5 Mind Games Covert Narcissists Play

Covert narcissists are experts at mind games, hiding behind a facade of charm, vulnerability, or self-pity. In this episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, I’m revealing the five most insidious tactics covert narcissists use—because once you spot them, you can take your power back.

Unlike overt narcissists, who are loud and obvious, covert narcissists manipulate in subtle, sneaky ways. They use gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and emotional draining to keep you off-balance without raising their voices. One minute, they seem like the perfect partner, friend, or colleague, and the next, you're questioning your own reality. Sound familiar?

If you've ever walked away from a conversation feeling confused, guilty, or like you're walking on eggshells, this episode is for you. Recognising these covert narcissist mind games is the first step to breaking free from their emotional control.

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Transcript

5 Mind Games of the Covert Narcissist

Covert narcissists are masters of manipulation, just like their overt counterparts. However, unlike overt narcissists, who are loud, arrogant, and attention-seeking, covert narcissists operate under the radar. Their abuse strategies are subtle yet highly destructive.

Many people mistakenly believe that all narcissists fit the stereotypical image of someone who is obviously self-absorbed and controlling. In reality, covert narcissists can be even more dangerous because they present themselves as humble, kind, and even shy. They are often seen as victims, which makes it difficult to recognize their manipulation until you are deeply enmeshed in the relationship.

If you have ever felt constantly confused, doubted your reality, or been emotionally drained in a relationship, you may have been entangled with a covert narcissist. Let's take a deep dive into five of the most common and insidious mind games they play.

1. Minimizing Your Achievements

A covert narcissist cannot stand when you succeed because it threatens their fragile ego. Instead of celebrating your achievements, they will subtly belittle them to keep you feeling small.

For example, you might come home excited to share news about a promotion at work, expecting encouragement and support from someone you believe loves you. Instead of sharing in your joy, the covert narcissist will shift the focus back to themselves. They may say something like, "Oh, you got a promotion? I remember when I got mine, and it was much harder than what you do."

Alternatively, they may plant seeds of doubt in your mind to discourage you from pursuing bigger goals. They might say, "Are you sure you can handle that? I just don’t want to see you fail." By doing this, they ensure that you remain dependent on their validation while slowly chipping away at your confidence.

2. Future Faking

Future faking is one of the covert narcissist’s most effective tools for keeping you emotionally hooked. They promise a wonderful future together, saying all the right things that align with your dreams and desires. They listen carefully to what you want, then mirror those goals back to you as if they share the same aspirations.

This manipulative tactic creates a powerful emotional bond. You start believing in the illusion they paint, which keeps you invested in the relationship despite the red flags.

The problem is that these promises are empty. The covert narcissist has no real intention of following through. Their goal is to manipulate you into staying by keeping you focused on the future rather than the present reality of their behavior.

3. Blame Shifting and Gaslighting

If you ever catch a covert narcissist in a lie or hold them accountable for their actions, they will never admit fault. Instead, they will turn the situation around on you, making you feel like the villain.

For example, if you catch them texting someone inappropriately, they won’t take responsibility. Instead, they will say, "How dare you invade my privacy? I can’t be with someone who is so paranoid and distrusting!" They make you feel guilty for questioning them, even though they were the one engaging in the betrayal.

Covert narcissists also use gaslighting to make you question your own reality. If you bring up a past hurtful incident, they will deny it ever happened or claim you are remembering it incorrectly. They may say things like, "I never said that. You must be imagining things." Over time, this mind game erodes your self-trust and leaves you feeling like you are the problem when, in reality, they are the one manipulating the truth.

4. Triangulation – Pitting People Against You

Covert narcissists often manipulate others to create drama and make you feel isolated. They introduce a third party—whether a friend, family member, colleague, or ex-partner—to create jealousy, doubt, or competition.

For instance, they may start talking about their ex in a way that makes you feel inadequate. Initially, they may have told you that their ex was abusive and terrible, but suddenly, they start comparing you unfavorably to them. They might say, "My ex never had a problem with me doing this. Why are you so sensitive?"

This not only confuses you but also makes you work harder to please them, hoping to prove your worth. Additionally, the narcissist may spread subtle lies about you to others, making them view you as overly emotional or difficult. When you react to their manipulations, they can then point to your behavior as proof that you are the problem.

5. Playing the Perfect Person in Public, But Abusive in Private

One of the most frustrating aspects of dealing with a covert narcissist is that they present themselves as wonderful, helpful, and kind to everyone else while treating you with contempt behind closed doors.

To the outside world, they may seem like the most generous, caring person. They go out of their way to help others, always offering a listening ear or a kind gesture. However, when it comes to you, they are dismissive, critical, and cold.

For example, if you ask them for help with something, they might refuse, telling you to do it yourself. Then, when you do the task, they criticize you for not doing it correctly. They ensure that you never feel good enough, yet to everyone else, they maintain the image of being a supportive partner, friend, or family member.

This contrast makes it incredibly difficult for others to see the abuse, leaving you feeling even more isolated. If you try to confide in someone about their behavior, they are unlikely to believe you because the narcissist has carefully crafted a public image that contradicts your experience.

Breaking Free from the Covert Narcissist’s Mind Games

Recognizing these manipulation tactics is the first step toward breaking free from a covert narcissist’s control. If you find yourself constantly doubting your reality, feeling small in their presence, or questioning whether you are the problem, take a step back and assess the situation objectively.

Here are some steps to protect yourself:

• Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, it probably is. Covert narcissists rely on making you doubt yourself. Reconnect with your intuition and recognize the patterns of their manipulation.
• Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and stick to them. Narcissists hate boundaries because they limit their ability to control you. Be firm and consistent.
• Seek Support: Whether it’s therapy, a support group, or trusted friends, surround yourself with people who validate your experiences and help you regain your sense of self.
• Limit Contact: If possible, distance yourself from the narcissist. The less access they have to you, the less control they can exert.

Healing from covert narcissistic abuse takes time, but it is possible. By understanding their mind games, you can reclaim your power and build healthier relationships based on genuine respect and care.