Why Covert Narcissists Sabotage Your Happiness and Special Moments

Why do narcissists seem to lash out when you're at your happiest? Why do they ruin birthdays, holidays, family events, or moments of personal success? If you've ever found yourself asking “Why can’t they just let me enjoy this?”, this episode is for you.

In this deep-dive episode, we unpack the disturbing reality behind why narcissists can’t stand your joy. Whether it’s your graduation, a promotion, a peaceful family gathering, or simply a quiet moment of contentment, narcissists have a way of inserting chaos, guilt, or drama—ensuring that the spotlight shifts back to them.

We’ll explore:

• The narcissist’s pathological envy and need to undermine you
• How they weaponise special moments to create emotional confusion
• The psychological reason your joy feels threatening to them
• The difference between support and sabotage in toxic dynamics
• Common tactics: disappearing acts, passive-aggressive comments, arguments out of nowhere

“They see your joy as a reminder they can’t feel theirs.”

Narcissistic sabotage isn’t random—it’s a patterned behaviour used to reassert control and destabilise you emotionally. These moments of sabotage are often followed by gaslighting, blame-shifting, or false apologies that keep you questioning yourself and walking on eggshells.

You’ll also hear real-world examples from my counselling practice, helping you identify red flags and understand the deeper emotional manipulation at play.

“They won’t let you have the moment—unless it serves them.”

This episode is a must-listen for anyone who has ever felt emotionally ambushed during what should’ve been their happiest moments. I’ll help you see through the manipulation and take the first steps toward emotional freedom.

Support the Show on Apple Podcasts
If Fake Love has helped you, using this Apple Podcasts link is a simple way to support the show! 🙏

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Need Support, Extra Resources? Resources and Online Counseling (worldwide) information Here

Order my book Fake Love – Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse here

You can leave a Rating and a Review here

You Can Share this Podcast here

Join me on FB here
Join the private FB group here
Join me on Instagram here

Join me on YouTube here

Please Buy me a coffee ❤️

Thank you for listening!
Please remember the information in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy is general and strictly the opinions of the host.

Nova xx

Transcript

Why the Covert Narcissist Always Ruins Special Occasions

Is there anything more disheartening than looking forward to a joyful, special occasion—something you've been counting down the sleeps to—only to have it turn to shambles at the hands of the one person you hoped would enjoy it with you? If you’ve been entangled in a relationship with a covert narcissist, you’ll know that this isn’t a rare, once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence. It’s a deeply entrenched pattern.

Whether it’s Christmas, your birthday, an anniversary, or even just a quiet weekend planned with some Netflix and peace, these moments often end in chaos, tears, or emotional exhaustion. The covert narcissist has a disturbingly consistent ability to hijack your happiness and transform these special times into a source of stress, confusion, and sadness.

So why do covert narcissists ruin holidays, birthdays, and any time you're happy or relaxed? Let’s dive into the psychology behind this destructive behaviour. Spoiler alert: it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their need for control, their deep insecurity, and their desire to sabotage.

What Is a Covert Narcissist?

Before we dig into the why, let’s briefly revisit what a covert narcissist is. Unlike their overt cousin—the loud, boastful, attention-seeking narcissist most people recognise—the covert narcissist flies under the radar. They are subtle, sneaky, and manipulative in a more passive-aggressive way. You’re not likely to see them making a scene in public or loudly bragging about their achievements. Instead, they weaponise silence, guilt-tripping, and playing the victim.

Covert narcissists still crave admiration, control, and a sense of superiority, but they seek it through quiet manipulation rather than overt dominance. They often appear shy, sensitive, or emotionally intelligent at first. You might even be drawn to what you think is their vulnerability. But underneath that façade is the same deep-seated entitlement and fragile ego.

They must be the most important person in the room—and when they aren’t, they make sure everyone suffers for it.

When You’re Happy, They’re Triggered

So when are they not the centre of attention? Special occasions.

These events often place focus on you, your friends or family, or even just your inner sense of joy and peace. Whether you’re lying in a spa with a glass of wine and a face mask or simply soaking in the festive spirit of Christmas morning, your happiness is no longer centred around them—and that is a problem for the covert narcissist.

Your joy, especially when it has nothing to do with them, threatens their perceived control. It exposes their internal emptiness, reminding them that they lack the emotional range to feel genuine peace or joy. When you're glowing, relaxed, and having a good time, it reflects their inability to feel the same—and it agitates them.

The Narcissist's Toolkit for Ruining Your Joy

How do they respond to your joy? With sabotage.

