Can a Narcissist Change if they go to Counseling?

Can a Narcissist Change if they go to counseling?

Therapy is often the first step for victims of narcissistic abuse—a space where they can untangle years of manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional trauma. Yet, one striking pattern emerges: while the victims of narcissists seek healing, the narcissist themselves rarely, if ever, steps into a therapist’s office.

Why is that? If narcissists cause so much harm, wouldn’t they benefit from professional help? In this episode, we’ll explore why the victims are the ones in therapy rather than the narcissist, and whether true change is possible for someone with narcissistic personality traits.

If you’ve ever wondered why the narcissist in your life never seeks help, never apologises, and never takes responsibility, this episode is for you.

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Nova xx

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Transcript

Why Do Victims of Narcissistic Abuse End Up in Therapy, But Not the Narcissist?

Have you ever wondered why victims of narcissistic abuse are the ones who end up in therapy, while the narcissist never seeks help? It seems paradoxical—the person causing the harm remains unchecked, while the victim carries the emotional burden and seeks professional support. Let’s explore why this happens and what it means for survivors of narcissistic abuse.

The Goal of Narcissistic Abuse

The fundamental goal of a narcissist in any relationship is control. Their primary objective is to manipulate and destabilize their victim, making them doubt their own reality. Through tactics such as gaslighting, blame-shifting, projection, and deflection, they create an environment where the victim feels crazy, confused, and insecure. It’s as if all narcissists follow the same playbook—they employ the same psychological manipulation tactics in every relationship, slowly eroding their victim’s confidence, self-esteem, and ability to trust their own instincts.

However, this process doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual, insidious form of emotional and psychological abuse, comparable to the classic “frog in boiling water” analogy.

The Frog in Boiling Water Analogy

Imagine a frog placed in a pot of lukewarm water. It’s comfortable at first. Then, slowly, the temperature begins to rise. The change is so gradual that the frog doesn’t notice the heat increasing. It keeps swimming, unaware that the water is reaching a dangerous boiling point. By the time it realizes the danger, it’s too late—it has been completely overtaken by its environment.

This is precisely what happens in narcissistic abuse. The victim doesn’t immediately recognize the abuse because it happens incrementally. By the time they do, they are so deeply enmeshed in the relationship that they feel trapped, confused, and entirely dependent on the narcissist for their sense of self-worth.

Why Do Victims Seek Therapy?

As the abuse continues, victims begin to experience severe anxiety, depression, and emotional exhaustion. The psychological turmoil affects their ability to function in daily life, making even simple tasks overwhelming. They often reach a breaking point where they feel they have no choice but to seek help.

Most survivors of narcissistic abuse eventually seek therapy because:

• They experience persistent anxiety and depression.
• They struggle with decision-making and self-doubt.
• They feel disconnected from their true selves.
• They believe the problems in the relationship are their fault.
• They want to fix the issues in their lives.

Importantly, their willingness to seek help demonstrates their capacity for introspection—something the narcissist entirely lacks. Victims acknowledge their struggles and want to heal, even though the abuse they endured was never their fault.

Why the Narcissist Avoids Therapy

If therapy is such a crucial step toward healing, why don’t narcissists seek it? The answer lies in the very nature of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists do not believe they need help because they see themselves as flawless. Here’s why they avoid therapy:

1. Lack of Self-Reflection

Narcissists have no genuine ability to reflect on their own behavior. They externalize all blame onto their victims and refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Seeking therapy would mean admitting they have flaws—something their ego cannot tolerate.

2. Fear of Exposure

Deep down, narcissists operate from a place of shame. They spend their entire lives covering up their insecurities and vulnerabilities with grandiosity, arrogance, and manipulation. Therapy threatens to expose those vulnerabilities, which is something they will avoid at all costs.

3. Avoidance of Accountability

In therapy, a person is expected to engage in self-examination and accept constructive criticism. A narcissist perceives any form of criticism—even gentle guidance from a therapist—as an attack. They cannot handle being told they are at fault or that they need to change.

4. Therapy Doesn’t Serve Their Needs

Narcissists only engage in relationships that serve their agenda. Therapy is about growth, healing, and accountability—none of which align with their self-centered goals. The idea of sitting with a therapist and being vulnerable goes against their entire psychological defense mechanism.

When Narcissists Do Attend Therapy

There are times when a narcissist does attend therapy, but it’s never for the right reasons. If a narcissist steps into a therapist’s office, it’s usually because:

• They are court-ordered (e.g., in custody battles or legal disputes).
• They want to manipulate the therapist to reinforce their own narrative.
• They aim to further traumatize their victim (such as in couples therapy, where they continue gaslighting and invalidating their partner).
• They are using it as an image-management tool to appear like they are “working on themselves.”

Even in these scenarios, they do not gain any real insights into their behavior. They use therapy as another stage for manipulation rather than a place for personal growth.

How Narcissists Weaponize Therapy Against Their Victims

Victims who attend therapy often find that narcissists use their mental health against them. Many survivors report that their abuser:

• Forced them into therapy while insisting they were the problem.
• Ridiculed them for attending therapy or taking medication.
• Used therapy as proof of their victim’s “craziness” (e.g., “See? You need therapy, not me!”).
• Told them to get help, only to belittle them for doing so.

This is a calculated move. The narcissist encourages their victim to seek help, knowing they will later use it as ammunition in arguments or as evidence that the victim is “unstable.”

The Courage to Heal

If you are a survivor of narcissistic abuse and have sought therapy, be proud of yourself. It takes immense strength to acknowledge your pain, seek professional help, and work toward healing. Unlike the narcissist, you have the ability to change, grow, and build a life free from manipulation.

Therapy provides a safe space for victims to:

• Rebuild their self-esteem and confidence.
• Recognize manipulation tactics and break free from them.
• Learn to trust their instincts again.
• Develop healthy boundaries to protect themselves from future abuse.

The fact that you are willing to seek help means you are not the problem. You are the one who is strong enough to face the pain, process it, and move forward.

Final Thoughts

The reason victims of narcissistic abuse end up in therapy while the narcissist avoids it is simple—empathy versus entitlement. Victims seek healing because they have the capacity for introspection, growth, and emotional depth. Narcissists, on the other hand, refuse to acknowledge their flaws and instead project their issues onto others.

If you’re on a healing journey, know that therapy is not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of incredible strength. You are choosing to break the cycle of abuse, reclaim your identity, and build a healthier future.

For those who need support, consider speaking to a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery. You deserve peace, healing, and a life free from manipulation.