10 Ways the Covert Narcissist Devalues You: Part 1

"They don’t yell. They don’t rage. But they destroy you—quietly."

In this 2 part series of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, I expose 10 subtle but devastating ways the covert narcissist devalues you.

From silent treatment and manufactured conflict to jokes that aren’t funny and fake concern laced with sabotage, these tactics are designed to break you down while keeping their hands clean.

“They make you feel like you’re the problem—while they quietly pull the strings.”

If you’ve ever felt confused, manipulated, or constantly walking on eggshells around someone who seems nice on the surface, this one’s for you.

Press play now and start reclaiming your clarity, confidence, and peace.

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Transcript

10 Ways the Covert Narcissist Devalues You – Part 1

When we think of narcissistic abuse, we often picture loud, aggressive, in-your-face behaviour. But there’s another type of narcissist who flies under the radar, causing deep psychological harm in subtle and insidious ways. This is the covert narcissist—the quiet manipulator who slowly chips away at your self-esteem while appearing caring, supportive, and even vulnerable to the outside world.

In this first part of a two-part blog series, we’re diving into the first five of ten manipulative tactics the covert narcissist uses to devalue their victims. These behaviours are difficult to detect at first because they’re often cloaked in concern, humour, or even love. But make no mistake: they are all deliberate forms of emotional abuse, and their goal is to control and destabilise you.

Let’s break down the first five tactics they use to devalue you—so you can start to recognise the patterns and begin to reclaim your power.

1. The Silent Treatment

One of the most commonly used and cruel tactics in the covert narcissist’s arsenal is the silent treatment. This is not about someone simply needing time to cool off or take a breather—this is a deliberate form of punishment, rejection, and emotional control.

The covert narcissist will often give you the silent treatment after an argument, a perceived slight, or even when you’ve failed to meet an unspoken expectation. It’s a manipulative tool designed to confuse you, leave you walking on eggshells, and make you desperately seek their approval or forgiveness.

You might try to apologise, even when you haven’t done anything wrong, just to restore the peace. You may start questioning yourself, wondering what you did to deserve the cold shoulder. That’s exactly what they want.

This tactic allows the narcissist to control the emotional tone of the relationship without raising their voice or appearing abusive to outsiders. But make no mistake—it is deeply damaging and often leads to anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional isolation in the victim.

2. Feigning Concern While Secretly Sabotaging You

Another insidious tactic is when the covert narcissist pretends to care deeply about your wellbeing while simultaneously undermining your confidence, your relationships, or your success.

They may disguise their sabotage as concern. For example:

• “Are you sure you want to wear that to the interview? I just don’t want you to look unprofessional.”
• “I heard Jane said something about you at work—I just think you should be careful around her.”
• “I’m not trying to bring you down, I just think you’re not ready for that promotion yet.”

These comments are crafted to plant seeds of doubt, and they often come with just enough plausible deniability that if you call them out, they can say you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.”

What makes this tactic especially painful is that it often comes from someone you trust. Because the narcissist plays the role of the caring partner, friend, or colleague, you may not immediately realise that they’re quietly sabotaging your self-esteem or relationships behind the scenes.

3. Insults Disguised as Jokes

This one is both common and incredibly manipulative. The covert narcissist often devalues their victim through subtle jabs disguised as humour. These insults are slipped into casual conversation or group settings and are designed to catch you off guard.

You might hear things like:

• “Wow, I didn’t know you were going to eat that much—just kidding!”
• “You’re so sensitive—it was just a joke.”
• “You’re really going to wear that? You’re so brave!”

The message is always delivered with a smirk, a laugh, or an eye-roll, so that if you react with hurt or anger, the narcissist can dismiss your feelings and turn it back on you.

This tactic serves two purposes: it chips away at your confidence and makes you question your own reactions, and it allows the narcissist to dodge accountability. After all, they were “just joking.”

Over time, these seemingly small comments accumulate and create a toxic atmosphere in the relationship. You start questioning your worth, second-guessing your choices, and feeling like you’re constantly being judged—often in front of others.

4. Manufactured Conflict

Covert narcissists thrive on control, and one way they maintain it is by creating unnecessary conflict and chaos. They will often manufacture arguments or emotional storms out of nothing, purely to keep you off balance and destabilised.

These conflicts can be about trivial things—a look you gave them, a tone they didn’t like, something you forgot to say, or even things you had no control over. Suddenly, you find yourself in the middle of a dramatic blow-up and wondering how it all started.

This tactic is especially confusing because it disrupts the peace in the relationship and creates an environment where the narcissist can portray themselves as the victim. You, on the other hand, are left feeling like you’re always doing something wrong, always failing them in some way.

What’s worse, these manufactured conflicts are often followed by periods of calm or affection, creating a cycle of confusion and trauma bonding. You begin to crave the moments of peace and affection, which makes you more likely to tolerate the abuse.

5. They Make You Dependent on Them

One of the most powerful tactics that covert narcissists use to devalue and control their victims is creating a false sense of dependency. They don’t just want you to love or care about them—they want you to need them. Emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even financially.

At the start of the relationship, they often present themselves as your saviour. They might shower you with attention, validate your worth, and make you feel like you’ve finally found someone who truly understands you. They may even step in and “help” with your problems, decision-making, or finances—all while creating the illusion that they have your best interests at heart.

But over time, the goal becomes clear: they slowly undermine your ability to think, act, or function independently. You might find yourself second-guessing your choices, turning to them for approval before making decisions, or relying on them emotionally to the point where you feel lost without their input.

They may subtly discourage you from pursuing your own goals, question your abilities, or isolate you from supportive friends and family—all under the guise of love or concern. Eventually, you begin to believe that you need them to survive. That without them, you wouldn’t cope.

This dependency serves their purpose perfectly: it makes it incredibly hard for you to leave. Even when you know the relationship is toxic, you’re left doubting your strength and capabilities. You might feel trapped, anxious, or helpless.

This tactic is extremely common in covert abuse, and it’s one of the most effective ways they maintain control while keeping their public image intact. The more you depend on them, the more power they have over your emotions, your choices, and your life.

Final Thoughts

These first five tactics are just the beginning of how a covert narcissist systematically devalues their victim. What makes covert abuse so difficult to identify is the subtlety and stealth with which it is delivered. It’s not always about shouting or slamming doors—it’s about mind games, manipulation, and emotional sabotage that erodes your self-worth over time.

If any of these behaviours sound familiar, know that you’re not alone. Recognising the pattern is the first step toward healing. Once you can see the tactics for what they are, you begin to reclaim your clarity and power.

Stay tuned for Part 2, where we’ll explore five more tactics covert narcissists use to chip away at your self-esteem. Understanding these patterns will help you set better boundaries, seek support, and move forward from toxic relationships with confidence and self-compassion.