Here are some common tactics covert narcissists use to ruin holidays and special moments:

1. The Silent Treatment They will emotionally withdraw with no explanation. You might hear nothing but sighs and see sulks. When you ask, "What’s wrong?" you’ll get the classic, "Nothing," or silence. Suddenly, you’re spinning in anxiety, trying to figure out how to fix it.
2. Guilt Tripping They might say things like, "I thought this was our holiday," or "You’re always so selfish on your birthday." These comments are designed to make you feel bad for enjoying yourself without them being the source of that joy.
3. Criticising the Occasion The food isn't right, the people are boring, the decorations are over the top, or not enough effort was made. No matter what you do, it will never be enough, and there will always be something to complain about.
4. Picking Fights Out of nowhere, they’ll start an argument over something inconsequential. Suddenly, you're in a heated debate about a trivial issue and the joyful moment is derailed.
5. Playing the Victim They’ll find a way to make the occasion about their suffering. "I wasn’t feeling well, but you ignored me all day," or "No one thought to ask what I wanted to do."
6. Sabotaging Interactions with Others If friends or family are around, the narcissist might give them the cold shoulder, start conflict, or try to embarrass you in front of them. In their mind, if they’re not enjoying the day, no one else should either.

Your Peace Is a Threat to Their Control

The covert narcissist's sabotage isn’t random—it's strategic. When you are happy and emotionally balanced, you are harder to manipulate. They rely on your emotional turmoil to regain control. If you’re confused, anxious, or upset, you’re easier to gaslight, easier to guilt-trip, and easier to redirect back into the cycle of abuse.

They want to be the sole source of your emotional highs and lows. When you find peace or joy independent of them, it shatters their illusion of control. Suddenly, they’re not needed, not relevant, and not powerful. So they manufacture chaos to reassert themselves as the central figure in your emotional world.

Holidays Are a Narcissist’s Playground

Certain dates are particularly triggering for covert narcissists:

• Birthdays You’re meant to feel special. But if they didn’t plan anything or didn’t approve of your plans, they may sulk, criticise the day, or cause drama to ruin it. They may even say things like, "You didn’t even think of how I felt on your birthday."
• Christmas and Family Gatherings These moments are filled with love, connection, and joy—everything the narcissist lacks and resents. They may wake up in a foul mood, start arguments, or cause a scene in front of others to derail the day and make it about them.
• Vacations A relaxing getaway should be a reprieve, but to a narcissist, it’s a threat. If they feel sidelined, they may emotionally withdraw, complain about everything, or create drama mid-trip. You end up emotionally wrecked and trying to fix their mood instead of enjoying yourself.

The Aftermath: Twisting the Narrative

Once they’ve successfully ruined the day, the final blow comes in the form of blame. They twist the narrative to make it your fault.

You reacted to their sabotage? Now you’re "too emotional." You got upset? They were "just trying to help." They will spin the story so well, you may start to question yourself: Did I overreact? Did I ruin it?

Over time, you begin to dread special occasions. You lower your expectations. You shrink your celebrations. You walk on eggshells.

And that’s exactly what they want.

Why It Hurts So Much

You’re not imagining the pain. When someone ruins your happiness deliberately, especially during times that are supposed to be filled with love and joy, it causes a profound grief.

You’re not just mourning the ruined moment—you’re grieving the fantasy of what you hoped the relationship could be. You’re mourning the peace you tried to create. And you’re trying to understand how someone who claims to love you could be so cruel.

But the truth is, their cruelty isn’t about you. It’s about their inability to tolerate your joy.

Your Happiness Is a Mirror

Your joy shines a light on what they cannot feel. Covert narcissists lack emotional depth. They can mimic feelings, but they can’t truly feel peace, joy, or love the way you can. So when you exhibit those things, it triggers their internal void.

You become a mirror showing them what they lack. And rather than reflect, learn, or grow, they smash the mirror.

They ruin your happiness so they don’t have to confront their own emptiness.

Breaking the Cycle

Understanding the why doesn’t make the behaviour okay, but it helps you detach from the self-blame. You didn’t ruin the holiday. Your birthday isn’t selfish. Your joy is not a crime.

If you find yourself repeatedly hurt and let down during holidays or special times, it’s not because you’re expecting too much. It’s because you’re hoping for normalcy from someone whose emotional world is built on chaos and control.

You deserve to enjoy your life’s moments without fear of sabotage. You deserve peace without walking on eggshells. And you deserve relationships where your joy is celebrated, not punished.

Final Thoughts

Special occasions should be a time of joy, connection, and celebration—not anxiety, dread, and emotional damage. Covert narcissists will continue to ruin these moments for as long as they are allowed to be in your inner circle.

But once you begin to see the patterns for what they are, you can start to emotionally detach. You can set boundaries. You can take back your holidays, your birthdays, your weekends.

And most importantly, you can protect your joy.