When a Narcissist Turns Your Kids Against You

What happens when the narcissist doesn’t just come after you—but starts poisoning your child’s mind against you? And worse—what happens when the court system believes it’s your fault?Www.brighteroutlookcounselling.com.au 

In this raw, eye-opening episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, we’re diving into the heartbreaking experience of narcissistic parental alienation—when the narcissist manipulates your child and weaponises them to hurt you, isolate you, and destroy your bond.

Order my book Fake Love – Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse here 

This isn’t just messy co-parenting. It’s psychological warfare.  They don’t co-parent. They counter-parent.

We also unpack how this manipulation often gets misread in family court. Protective, loving parents—who are desperately trying to shield their kids from harm—are often accused of parental alienation, while the narcissist walks away with a smile and a custody agreement.

If you've ever felt like you're being erased from your child’s life by a narcissist who’s playing the long game… this episode is your validation. You’re not alone. You’re not imagining it. And no—this is not your fault.

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Transcript

When a Narcissist Turns Your Kids Against You (And the Courts Believe Them)

It’s painful. It’s enraging. And sadly, it’s happening far more often than people realize. Today, we’re diving into one of the most heartbreaking dynamics in narcissistic abuse: what happens when the narcissist in your life – your ex, your parent, your child’s grandparent – turns your own child against you. And even worse? The court system believes them.

Let’s talk about this specific kind of soul-crushing betrayal. If you’ve ever sat there, stunned, hearing your child repeat something twisted, cruel, or just totally out of character that came straight from your narcissistic ex or family member, this blog is for you. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “What the hell is happening?” – you’re not alone.

There is a special kind of heartbreak that hits when your child starts pulling away from you. This is the same child you rocked to sleep, nursed through sickness, protected from harm – sometimes literally putting yourself in danger to keep them safe. And suddenly, they’re cold. Distant. Even cruel. It feels like a switch has flipped. But behind the scenes? There’s a narcissist pulling the strings.

Co-parenting? Not with a Narcissist

Let’s get this out of the way: narcissists don’t co-parent. Co-parenting requires teamwork, mutual respect, and putting the child first. A narcissist has zero interest in any of that. What they actually do is counter-parent.

They undermine. They confuse. They compete. And they do it in subtle, manipulative ways so your child doesn’t even realize it’s happening. To them, parenting is a power game. It’s not about care or connection. It’s about control.

And if they can control how your child sees you? Even better.

The narcissist's goal is to take or destroy what you love the most – your child. That’s their ultimate win.

It's a Game to Them

Parenting, to a narcissist, is a battlefield. It’s a performance. It’s not about nurturing or guiding a young person. It’s about power, revenge, and punishment – specifically punishing you.

They work behind your back to undermine your parenting so that when your child returns from their house, there’s chaos. Your rules don’t stick. You’re no longer respected. Your child is now keeping secrets from you.

They talk to your child about adult issues, painting you as the villain in some twisted re-write of history. They’ll give your child gifts, freedom, or praise while you’re stuck being the bad guy who enforces bedtime and homework. It’s exhausting. It’s heartbreaking. And worst of all, it’s intentional.

Why Narcissists Alienate

Let’s be crystal clear: when a narcissist tries to turn your child against you, it’s not because they’re genuinely concerned about your parenting.

It’s because they want to hurt you.

They want to erase you. They want your child’s loyalty, admiration, and affection. And they will lie, manipulate, and play dirty to get it. With zero shame.

This is true parental alienation. It’s strategic. It’s premeditated. And it works because narcissists are fantastic actors. They’re charming in court, smooth in social settings, and calculated in their manipulation.

They craft a narrative that paints them as the victim and you as the bitter, angry, crazy, unfit parent. And unfortunately, that narrative often lands.

The Protective Parent Gets Blamed

Then there’s the protective parent – the one who sees what’s happening. You know your child is being manipulated, emotionally abused, or worse. You see the confusion in their eyes, the anxiety after visits.

You hear the awful phrases: “Dad says you’re crazy.”

