Workplace Narcissists: Charmers in Public, Bullies in Private

They act like your best friend in the meeting... and your worst nightmare behind closed doors.

In this eye-opening episode of Fake Love & Flying Monkeys, I dive deep into the manipulative world of the workplace narcissist—those coworkers or bosses who charm the room and crush your confidence when no one’s watching.

Youtube channel  - https://youtube.com/@novagibson_?si=i2Bhws8AWZdn9mgY

You’ll learn how to spot the signs of narcissistic abuse at work, including gaslighting, sabotage, triangulation, and reputation-smearing—and how to protect yourself with strategies like grey rocking, boundary-setting, and documentation.

Whether you’ve got a narcissistic boss, a two-faced coworker, or you're still trying to recover from a toxic work environment, this episode will validate your experience, help you reclaim your sanity, and remind you: you’re not the problem.

 Narcissists are obsessed with power, praise, and control—and the workplace is their playground. But once you see their game? You stop playing. And that’s when you win.

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Transcript

The Workplace Narcissist: Charm in Public, Bully in Private

We’ve all worked with that person. You know the one: flashes a dazzling smile the moment a manager walks into the room, always ready to lend a hand (when there’s an audience), full of compliments and charisma. But behind closed doors? Totally different story.

The moment the spotlight is off, they’re rolling their eyes, throwing you under the bus, making passive-aggressive comments, and making your work life feel like a never-ending episode of Survivor. Welcome to life with a workplace narcissist.

If you’ve ever found yourself questioning your reality at work, obsessing over conversations, or thinking, "Am I overreacting?" — chances are, you're not. You might be dealing with a covert workplace narcissist, and trust me, they’re more common than you think.

What Is a Workplace Narcissist?

A workplace narcissist is someone who thrives on admiration, control, and power in the office — and they'll do whatever it takes to get it. They’re charming to your face (when it suits them), but behind the scenes, they’re manipulative, insecure, and downright cruel.

They love the public image — being liked, admired, seen as capable and competent — and they carefully curate that persona. But when they’ve picked their target (usually someone competent, empathetic, or boundary-holding), the gloves come off.

Why Narcissists Thrive at Work

Let’s break it down. Workplaces, especially hierarchical ones, are narcissist playgrounds.

1. Hierarchy and power: They love a good pecking order and will claw their way up, stepping on anyone in their way.
2. Visibility and praise: From performance reviews to awards and shoutouts, there’s always an opportunity to be admired.
3. Competition: The more chaos, the more opportunity for manipulation. Narcissists love a good power play.

And they’re smart about it. They won’t show their true colors to everyone — just to their chosen scapegoats. To everyone else, they’re the MVP. That’s what makes it so confusing.

What It Looks Like (AKA You're Not Imagining It)

• They’re nice to you one minute, cold the next. You’re constantly off-balance.
• They take credit for your work in meetings. Like, word-for-word.
• They "accidentally" forget to copy you on important emails.
• They micromanage you, then gaslight you about it.
• They undermine you privately but praise you publicly (just enough to confuse you).

You start to feel like you’re going crazy. And when you try to talk about it? Everyone’s like, "Really? They seem so nice!"

Why They Pick You

If you’re their target, it’s not because you’re weak. In fact, it’s the opposite. Narcissists usually go after people who:

• Set boundaries
• Are competent
• Are well-liked
• Don’t fall for their charm
• Aren’t easily manipulated

They feel threatened by you, even if they’d never admit it. So they try to take you down subtly, drip by drip, until you start doubting your own reality.

Classic Narc Tactics in the Workplace

Let’s get into the juicy part — the red flags.

1. Love bombing, then ghosting: First, they flatter you. Lunch invites, praise, attention. Then? Radio silence or coldness. You're always trying to get back to that "nice" version of them.
2. Taking credit: You present an idea, they repeat it louder in the meeting. And guess who gets the applause?
3. Sabotage: They leave you off important emails, give you impossible deadlines, or forget to pass on key info.
4. Gaslighting: "We never discussed that." or "You must be confused."
5. Triangulation: "Well, Sarah didn’t have a problem with it..." — pitting coworkers against each other.
6. Public praise, private punishment: Makes you look like the sensitive one when you react.
7. Playing dumb: Constantly acting clueless, conveniently "forgetting" things that make your job harder.
8. Character assassination: Subtle digs about your attitude or capability to others.
9. Victim mode: If confronted, they cry, deflect, or accuse you of bullying.
10. Smear campaigns: If you leave or speak up, they’ll badmouth you to whoever will listen.

Why No One Else Sees It

Simple. Because they’re playing a different game with everyone else.

They’re kind and charming to the boss, chatty with HR, and helpful to the new guy. But they’ve chosen you as their emotional punching bag — and no one else gets that version of them. So when you speak up, people assume you must be exaggerating.

So What Can You Do?

Alright, let’s talk about strategy — not survival, but empowered navigation. Because yes, it’s possible to keep your sanity even if you can’t quit your job just yet.

1. Document everything

Keep a log. Dates, times, incidents. Save emails. Screenshot messages. This isn’t petty — it’s your protection.

2. Stop explaining

They don’t care about how you feel. You’ll never make them understand, and trying only feeds the beast.

3. Set clear boundaries

Keep convos short, direct, and professional. Don’t overshare. Don’t take the bait.

4. Go gray rock

Be boring. Show no emotion. Don’t give them anything to work with.

5. Find your allies

You’re probably not the only one. Quietly connect with others who seem to see through them. There’s safety in numbers.

6. HR – with caution

Bring receipts, not feelings. HR protects the company, not you. Be strategic.

7. Plan your exit if needed

If it’s affecting your mental health, your sleep, your peace — it might be time to start looking. Even a lateral move or pay cut could be worth it if it saves your sanity.

After You Leave

Leaving doesn’t always mean healing is immediate. Workplace narcissistic abuse can leave serious scars:

• Self-doubt
• Social anxiety
• Fear of conflict
• Overthinking everything

Remember: you were in fight-or-flight mode for eight hours a day. That’s trauma, full stop.

If you're still recovering, take your time. Rebuild your confidence, ideally with the help of a trauma-informed counselor (like me!).

Quick Survival Tips (TL;DR)

• Keep your cool. They feed on reactions.
• Don’t confront them publicly. It backfires.
• Stick to facts, not feelings.
• Watch your back. Seriously.
• Protect your reputation.
• Find your tribe.
• Prioritize your mental health.
• Know your worth. They can’t take that from you.

Final Thoughts

If you’re stuck in the shadow of a workplace narcissist, it’s not because you’re weak — it’s because you’re strong enough to see the truth. That’s a rare skill.

They may still be playing the victim, charming the boss, throwing shade. Let them.

You don’t need to clear your name. You need to reclaim your peace.

And the more you focus on you — your healing, your growth, your power — the more their act starts to fall flat.

You win by not playing the game.

Need support?

I help people all over the world navigate narcissistic abuse in all forms, including in the workplace. If you’d like a 1:1 Zoom session, check out my website below.

👉 www.brighteroutlookcounselling.com.au

📕 Don’t forget to grab a copy of my book Fake Love for deeper insights.
☕ If you’d like to support the work I do, you can buy me a coffee at: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/novagibson