Fake Love and Flying Monkeys

Why You Still Feel Guilty Saying No to Narcissistic Parents

Nova Gibson Season 2 Episode 61

Struggling with narcissistic abuse recovery as an adult child of a narcissist? Do you feel overwhelming guilt when setting boundaries with toxic parents—even when you know it’s the healthiest thing you can do?

You’re not alone.

In this episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, I dive deep into the emotional conditioning that narcissistic parents use over a lifetime to keep you trapped in fear, obligation, and guilt. I explore the complex reality of being one of many adult children of narcissists, where saying “no” feels wrong, loving yourself feels selfish, and healing childhood trauma means unlearning everything you were taught about love, loyalty, and guilt.

I break down the psychological tools narcissistic mothers and fathers use—like emotional abuse from parents, trauma bonding, and guilt after going no contact—to keep you stuck in patterns of people-pleasing and self-abandonment.

You’ll hear:

Why narcissistic family dynamics are built on control, not connection

How toxic parent relationships make you feel responsible for their happiness

Real stories from survivors working through narcissistic parenting wounds

Why choosing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s survival

Practical steps for surviving narcissistic parenting and reclaiming your power


If you're navigating the pain of breaking free from family manipulation, or still wondering why you feel so guilty for protecting your peace, this episode offers the clarity and validation you’ve been searching for. 

Need Support, Extra Resources? Resources and Online Counseling (worldwide) information Here

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Please remember the information in this episode is not intended to substitute for therapy is general and strictly the opinions of the host.

Nova xx

Why You Still Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries With a Narcissistic Parent

Let me ask you something that might hit a little too close to home:

Why, as a fully grown adult, do you still feel guilty when you try to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent?

You’re not a child anymore. You’re a whole adult with your own life, your own voice, your own opinions. And yet—one disapproving look, one guilt-trippy comment, or a subtle silent treatment from your mum or dad… and suddenly you’re five years old again. You’re shrinking inside, questioning everything you thought you were certain about.

Sound familiar?

If so, please hear this: You are not weak. You are not broken. You are not imagining it.

You were conditioned to feel this way. And that conditioning has a name.

Welcome to the FOG: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt

FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, and it perfectly describes the emotional trap that narcissistic parents create around their children.

They don’t need to scream at you or threaten you. They don’t need to be overt. Instead, they plant these subtle emotional triggers from a very young age. And because it starts so early, most people don’t even realise it’s happening until decades later.

From the time you were little, you might have been taught that:

  • You're not allowed to have your own needs.
  • Saying "no" means you're selfish.
  • Your parent’s feelings matter more than yours.

And those messages don’t just vanish when you turn 18.

Classic Lines That Keep You Trapped

Here are some of the greatest hits from narcissistic parents:

  • “After everything I do for you, this is how you treat me?”
  • “You’re so ungrateful.”
  • “Don’t embarrass me in front of people.”
  • “You only get one mum/dad.”

These statements don’t just hurt in the moment. They teach children that:

  • Love is conditional.
  • Your job is to keep your parent happy.
  • Your feelings come last.

Fast forward 20 or 30 years, and those patterns are still running in the background like an outdated computer program.

Real-Life Examples: How FOG Shows Up in Adulthood

The Sunday Guilt – Sarah, 38

Sarah is a working mum with a busy life. Every Sunday, she drives an hour to have lunch with her mum. Not because she enjoys it. Not because it’s a cherished family ritual. But because she feels like she has to.

One Sunday, she tried to cancel. She was exhausted and needed rest. Her mum hit her with:

“I guess I’m just not important anymore. You have your own little family now.”

Cue the guilt. The obligation. The Sunday lunch happened anyway.

Sarah didn’t make a decision based on her needs. She made one based on fear, obligation, and guilt. Classic FOG.

Still Walking on Eggshells – James, 45

James is successful, lives in another state, and runs his own company. But every time he talks to his dad on the phone, he gets nervous. His stomach knots. His palms sweat.

As a kid, James's dad was volatile—yelling, slamming doors, silent treatments. Now, even though he's a grown man, James finds himself scrambling to appease his dad and avoid disapproval.

Why? Because trauma doesn’t care how old you are. Until you actively heal it, your body responds like it’s happening right now.

The Obligation Trap – May, 34

May's mum constantly reminds her:

“You're all I have.”

So May, now in her 30s, feels responsible for her mother’s happiness, finances, social life—everything. Even when May considers taking a step back for her own mental health, the guilt crashes in.

She imagines her mum saying:

“What kind of daughter abandons her mother?”

This isn't love. It's manipulation. It’s obligation masquerading as love, and it’s exhausting.

Why Boundary-Setting Feels So Wrong

Let’s get something straight: narcissistic parents don’t raise children to have healthy boundaries. They raise children to meet their needs.

They confuse love with obedience. They twist independence into rejection. So the moment you try to say "no," it feels like you're doing something awful.

Even small acts of self-care—not answering a call, skipping a visit, or asserting your needs—can trigger overwhelming guilt. But here’s the truth:

You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re just doing something new.

Narcissistic Parent Manipulation Tactics

These parents don’t say, “I’m manipulating you.” Instead, they use subtle but powerful tools, such as:

  1. Being nice only when you comply
  2. Offering help or money with strings attached
  3. Turning siblings against each other
  4. Creating drama when you gain independence
  5. Gossiping or lying to others when you pull away
  6. Playing the victim to turn others against you

If you’ve spent your life doubting your own instincts, these tactics work almost every time.

When Your Friends or Partner Just Don’t Get It

This is another layer of isolation. You finally work up the courage to tell someone about your toxic parent and they respond with:

  • “They seem so nice.”
  • “I’m sure they mean well.”
  • “You only get one mum or dad.”

Narcissistic parents often have two faces: one for the public and one for behind closed doors. This makes it even harder to explain what you’re going through. That’s why having a support system that actually gets it is so essential.

How to Start Breaking Free From the FOG

The good news? You can break free. And no—you don’t have to go full no-contact tomorrow (unless that’s what’s best for you).

Breaking free from FOG means making decisions based on your needs, not on fear, guilt, or obligation. Here are some gentle but powerful steps:

1. Call It What It Is

Label the emotion. Say to yourself: "This is guilt talking, not love." Naming it takes away some of its power.

2. Watch Your Thoughts

When your brain says, “I can’t skip the visit, it’s her birthday,” pause and ask: "Who taught me that? Is this true, or is this old programming?"

3. Start Small

Set tiny boundaries first. Reply to the text a few hours later. Decline a phone call. You don’t have to explain. You’re allowed to say no.

4. Expect Guilt—But Don’t Obey It

Guilt will come up. It’s automatic. But feeling guilt doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It just means you're healing from years of conditioning.

5. Talk to Someone Who Gets It

Find a therapist or support group that understands narcissistic abuse. You need people around you who say, “Me too,” not, “Are you sure it’s that bad?”

6. Reparent Yourself

This is the big one. Start giving yourself the love, compassion, and boundaries you never got. Validate your feelings. Honour your needs. You deserve that.

Final Words: You Are Allowed

Let me leave you with this reminder:

You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to protect your peace. You are allowed to choose yourself.

Even if your parent doesn’t like it.
Even if they guilt-trip you.
Even if they call you selfish.

Because guess what? You’re not selfish.
You’re healing.

And healing means becoming the adult you needed when you were growing up. Someone who says, "You matter. Your needs are valid. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to be loved."


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