“Mom told me not to trust you.”

“Grandma says I should live with her instead.”

So, what do you do? You step in. You set boundaries. You reduce contact. Maybe you even withhold access to keep your child safe. Not out of spite – out of desperation.

And what happens next? You get accused of parental alienation.

When the Courts Believe the Narcissist

Many of you reading this already know how this plays out. The courts often can’t tell the difference between a manipulative abuser and a protective parent.

Why? Because abuse is often measured by bruises.

If there’s no loud, physical violence, it doesn’t register. Emotional abuse? Narcissistic abuse? Manipulation? All too subtle, too complex, and often completely invisible.

Unless the judge or custody evaluator is trauma-informed, they’ll miss what’s really going on. They see a calm, composed narcissist in court and a protective parent who is understandably emotional, maybe even angry or crying – and they assume you’re the unstable one.

It’s enraging. It’s terrifying.

It's About Intent

Here’s the part we need to shout from the rooftops:

Parental alienation is about intent.

The narcissist’s intent is to destroy your relationship with your child. To punish you.

Your intent? It’s to protect your child from emotional and psychological harm.

Same surface-level action: limiting contact.

Completely different motivations: one about control, the other about care.

A Real-Life Example

Let’s say a mum notices her child coming home from Dad’s house anxious, withdrawn, bed-wetting. The child says, “Daddy says if I tell you stuff, he’ll get sad and cry.”

Mum seeks help. A therapist agrees something’s not right. She files for supervised visits.

Dad shows up in court with a clean-cut lawyer, tears in his eyes. “She’s trying to keep me from my son. Classic alienation.”

The child is scared to speak. There are no visible bruises. And the court sides with the narcissist. Mum is warned or loses time.

Meanwhile, she’s the one holding everything together.

How the Narcissist Manipulates Your Child

It starts with tiny little seeds:

• “You seem happier when you’re with me.”
• “Are you okay over there? You know you can talk to me.”
• “I’ve always worried about your mum’s temper.”

Then the rewards come in:

• Pizza nights
• Freedom from rules
• Gifts, praise, special treatment

Your child is being trained to spy on you. To keep secrets. To doubt you. To feel guilty for loving you.

And over time? They internalize the belief that you’re not safe. Not loving. Not trustworthy. It is soul-destroying.

The Emotional Toll

Let’s talk about the toll this takes on the protective parent. The part nobody talks about enough:

• The fear of sending your child into harm’s way.
• The helplessness when the system says you’re the problem.
• The pain of watching your child pull away.
• The confusion when no one believes you.

It is isolating. Maddening. Traumatic. And it is not your fault.

You’re not dramatic. You’re not crazy. You are trying to parent in a war zone while the court hands your abuser a weapon.

What Can You Do?

If you’re in this situation, here’s what you can do:

1. Document everything. Keep notes, screenshots, voice memos. You never know when something small will matter.

2. Stay calm in court. Your emotional regulation is everything. The narcissist wants you to crack.

3. Get trauma-informed support. Work with professionals who understand narcissistic abuse. (Yes, that includes me – see below.)

4. Don’t give up. Many children begin to see the truth as they grow. Your love and consistency will matter.

5. Get support. Find safe people who understand. This isn’t regular parenting stress. This is warfare.

And To You...

To every parent protecting your child while the world tells you to stand down: I see you.

You’re exhausted. You’re terrified. You feel invisible. But you are doing the bravest, most selfless job in the world.

You are not the villain.

You are not making it up.

You are not alone.

Stay steady. Stay strong. Stay loving.

You may not be able to shield your child from every lie, but your love? That’s the anchor they’ll return to.

Truth has a way of finding its way through. And when it does, your child will remember who loved them through the storm.

Need support?

I offer one-on-one Zoom counselling sessions worldwide for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Please visit my website: www.brighteroutlooknarcissisticabusecounselling.com.au

Buy my book ‘Fake Love’ for concrete strategies to heal or escape your toxic relationship: https://mybook.to/F3gm