What sort of person is the Covert Narcissist Drawn To?

Have you ever wondered why certain people seem to become prime targets for covert narcissists? In this revealing episode of Fake Love and  Flying Monkeys I break down exactly what kind of personality traits covert narcissists are drawn to — and why.

From the outside, it might seem like bad luck, but I explain the deeper psychological reasons why these manipulators select partners, friends, and even colleagues who display certain appealing traits. Are you overly empathetic? A chronic people-pleaser? High-achieving but secretly struggling with low self-worth? 

Expect to learn:

The top 5 personality traits covert narcissists actively seek out

How your strengths — like kindness and loyalty — can be twisted and weaponised against you

Why boundary issues are often at the core of the narcissist-target dynamic

Red flags that signal when your good nature is being exploited

This episode is packed with insight, validation, and practical strategies to help you recognise the patterns — and break free from them. Whether you're currently stuck in a toxic relationship or reflecting on past encounters, this conversation will empower you to reclaim your self-worth and stop being an easy target.

"Your empathy is your strength — but without boundaries, it becomes your weakness in the hands of a narcissist."

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Please remember the information in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy is general and strictly the opinions of the host.

Nova xx

Transcript

Why Covert Narcissists Are Drawn to Certain People (And No, It’s Not Your Fault)

I can’t even tell you how many times I get asked this question in my sessions: “Why do I keep attracting narcissists? What is it about me?”
And honestly, when someone asks that, what they’re really saying is:
“Why do I keep finding people who treat me like dirt, use me as a doormat, and never let me have any needs of my own?”
Sound familiar? If so, first of all — big deep breath. You’re not broken. There’s not some flashing neon sign over your head that says “Come and abuse me!”

But let’s get into it because the reasons covert narcissists are drawn to certain people are both sneaky and eye-opening.

You Don’t Attract Them Because You’re Broken

Let me just get this out there right away: you do not attract toxic, narcissistic people because there’s something wrong or deficient in you. This whole idea that victims somehow “call in” abusers? It’s damaging. It sounds a whole lot like victim-blaming, and frankly, I hate it.

Sure, maybe you’ve found yourself in more than one toxic relationship. Maybe it feels like there’s a pattern, like every time you pick yourself back up, another covert narcissist swoops in. But here’s the deal: narcissists seek you out. They’re like sharks sniffing out blood in the water. They have an uncanny ability to find people with what I call “core wounds.”

Now, I know that term gets thrown around a lot. But basically, I’m talking about unresolved trauma, usually from childhood. Maybe you grew up with emotional neglect. Maybe you had a toxic parent who made you feel like your needs didn’t matter.
 And even if you’ve never really thought about those wounds, the narcissist? Oh, they smell them a mile away.

At first, they’ll show up as the opposite of anyone who ever hurt you. They’ll play the hero. They’ll love-bomb you and make you feel like you’ve finally found someone safe.
 And then — when you’re attached — they repeat the exact same pattern of abuse you’ve experienced before.

It’s a trap, and it works because, deep down, that environment feels familiar to you. Twisted, right? But if you grew up walking on eggshells or constantly trying to earn love, then even though abuse is painful, it’s a pain you know how to survive. Healthy love? That feels foreign. Strange. Maybe even a little… boring?

So without even realising it, you find yourself sticking with the devil you know.
 But let’s also get this straight…

Not Everyone Drawn In Has Deep Wounds

This part is important. You don’t have to have a traumatic past to get caught up with a narcissist. Sometimes, it’s just bad luck — you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe you’re happy, successful, confident… and that, my friend, is exactly the kind of challenge a covert narcissist loves.

They look at someone like you and think, “Oooh, I can’t wait to tear that down.”
It’s sport for them. It’s about control, power, and seeing if they can break someone who seems unbreakable.

