Why No One Understands Narcissistic Abuse

Why can’t anyone seem to understand narcissistic abuse — no matter how hard you try to explain it? In this validating episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys,  I break down why victims struggle to put their experience into words and why outsiders often dismiss, minimise, or misunderstand what’s really happening.

I unpack powerful tactics like gaslighting, love bombing, and covert emotional abuse — all designed by the narcissist to stay hidden from others while destroying you behind closed doors. You’ll learn why survivors are left feeling isolated, disbelieved, and even blamed, and how this adds to the trauma.

If you’ve ever felt crazy, exhausted, or alone trying to explain your abuse — this episode will give you clarity, validation, and support. Your pain is real, and it matters.

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Please remember the information in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy is general and strictly the opinions of the host.

Nova xx

Transcript

Why Narcissistic Abuse Is So Hard to Explain to Others

If you've ever tried to explain narcissistic abuse to someone and felt like you were speaking a foreign language, please know you are far from alone. In fact, this is one of the most painful realities victims and survivors face: no one seems to get it. Not your family. Not your friends. Sometimes, not even a well-meaning therapist. And when this happens, it just adds another crushing layer of trauma to what is already an incredibly devastating experience.

So why is it so hard to explain narcissistic abuse? Why do survivors so often feel isolated, invalidated, and misunderstood?

Let’s get honest about this. Because the reasons are deep—and understanding them can help you let go of the frustration and focus on your own healing.

Reason 1: Narcissistic Abuse Is Invisible

Unlike physical abuse, narcissistic abuse leaves no bruises or broken bones. The wounds are internal—psychological and emotional—and they cut straight to your soul. These invisible injuries affect your mental health, your sense of self-worth, and your very reality. But because they can't be seen, people on the outside often minimize or dismiss them.

And isn’t that exactly what your abuser did to you? Made you question your pain. Made you doubt whether your suffering was real. Unfortunately, well-meaning people—often the ones who love us most—do the same without even realizing it. They say things like:

• "Are you sure you’re not overreacting?"
• "But they seem so nice!"
• "Everyone has fights sometimes."

For a victim who has already been conditioned to distrust their instincts and to believe they’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting,” these comments hit hard. They reinforce the abuser’s gaslighting and make you question yourself all over again. Instead of feeling supported, you end up feeling even more alone.

Reason 2: Narcissists Are Masters of Image Control

One of the most disorienting things about narcissistic abuse is that no one else sees what you see. Narcissists are skilled actors. They know how to charm, flatter, and impress the outside world while terrorizing you behind closed doors. They’re chameleons, shifting their behavior depending on who they’re with and what they want.

To the world, they appear generous, funny, loving—even admirable. But behind closed doors, they are controlling, cruel, and emotionally abusive. Because you’re the only one who sees behind their mask, others struggle to reconcile your description of the abuse with their own positive experiences with the narcissist.

How devastating does it feel when you finally work up the courage to tell someone what’s been happening, only to hear:

• "But they’ve always been good to me."
• "I just can’t believe they’d do that."
• "If it was that bad, why didn’t you leave?"

These statements invalidate your pain and deepen the shame and self-blame you already carry. They also ignore the powerful trauma bond that keeps victims stuck—a dynamic so strong it’s been compared to the psychological grip of cults and hostage situations.

Reason 3: Trauma Bonding Keeps Victims Stuck

Unless someone has lived it, they will struggle to understand why you stayed so long or why you kept going back. The trauma bond—a psychological attachment formed through cycles of abuse and intermittent kindness—is powerful. It’s designed to make you question your reality, depend on your abuser for validation, and cling to the hope that things will change.

This is why questions like "Why do you keep going back?" are so painful and so unhelpful. They ignore the complex psychological manipulation at play and place the burden of blame back on the victim.

In reality, leaving an abusive narcissist is one of the hardest things a person can do, precisely because of the trauma bond. And explaining that to someone who has never experienced it? That can feel impossible.

Reason 4: Narcissistic Abuse Is Often Covert and Subtle

Another reason narcissistic abuse is so hard to explain is because it’s usually covert. It’s not about dramatic outbursts or physical violence—at least, not always. More often, it’s about small, ongoing patterns of behavior that chip away at your confidence, self-esteem, and sense of reality over time.

Things like:

• Eye rolls meant to belittle you.
• Silent treatments designed to punish you.
• Subtle digs disguised as jokes.
• Slamming a coffee cup down to intimidate you.

To an outsider, these actions seem petty or insignificant. But to you—the person living with this day in and day out—they are deeply traumatizing. Each small act of contempt or control adds up, creating what’s often called “death by a thousand cuts.”

Try explaining to someone why the narcissist slamming a coffee cup makes your heart race and sends you into survival mode. They won’t understand unless they’ve lived through the daily punishments, the walking on eggshells, and the constant hypervigilance that defines life with a narcissist.

Reason 5: Gaslighting Destroys Your Ability to Trust Yourself

Perhaps the most damaging aspect of narcissistic abuse is gaslighting. This tactic distorts your reality so completely that you start to question your own perceptions, memories, and instincts. Over time, you stop trusting yourself—and you turn to the abuser to tell you what’s real.

Gaslighting is devastating to a person’s mental health. It makes you second-guess everything and doubt your own sanity. This is why survivors often struggle even to explain what’s happened to them. They’ve been conditioned to minimize their own pain, to question whether the abuse was real, and to fear they won’t be believed.

When survivors do try to explain, they often downplay the abuse because they’ve been taught that their feelings aren’t valid. They might say, “It wasn’t that bad” or “Maybe I was too sensitive”—even when they’re describing years of emotional torture. This internalized minimization makes it even harder for others to grasp the true depth of the trauma.

The Invisible Wounds Are Real

If you’re a survivor struggling to make others understand, please hear this: Your pain is real, even if others can’t see it.

Just because the abuse didn’t leave visible marks doesn’t mean it wasn’t devastating. Emotional and psychological abuse wounds the mind and spirit in profound ways, often leaving deeper scars than physical violence.

You do not need anyone else’s validation to trust your own experience. The fact that others struggle to understand is not a reflection of you—it’s a reflection of how insidious and hidden this type of abuse is.

Tips for Coping When No One Understands

Here are some things that might help if you’re feeling isolated and unheard:

• Seek out specialized support. Therapists trained in narcissistic abuse and coercive control will get it. General therapists, friends, and family often won’t.
• Find survivor communities. Online forums, support groups, and podcasts like Fake Love and Flying Monkeys offer validation from people who truly understand.
• Educate yourself. The more you learn about narcissistic abuse, trauma bonding, and gaslighting, the more you can trust your own reality.
• Stop seeking validation from those who minimize you. Not everyone will understand, and that’s okay. Focus on connecting with those who do.
• Practice self-compassion. You’ve endured an invisible war. Be gentle with yourself as you heal.

You Are Not Alone

If you’ve struggled to explain narcissistic abuse and felt dismissed or disbelieved, please know that you are not alone. This is, tragically, a common experience for survivors.

But your truth matters. Your healing matters. And even if the people around you don’t fully understand, there is a growing community of survivors and experts who do—and who are here to validate, support, and empower you.