discomfort.

Role-Play Scenarios

Think about situations where your boundaries were tested in the past. Practice how you would respond differently now. For example, if someone asks about your personal life on a first date, rehearse saying, “I’d rather not discuss that yet.”

Celebrate Your Wins

Each time you hold firm to a boundary, acknowledge your progress. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, it will become second nature.

The Long-Term Benefits of Boundaries

Setting boundaries isn’t just about keeping toxic people at arm’s length—it’s about reclaiming your self-worth and living authentically.

When you establish boundaries, you:

• Protect Your Peace: You no longer have to tolerate disrespect or manipulation.
• Attract Healthy Relationships: People who respect your boundaries are the ones worth keeping in your life.
• Build Self-Confidence: Every time you assert a boundary, you reinforce your own value and strength.

Boundaries Are Your Guiding Light

After narcissistic abuse, boundaries become your guiding light. They help you navigate relationships, protect your energy, and rebuild your sense of self.

Remember, boundaries are about you—not anyone else. They’re not about revenge or hurting others. They’re about living in a way that honours your needs, values, and well-being.

At first, setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable or even selfish, but with practice, it will become one of the most empowering things you do for yourself. Hold firm, trust your instincts, and know that you deserve to live a life where your boundaries are respected and your worth is recognised.

This is your journey to freedom and self-care. Take it one step at a time, and remember—you are worth it.