So no, it’s not about you being flawed. And it’s definitely not because you “deserve” it or because there’s something dark inside you that’s attracting abuse. That whole “You attract who you are” nonsense? Forget it. It’s toxic advice that makes victims feel like they’re somehow to blame for being abused.

What Actually Draws in a Covert Narcissist?

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s talk about the kinds of personality traits that do make someone appealing to a covert narcissist. And spoiler alert: these are usually beautiful, positive qualities — which is why this feels so unfair.

1. You’re an Empath (aka Their Favourite Target)

Empathy is probably the number one thing covert narcissists are drawn to. You feel deeply. You care about people. You’d never intentionally hurt someone, and if you saw someone struggling, your instinct would be to help them.
 Sound familiar?

Here’s the kicker: narcissists know that about you. And while normal people see empathy as a lovely trait, narcissists see it as a big, flashing opportunity. They know an empath will stick around and try to fix things. They’ll make excuses, see the “wounded child” in the narcissist, and bend over backward trying to make it work.

It’s their dream scenario.

While they’re busy love-bombing you and studying your every vulnerability, you’re busy assuming everyone has the same level of empathy as you. You’re not even on guard because you can’t fathom that someone could lack empathy entirely.

But now you know — these people exist, and they’re specifically looking for someone like you. Why?
 Because you’ll do the emotional labor. You’ll rationalise their silent treatments and cruelty. You’ll believe that if you just love them harder, they’ll change. And before you know it, you’ve developed this insane tolerance for abuse while blaming yourself for their bad behaviour.

2. You’re High in Responsibility

You take ownership. If there’s a problem, your instinct is to think, “What can I do to fix this?”
Narcissists love that. It means they never have to take accountability because you’ll take it on for them. You’ll twist yourself into knots trying to make things right, even when it’s not your fault.

3. You Struggle with Boundaries

Let’s be honest — if you grew up feeling like your needs weren’t important, you might struggle to set boundaries. Narcissists thrive on this. They’ll push and push until they completely take over your life, and because you don’t want to upset anyone, you’ll struggle to say no. And even if you do, they’ll guilt-trip you until you back down.

4. You See the Good in Everyone

Optimism is beautiful… until it gets weaponised against you. Narcissists count on you seeing their “potential” and ignoring their actual behaviour. You focus on those rare moments when they’re nice and overlook the mountain of cruelty. They love that.

5. You Fear Abandonment

If deep down you’re terrified of being alone or unloved, a narcissist will spot that instantly. They’ll create this push-pull dynamic where they give you just enough attention to keep you hooked, then withdraw it to make you chase after them. It’s emotional manipulation 101.

Healing Changes Everything (But It Doesn’t Mean Narcissists Disappear)

Now, I want to be clear: doing the healing work — therapy, rebuilding your self-worth, setting boundaries — doesn’t mean narcissists will suddenly stop existing. They’re still out there. They’ll still try to target people, even happy, successful, healed people.

The difference is, with strong boundaries and a solid sense of self, you’re going to see those red flags sooner. You’re going to trust your gut when something feels off. And most importantly, you’re going to walk away at the first sign of toxicity instead of sticking around and trying to fix it.

That’s the power of healing. It doesn’t make you immune — but it makes you unbreakable.

And yes, you’ll probably find yourself surrounded by people who respect you more often. Not because narcissists have vanished, but because you won’t tolerate anything less than respect. You’ll see manipulation for what it is, and it’ll be a deal-breaker, not a project.

Let’s Ditch the Victim-Blaming Narratives

So next time you hear that awful phrase, “You attract what you are,” please, just throw it out.
You are not abusive. You are not broken. You are not inviting this into your life because there’s something wrong with you.

What you are is empathetic, loving, and maybe a little vulnerable in ways that make you a target for people who lack empathy and live to manipulate. That doesn’t make you flawed — it makes you human. And it makes your healing journey all the more powerful.

Because once you reclaim your boundaries, your worth, and your voice, no narcissist in the world can take you down again.

And that? That’s the real victory.