Narcissistic Abuse: How to Spot the Red Flags You Missed

The first step to healing from Narcissistic Abuse is recognising the red flags you missed.

Have you ever looked back on a toxic relationship and wondered, "How did I not see this coming?" You're not alone. Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and their conditioning keeps you second-guessing yourself at every turn. In this episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, we’re unpacking why you missed the red flags—and why it’s not your fault.

Narcissists don’t just walk into your life and show their true colours. They carefully groom you through love-bombing, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation. Over time, they condition you to accept their behaviour, making it harder to recognise the abuse. They twist reality, making you doubt your instincts, and by the time you start seeing the truth, you’re already deeply enmeshed.

We’ll break down how this conditioning works, why smart and self-aware people still fall for it, and how you can start recognising these patterns before they take hold. Whether you’re recovering from narcissistic abuse or trying to spot toxic behaviours early, this episode will give you the validation and insight you need.

If you found this episode informative, I would absolutely love it if you could rate this podcast, leave a review, and please share, Share, SHARE! Help spread awareness about Narcissistic Abuse, so there's more support and justice for survivors! Don’t forget to buy my book, Fake Love, for more insights and concrete strategies to heal and/or escape your toxic relationship.

Nova xx

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Please remember the information you hear in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy, is general information, and strictly the opinions of the host based on her years of experience working with thousands of victims of narcissistic abuse.

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Transcript

Why did you Miss the Red Flags? - Understanding Narcissistic Conditioning

Hindsight is 20/20: Recognising the Red Flags of Narcissistic Abuse

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? When you look back, everything becomes glaringly obvious—the red flags you missed, the signs you ignored, and the gut feelings you suppressed. But let’s take a moment to acknowledge something important: those red flags weren’t always red. In the beginning, you were conditioned to see them as something else—maybe even as positives.

If you’re asking yourself, Why didn’t I see this sooner? Why did I stay so long? How could I be so stupid?—stop right there. You are NOT stupid. Narcissistic abuse isn’t about intelligence or strength. It’s about a slow, calculated process designed to dismantle who you are and make you doubt your own instincts.

Let’s break down some of the most common red flags that, in hindsight, were screaming at you—but at the time, felt like something completely different.

1. Talking Constantly About Their Ex

In the beginning, they either:

• Talked about their ex all the time, whether positively or negatively.
• Insisted they had a “great relationship” with their ex, despite your gut telling you something was off.

At the time, you may have brushed it off. Maybe they just had unfinished emotional business. Maybe they were just “good friends.” Later, you find out they were still involved with their ex the entire time, or they projected their own cheating behaviours onto their ex.

Your instincts were right. It wasn’t normal.

2. Love-Bombing: Too Good to Be True

You look back now and see that they were too perfect, too intense, too soon. But back then, it felt amazing. They made you feel like the most special person in the world. You were on cloud nine.

The truth? They were manufacturing a fairy tale to hook you before the mask slipped. They needed you to be addicted to the high before they started the slow process of devaluation.

3. Moving at Lightning Speed

You now know that moving fast is textbook narcissist behaviour. But at the time? It felt exhilarating.

• They pushed for commitment quickly—maybe they moved in within weeks, proposed too soon, or pressured you into exclusivity before you were ready.
• They kept you in a constant whirlwind of emotions so you never had time to think.

Back then, you thought Wow, they’re just so into me. Now you see they needed to trap you before you saw the truth.

4. Excessive Interest in Your Life (Disguised as Care)

At first, their intense focus on you felt flattering.

• They wanted to help you pick out clothes.
• They wanted to know who you were talking to.
• They seemed so invested in your life.

It felt like love, but it was control. Later, you realised they were monitoring and micromanaging you. And when you tried to reclaim your independence? You were punished.

5. Playing the Victim

Every narcissist plays the victim. They weaponise your empathy to excuse their behaviour.

• I act this way because I had a rough childhood.
• I have [insert mental illness], so you need to be patient with me.
• My ex was a nightmare, you’re the only one who understands me.

They used their “suffering” to make you feel responsible for their healing. But in reality, it was just another way to trap you in the cycle.

6. Testing Your Boundaries

Looking back, you now see how they tested your boundaries early on. But at the time, it felt like romance.

• You told them you wanted to take things slow. They showed up at your house the next day.
• You asked for space, but they flooded you with texts.
• They pressured you into physical intimacy sooner than you were ready.

You thought it was passion. Now you see it was control.

7. The Parent Who Ruined Every Special Event

If the narcissist in your life was a parent, you may now realise that they had a pattern of making every major milestone about them.

• They ruined your birthday, your graduation, or your wedding.
• They always found a way to steal the spotlight or create chaos.
• They played the victim when you tried to set boundaries.

At the time, you convinced yourself Maybe they didn’t mean it. Maybe they just don’t know how to be happy for me. Now, you understand they needed to sabotage your joy.

8. The Slow, Subtle Control

In the beginning, their control was disguised as concern.

• I just care about you—I want to know where you are at all times.
• I don’t like you hanging out with that friend. They’re a bad influence.
• I think you’d look better if you dressed a certain way.

At first, it felt like love. Later, you realised you were walking on eggshells, unable to make any decisions without their approval.

9. The Cycle of Idealisation and Devaluation

One day, they adored you. The next, they acted like you were worthless.

• They would be affectionate and sweet—then cold and distant.
• They built you up—then tore you down.
• They praised you in public—but criticised you in private.

Back then, you kept trying to “fix” things. Now, you see it was a manipulation tactic to keep you constantly seeking their approval.

10. Gaslighting: Making You Doubt Yourself

When you brought up concerns, they flipped the script:

• You’re being paranoid.
• You’re imagining things.
• You’re too sensitive.

They made you question reality. Now, you understand it was psychological warfare designed to keep you under their control.

The Takeaway: You Weren’t Stupid—You Were Manipulated

It’s easy to look back and feel regret. To wish you had left sooner. To berate yourself for missing the signs.

But let’s be clear: those “signs” weren’t obvious at the time. They were wrapped up in charm, love-bombing, and subtle conditioning. You weren’t naive—you were targeted.

Now, you know better. Now, you see the patterns. And most importantly? Now, you have the power to protect yourself in the future.

If this resonated with you and you need support, I offer one-on-one counselling sessions via Zoom. You don’t have to go through this alone. You can find the link to my website in the description. Stay strong—you are not alone.