Reactive Abuse Is Not the Same as the Narcissist Abuse

Have you ever lashed out in frustration after relentless emotional torment, only to be told you are the problem? That is reactive abuse, and it is not the same as the calculated, intentional cruelty of narcissistic abuse. They push you until you break—then call you the abuser. 

In this episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, we expose how narcissists provoke emotional reactions and then twist reality to shift blame onto you.

"They create chaos, then play the victim."

Narcissists know exactly how to push your buttons, using manipulation and gaslighting to trigger an outburst. Once they get a reaction, they weaponise it—telling others you are unstable, you are the abuser. It is a classic blame-shifting strategy designed to discredit you and keep you trapped in self-doubt and shame.

We break down:

What reactive abuse really is—and why it is not actual abuse

Why narcissists provoke reactions—and how they use your response against you

How to break free from their manipulation—so you stop playing their game

Overcoming self-blame—so you can reclaim your truth and heal

Losing control after endless provocation does not make you the abuser.

If you have ever questioned yourself after a toxic argument, this episode will give you clarity, validation, and strategies to stay in control.

If this episode resonated with you, please rate and review—it helps others find this podcast. Share your thoughts in the comments! Have you experienced reactive abuse? Let’s talk.

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Transcript

Reactive Abuse: When the Narcissist Flips the Script on You

"You’re the abuser!"
Have you ever heard those words come out of the narcissist’s mouth—right after they’ve baited you into an argument, worn you down, and pushed every single emotional button you have?

If you've ever reacted in a way that felt out of character—yelling, swearing, or lashing out—and then felt deep shame afterward, this post is for you.

This reaction is what we call reactive abuse. And it’s something narcissists intentionally provoke to make you look like the problem.

What Is Reactive Abuse?

Reactive abuse happens when a victim finally snaps after repeated emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and provocation. The narcissist has poked and prodded you for so long that you reach your breaking point.

You lose your cool, and suddenly—you’re the villain in the story they’re spinning.
 "See, there you go again, flying off the handle! And you say I’m the abusive one?"

It’s one of the narcissist’s favourite games.

Why the Narcissist Wants You to React

Every narcissist is hunting for narcissistic supply, and they get that by pushing your emotional buttons. Your reactions are their fuel.

They do this by using a well-worn tactic summed up by the acronym JADE:

• Justify
• Argue
• Defend
• Explain

If you’ve found yourself doing any of these during an argument, you were likely being manipulated into giving them exactly what they wanted—your emotions.

They are master manipulators. Over time, they train you to react on cue.

The Key Difference: Intent

Here’s what matters most: Intent.

• A narcissist’s behaviour is deliberately cruel. Their abuse is premeditated and used to control, belittle, or punish you.
• A victim’s reactive abuse comes from frustration, fear, or an intense need to be heard. It's a response to being pushed past the point of endurance.

You’re trying to regain control. You’re trying to make sense of the madness. But the narcissist is simply enjoying the performance they’ve staged—where you’re the one who looks “crazy.”

The Erosion of Self-Trust

Over time, narcissistic abuse erodes your ability to trust your instincts. You're conditioned to believe:

• “Maybe it is me.”
• “We’re both as bad as each other.”
• “I just overreacted again.”

But here’s the truth: It’s not tit for tat.

In situations involving domestic violence, coercive control, or narcissistic abuse, there is always a power imbalance. The narcissist is deliberately provoking; you’re reacting to actual abuse.

The Trap: Outsiders Often Can’t See the Difference

When both people appear volatile, outsiders may think you're both to blame. That makes the narcissist's job even easier.

They get to play the calm, rational one while you break down emotionally.

And unfortunately, that’s exactly what they want:

• To appear credible.
• To gaslight you and others into believing you are unstable.
• To use your outbursts against you.

The Setup: A Story from ‘Fake Love’

Let me share a story from my book, Fake Love.

Sophie was out dancing and having fun with her husband, Justin. Everything was going well—until he gave her that look. The one that said, “You’ve done something wrong.”

Without explanation, he abruptly told her they were leaving. He refused to speak to her the whole way home. He later accused her of acting like a drunk and being embarrassing. Then he locked her out of the house.

Sophie—confused, hurt, and a little tipsy—banged on the door, crying and pleading to be let in. The neighbours heard, and the police were called.

Justin recorded her outburst and showed it to her the next day.

Sophie was mortified.

Even though her actions were reactive and based on emotional distress, she internalised the blame—and Justin was able to use that incident as proof that she was the one with the problem.

This is the narcissist’s playbook.

Your Outburst Was a Reaction, Not the Problem

If you’ve ever found yourself reacting in a way that shocks you—screaming, sobbing, swearing, or even breaking things—look at the lead-up.

Ask yourself:

• Were you just trying to be heard?
• Were you being gaslit, stonewalled, or provoked?
• Were your feelings being invalidated again and again?

Because the truth is, you were set up.

You were handed a script and pushed to perform—then shamed for doing exactly what the narcissist knew you would do.

Reactive Abuse Is Not the Same as Abuse

The behaviours might look the same at first glance, but they come from two very different places.

• The narcissist is calm, calculating, and composed—on the surface.
• The victim is overwhelmed, panicked, and heartbroken—on the inside.

You didn’t plan to hurt someone. You were trying to survive the hurt being inflicted on you.

Let that sink in:
 Your reaction is not who you are.
Your reaction doesn’t define you.
Your pain doesn’t make you abusive.

Need Support?

You don’t have to figure it all out alone. If this post resonated with you and you're realising just how much you've been manipulated, please know there is help available.

👉 Book a session with Brighter Outlook Counselling here
👉 Grab your copy of Fake Love – available on Audible, Kindle, and paperback

Final Thoughts

The narcissist flips the script so that your very normal human reaction becomes their weapon. But the difference always lies in intent.

Next time you reflect on those moments you “lost it,” remind yourself:
 You weren’t abusive—you were baited.

Let go of the shame. Take back your power. And remember—you are not alone.